*BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER*

This flower grew amongst the weeds in our yard but I never focused on them...I only saw the flower. It soon became trampled on by the recent rain and snow...but it survived. Nate WAS/IS a survivor. He lived longer than I thought he would through all the hell he went through and surrounded him. So this flower is for you, Snake. I would lay it on your headstone but my printer doesn't work. ;) ;) ha!
(Oh and your headstone isn't there yet so I might have had a hard time finding you.)

*Nate, I honor you*

Dear Nate, On this memorial day...it is your day alone to me. I will spend this day honoring you and respecting your faithful and beautiful life. God be with you until we meet again.

Love, Kimmy

ps. All of the nature photos were taken while I was on a walk and talking to Nate at the same time. The rest of that week I've never seen so many beautiful sunsets and rainbows...now I know why. :)

*Shepherds Of Israel*

I have always loved this talk/story. Helps you understand the importance of EACH CHILD OF GOD...and his personal love for you. ALSO...our calling in this life to be a shepherd of sorts to those within our lives.

*Shepherds of Israel*

~John R. Lasater


"I am aware, more than at any other time in my life, of the great responsibility that rests on the shoulders of those who carry out assignments at this pulpit. Nevertheless, I rejoice in the blessing and opportunity that is now mine to add my personal witness regarding the divinity of this great work to which we have been called.

The personal nature of the Lord’s ministry as the Master Shepherd should be the pattern for all who shepherd the flocks of Israel. The depth of His love, His willingness to give freely of Himself, His undeviating loyalty and devotion to the cause shared so completely with His Father, and His constant attention to the needs of the one stand as hallmarks of the true shepherd’s calling.

Some years ago, it was my privilege to visit the country of Morocco as part of an official United States government delegation. As part of that visit, we were invited to travel some distance into the desert to visit some ruins. Five large black limousines moved across the beautiful Moroccan countryside at considerable speed. I was riding in the third limousine, which had lagged some distance behind the second. As we topped the brow of a hill, we noticed that the limousine in front of us had pulled off to the side of the road. As we drew nearer, I sensed that an accident had occurred and suggested to my driver that we stop. The scene before us has remained with me for these many years.

An old shepherd, in the long, flowing robes of the Savior’s day, was standing near the limousine in conversation with the driver. Nearby, I noted a small flock of sheep numbering not more than fifteen or twenty. An accident had occurred. The king’s vehicle had struck and injured one of the sheep belonging to the old shepherd. The driver of the vehicle was explaining to him the law of the land. Because the king’s vehicle had injured one of the sheep belonging to the old shepherd, he was now entitled to one hundred times its value at maturity. However, under the same law, the injured sheep must be slain and the meat divided among the people. My interpreter hastily added, “But the old shepherd will not accept the money. They never do.”

Startled, I asked him why. And he added, “Because of the love he has for each of his sheep.” It was then that I noticed the old shepherd reach down, lift the injured lamb in his arms, and place it in a large pouch on the front of his robe. He kept stroking its head, repeating the same word over and over again. When I asked the meaning of the word, I was informed, “Oh, he is calling it by name. All of his sheep have a name, for he is their shepherd, and the good shepherds know each one of their sheep by name.”

It was as my driver predicted. The money was refused, and the old shepherd with his small flock of sheep, with the injured one tucked safely in the pouch on his robe, disappeared into the beautiful deserts of Morocco.

As we continued our journey toward the ruins, my interpreter shared with me more of the traditions and practices of the shepherds of that land. Each evening at sundown, for example, the shepherds bring their small flocks of sheep to a common enclosure where they are secured against the wolves that roam the deserts of Morocco. A single shepherd then is employed to guard the gate until morning. Then the shepherds come to the enclosure one by one, enter therein, and call forth their sheep—by name. The sheep will not hearken unto the voice of a stranger but will leave the enclosure only in the care of their true shepherd, confident and secure because the shepherd knows their names and they know his voice.

The words of the Master Shepherd rang loudly in my ears:

“But he that entereth in by the door is the shepherd of the sheep.

