The year 2006 started my journey on this blog of mine. A time of