“To him the porter openeth; and the sheep hear his voice: and he calleth his own sheep by name, and leadeth them out.

“And when he putteth forth his own sheep, he goeth before them, and the sheep follow him: for they know his voice.

“And a stranger will they not follow, but will flee from him: for they know not the voice of strangers” (John 10:2–5).

My dear brothers and sisters, there are great lessons to be learned from these stirring words of the Master Shepherd. Into our hands, as members of this great Church, has been given responsibility to be the true shepherds unto the flocks of Israel. Do we understand the personal nature of the shepherd’s call? Whether we go as home teachers or visiting teachers, whether we serve as auxiliary leaders or teachers, or priesthood leaders at whatever level, we have received a divine injunction from God, through a living prophet, to become personal shepherds and ministers. No, it is not a new call; it has always been so.

Do we know our sheep, each one, by name? Do they know our voice, or must they hearken unto the voices of strangers? Do they know us as true shepherds who love them, who willingly and freely give time and attention to their needs, and, in that marvelous process, instill the confidence and security so greatly needed in God’s children today? Are we then able to lead them into full activity in the Church and onward to immortality and eternal life? Do we go before them, constantly reassuring and building confidence because they know our voice?

Or are we strangers unto many? I promise you that you will not be a stranger, that you cannot be if you come to know the voice of the Master Shepherd, for that voice will confirm what a prophet has declared, and the Spirit will direct your efforts. And then, and only then, you will become a true shepherd in Israel.

There can be no greater example of the very personal nature of a true shepherd’s call than the events of that Easter weekend nearly two thousand years ago—the depth of the Master Shepherd’s love, His willingness to give freely of Himself, His undeviating loyalty and devotion to the cause, and His constant attention to the needs of the one. Those same qualities must mark our ministries as the shepherds of Israel.

I testify, with all the fervency of my soul, regarding the need we have to be true shepherds and to come to know the personal nature of the true shepherd’s call. As one of His shepherds, I bear witness of the sacred responsibility that has been placed on our shoulders to be true shepherds unto the flocks of Israel and to know the personal nature of that calling. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

*ANOTHER APPLE*

Do you see these little munchkins below? The apple of their Aunt Kim's eyes? Well...heh heh...one more apple is on it's way!!! :D In a little over 5 months Jen is having a baby! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy! I am so excited for her, the family, and well...ME. They are not sure if it's a girl or boy yet but my guess is a boy. No matter what I can't wait to meet that precious little spirit. Love you Jen and Joe! Congratulations!

Ps. If you're reading this and you know Jen, don't congratulate her on her facebook wall...not sure if she wants me to announce it to the whole facebook world. ;)(I'm pretty sure that about 10 people read this blog...so not many will hear the news from me. :)

*GOOD REACTORS!*

One of the things I love most about my family (and my best friends family who I consider my own) is that we are GOOD REACTORS! In other words, we get excited about the simple things in life and the really awesome things in life. Finding out that my nephew got to come home a week early for Christmas, listening to a friend announce where they are going on their misson, finding out that a sibling is having a baby, watching your nephew open up his Christmas present you gave him and see his eyes get big with delight, your friend telling you that she kissed the boy that she's wanted to kiss forever...and then a year later finding out that she's engaged, getting the orange wellie boots you've wanted in the mail (I put them on and jumped up and down!) when you never ordered them but your sister did to cheer you up, finding out the new sequel to The Hunger games is almost here, or that U2, your favorite band of all time has decided to come to UTAH! I can't tell you how happy my family was for me! My sister was so happy for me when I called her on the phone that she said she had butteflies in her stomache for me. How awesome is THAT? And the list goes on...

We are just genuinely happy for each other. This sometimes includes jumping up and down, clapping, giving high fives and hugs, big smiles and lot's of happy words! Just anything to show how excited we are for their moment...what ever it may be. I have a super hard time with people who are not. It's not always their fault! It's not their fault that when you give them a gift and they make no expression at all and say, "Thanks" or when they hear some of the things I said above they simply say, "Oh that's kool" and that's it. And I whisper under my breath, "Tragically born without a personality." I'm sorry if you think that's rude...but come on! Can you not even make a facial expression of some sorts? A bigger smile then normal? Perhaps it comes easier to us for some reason, but it can also be learned!!! I've seen the non expressive become expressive and it was very fun to witness the change. I think the best example is little children. They are so full of life and happiness and find joy at every corner! Think of them at birthday's and Christmas! When they want to show you the picture they drew! I gave my nephew some stickers last time he was in town and you've never seen such joy in a childs face. STICKERS!? Yep...children are the best example. And it's not just when you get THINGS...it's when life gives you a blessing of sorts, an accomplishment happens, an opportunity is given, etc.

So for all you good reactors...I applaud you! (pun intended ;) And especially my family. Lifes so much funner with you in it! I feel happy when I get to share something...because I know they will be happy too. (Most the time!) ;)

And for those of you who struggle with it, or you are saying "That's just not my personality" Well...if you're fine with that, then kool. But give it a shot sometime...maybe you'll find that it suits you. ;)

This is a video I saw today on Ellen. I kept smiling and wanted to clap for them! They all got gifts from Ellen and they were so excited! And it just reminded me of all that I just said. It makes me happy to watch it...and it's also quite fun to be the one rejoicing for others as well!


Ps. We are not near as loud or obnoxious as this crowd...well I don't think we are and I'm pretty sure anyone who has witnessed these moments don't think we are either. (who cares about anyone who does! Go away! hahaha)

*Frogs flying*

I was looking for a photo today and going through my hundreds of other photoz when I saw this one of Kaul & Bleu. I could just hear in my mind a conversation between them that would sound something like this,


Bleu has the cutest little imagination and can be very dramatic. While Kaul is mostly aloof to him and sometimes a stinker. I love that Bleu always calls his brother KAULY instead of Kaul. More endearing! :) And as you can tell...it was written in what I like to call "Bleu's accent." :) His little voice just melts your heart. Actually I adore everything that BOTH of them say and do. They are so pure in heart. I love them so much! And they always make me laugh.

Ps. This was never a real conversation between them but, they do have two water frogs named Ribbit and Spike! hahahha

*A letter of Love from Jen*

My sister Jen, wrote me this the day after Nate's funeral. She had flown out to be with me as I attended his funeral. This was a big deal because she had to make many sacrifices to get here. I'll never forget as long as I live, walking up to the pulpit with all the courage I had and looking out into the audience to see my best friends all looking at me with support and love. Christine, Valerie, Pammy, Mom, and Jen. An overwhelming feeling came over me that even the most beautiful language could never express. I looked straight into Jen's eyes and the love I felt for her and from her was as pure as heaven itself. I could hear her saying, "I'm here." And suddenly I knew I could I do it. I could say boldy the things that needed to be said and offer up my whole heart in honoring my friend. And then to get this message from her that she posted on facebook was another gift that has stayed with me...not just the words, but the way it made me feel.

"I have always known what an amazing friend you were. I've watched you lift and strengthen those around you my whole life. You are the one who taught me and lived by the quote " A true friend loves you, watches over you and helps you return to God with honor." But over the last few months I've had the chance to talk with and see so many of your dear friends who are so grateful for the love, compassion, support and strength you've offered them. It has been overwhelming for me to see how many lives you've touched and hearts you've helped heal. Hearing you speak at Nates funeral and feeling of the love he had for you was so beautiful and made me so proud to have you as my sister. I would have sent you this as a private note but I feel like I speak for all of us... friends, family and Nate when I say thank you from the bottom of our hearts for the love and kindness you've shown us and the faith and understanding you've always had for all of us. If we could heal you with our love you would have been healed long ago. I love you with all my heart and pray with all that I have that this burden will be lifted from you. Thank you for letting me spend this weekend with you and for being so happy to see me. ;)"

Could I ask for anything more in this world? NO! And to even THINK of asking for anything even at this very moment seems so selfish. I have family and friends who love me. And as much love as I have tried to send out over my life...has come back to me ten fold.

Thank you sister, for walking with me...down the long and winding road.

*BONO TURNS 50*

All I can say to this, is thanks Bono for all the happy and inspiring moments you've brought into my life and millions of others. U2 is by far the most influential band of my life! Can't wait to see you in June and hope we have many more years of your music, soul, wisdom, and PASSION on this earth! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

"We don't become a monster in order to defeat a monster."

*ME*

It was a good week for music and me. We've taken a break quite often over the last year or so. I think I get to a point where all I want is total silence. Sometimes music is too much noise. And then there's times like now when I've needed it. Heaven has been speaking loud and clear to me through music.

My cousin posted a song this week on her facebook page. I had forgotten about it but had never forgotten how much I loved it. One of those songs that was on repeat as I drove on one of my MANY drives up Provo Canyon when I needed to think and try and place my thoughts. I love when you find literature/music/poetry that say's everything you can't. I've learned to open my mouth WIDE in speaking boldly but for a long time I had sooo much I couldn't get out. Volumes of thoughts & feelings AND LOVE that was being stifled simply because I didn't have a place to put them other then my journals...which is why I have almost 30. :) I remember once writing when I was younger, "I wish people loved me as much as I love them." And I really felt that way...I had so much love in me and I didn't know what to do with it. And then one day I get asked to be a speaker for the church educational system. Um WOW...how do you go from being bottled up to...um...for lack of a more beautiful way of expressing it, spewing all those thoughts and feelings through a microphone? You step up the pulpit and open your mouth with faith in the Lord.

CES was only the beginning for me. It led to many opportunies where I was able to both speak/teach on many subjects in many places. Seven years of speaking in front of large crowds and small classrooms was never forseen by me. I had no idea that THOSE were the avenues that the Lord would ask me to walk through. Like I said, I learned to speak boldly and say things that people are afraid to say, things that I was afraid to say. But when the Lord took me in hand, words came out of my mouth that even I was shocked at and they came out in a way that was almost overwhelming to me. At the end of speaking I would see all these people looking at me, no heads were down and I knew more than ever in my life, my own nothingness and that God could do anything. What I would say did NOT come from me, I was simply the instrument. Most people can attest that I stumble a bit over my words in person. Me telling a story ends up in much laughter because I usually can't get it out right. But when The Lord needed something to be said, it came out with power and emotion. I always wanted to disappear after. I did NOT want credit, attention, or even the emotions both good and bad that came from people. But It was a great season of my life and it really gave me that opportunity to share the feelings of my soul...to share all that love that I so much wanted to give away. I learned about myself, God, life, people, and about my purpose at that time.

So what does this have to do with a song? This song was kind of how I felt before I was able to find my voice. You can be your own worst enemy and sometimes I was. I was way harder on myself then anyone else was. I was full of fear and it kept me from doing things I wanted to. I was kind of stuck inside myself. This song is so perfect in how simple but vulnerable the words are and how she sings them. She starts out singing softly and then it turns into powerful emotion. And thats how it was for me. I truly had to find my voice in this life and at a young age. Then I had to learn how to hone that voice and the emotion that came with it. It's a big leap and takes courage when you learn to stop holding your tongue and be more open. But something remarkable happens with your personal confidence when you do and miracles happen. They happened for me.

The song is called *ME* by Paula Cole. I love this version. Lyrics below.
Ps. The last minute of the song she gets a little quirky and adds words to the song I've never heard...at that point I hit stop. ;)Somewhere around 5:20.



I am not the person who is singing
I am the silent one inside
I am not the one who laughs at people's jokes
I just pacify their egos
I am not my house, my car, my songs
They are only just stops along my way
I am like the winter
I'm a dark cold female
With a golden ring of wisdom in my cave

And it's me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence

I am carrying my voice
I am carrying my heart
I am carrying my rhythm
I am carrying my prayers
But you can't kill my spirit
It's soaring and it's strong
Like a mountain
I'll go on and on
But when my wings are folded
The brightly colored moth
Blends into the dirt into the ground

And it's me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence

And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too shy
To ask for the thing I love
And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too shy
To ask for the thing I love
I love!
I love!
I love!
I love!
I love!
I LOVE!


I am walking on the bridge
I am over the water
And I'm scared as hell
But I know there's something better
Yes I know there's something better
Yes I know, I know, yes I know

And It's me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence

I love!
I love!
I love!
I love!
I love!
I LOVE!

*HAPPY MOTHERS DAY MOM!*

Mom, Thanks for your love and example of true compassion over the years. You are a light to hundreds of people...including me. It really is true, all our family needs is YOU! You have always been the heart of our home. I LOVE YOU!

*CHRISTINE'S STINK FACE*

Umm...is this such a classic photo?! I'm bound and determined to make it into a greeting card someday. I LOVE that my best friend still makes this face. hahahah Love you stine. 20 years of being my best friend...I couldn't have been more blessed, you are everything and more of what I wished for in a best friend when I was a teenager. ;) God was good to me when he sent me you.

*Nate's funeral talk-Audio*

I debated over whether or not I wanted to post this, but I had an overwhelming feeling to share it. So if you want to hear me crying alot, stumbling over my words, and sharing my thoughts on my dear friend...you may. :)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJ8u43q9KC4

*My talk at Nate's funeral*

I had no idea that our talks at Nate's funeral were being taped. But as I've listened to them, I'm glad I have it. This is my talk. It was given with much emotion both laughter and tears. And I hope the spirit in which I gave the talk was conveyed to those who listened and maybe those who read this.
NATE'S FUNERAL

Brothers and sisters, I am honored to be here today to honor my friend, my beloved Nate. I want to start out by giving you a quick rundown about how I know Nate. I came into the Ridgemont 18th Ward in 2002. I was called for a short amount of time to teach 24 to 30 year-olds, even though I was in that category at the time. Nate is three years younger than I am and I walked into the classroom and Nate had his feet on another chair with his arms folded. I thought I had just walked into the CTR B's class. :) He stared at me and I began to teach. Some of the time he put his hand over his mouth like he was going to start laughing. I thought, "You little brat!" I wanted to kick him out so badly! But I did other things. I assigned him to say the prayer almost every time, I called on him to read scriptures and slowly but surely we became very good friends. :)

Nate went to Mexico with me and my family and we had some hilarious moments with him. They were falsely accused of riding some scooters. Well, they were riding some scooters and one of them got scratched (so they told my family) and it was just like this big mess! Nate kind of got feisty with them and the next thing we knew, a 300-pound man was chasing Nate down the street. Nate was just in his flip-flops, shorts, and no shirt. I saw him running and running and running! His flip-flops are flying off and long story short, Nate survived! And we were grateful for that!

Nate used to tease me just like he teased everyone else. One of things he always said to me was, "Kim, you like me!" I was like, "Whatever, Nate!" He said, "You think I'm sooo cute!" I was like, "YOU are so into yourself! I cannot believe you!" But he said it ALL the time. "You think I'm soooooooo cute!" (laughing) and then as we spent time over those two years, Nate and I were wonderful friends. And then I moved away. A few years later--let me back up shortly. I've had terrible depression since I was 21 years old. I'm 36 now. It is a terrible illness. Brothers and sisters, maybe people don't believe it, but it is as serious as cancer or ANY OTHER illness--and darker. And Nate knew that about me. And like I said, a few years later he contacted me. And without me even being able to say, "Hey Nate, how are you?" He said, "Kim, I had no idea what you were going through. Had I known, I would have been a better friend. But I know now. I know Kim what you suffer because I suffer, too. And I want you to know that you're an angel. And I'm so sorry!"

Thus began a beautiful friendship between us that was far deeper than it was about six years before. Over the last three years, both of us have suffered deeply to the point where sometimes--most of the time--we are unable to leave our homes. We felt trapped. And even though I never walked in Nate's shoes and he never walked in mine--and we went through different things--but we wore the same brand. We spent the last three years with many phone calls talking about life, talking about all of his dreams and hopes. He was ridiculously intelligent. He had plans to save and do amazing things in this world. We laughed, and when Natalie passed away, we wept together. I said, "Oh, Nate! If I could take this from you I would!" And he often said those words to me. Now, I want to tell you a couple of experiences quickly about this week as Nate passed away. Nate has definitely still been here and has been near me. And Clixe (#2) put on Facebook the little memorial thing. And there was a picture of Nate. And Nate and I hadn't seen each other in over a year. It was all phone calls and emails because of how sick we both were. And here is this picture of Nate with this long hair and I took a double-take. And I'm going to be honest, my heart skipped a beat. And I looked at that picture, and as clear as day I heard the words, "You think I'm sooo cute! You love that long hair, don't you?" And I sat there and I said, "NATE, I am mourning over you! Do you mind?!" And then in my mind's eye, I saw tears rolling down his face. He just wanted me to smile for a minute.

Nate, in front of this whole congregation, I always thought you were cute! But now I think you're beautiful! You were NOT a failure--EVER! You suffered things that most people will never suffer in this life. And I will NEVER EVER judge you! And I pray with all my heart that no one in this congregation will judge him, either. He is wrapped in the arms of His Savior and not only that, he is a warring angel and he will fight this epidemic of suicide, depression, and all that comes with it. He will fight for the little ones, he will fight for the young adults, and he will fight for the elderly. He will never ever leave his family, his beloved family.

One last thing...well two, I'm trying to make it quick. Umm...I actually think that Nate stole my scriptures because I can't find my Bible, so if you guys see them ("Kim Curtis"), they are out there somewhere and I'm pretty sure he did that. He's like that. Oh, well. Thanks, sis! (My sister walked up to the pulpit and handed them to me :)

On the program it says these words, "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain, Nate...(crying)...for the former things are passed away."

BUT there is a verse on there that was not on the program. And it is the most important to me. "And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things NEW. Write for these words are TRUE and FAITHFUL." (Revelations 21:4-5)

Nate, everything is going to be made new for you. You go bounce on those clouds and you run around and you have a beautiful future! And we will remember you with all of our hearts. And last, I promise last, this is my song for Nate. And I'm not going to sing it because everyone would run screaming from the building. I cannot sing AT ALL.

fare thee well
my own true love
farewell for awhile
i'm going away
but i'll be back
though i go 10,000 miles

10,000 miles
my own true love
10,000 miles or more
the rocks may melt
and the seas may burn
if i do not return

oh don't you see
that lonesome dove
sitting on an ivy tree
she's weeping for
her own love
as i shall weep for mine
oh come ye back
my sweet friend
and stay a while with me

if I had a friend
all on this earth
you were that friend to me!"

(10,000 miles by Mary Chapin Carpenter)

I bear my testimony that Jesus is the Christ, that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God and that those beautiful promises of being together forever are very much real. Nate, I love you, I miss you, I know you're here...I think you're beautiful.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.


I stole this flower from the church yard to take to the cemetery. Nate would have been proud. ;)

Side note for my benefit: At the end of my talk, Nate's father got up to speak and the first words he said were, "Kim, you were Nate's angel on this earth and I'm sure that he will be your angel throughout eternity." I will always cherish those words. Thanks Pete. :)

Side Note 2: The story of the Mexico is totally messed up. The real story will have to remain with those who were there or heard it with Nate's own mouth. I barely gave a drop of it...and I messed up. Sorry!

*Dallas & Alex's wedding*

On Saturday, May 1, 2010...my first nephew Dallas Curtis, was married in the Logan Temple to Alex Johnson. It was a strange feeling for me to witness this grown man as he was once a little boy who sat on my lap. I couldn't have been more proud and It was a beautiful as you will see. I was not their photographer. I stayed out of her way (She was SO nice and darling! Can't wait to see her photoz!) But I had to take a few of my own. The family kind of expects it as they know mine are a bit different...kind of artsy...kind of "KIM-ISH." ;)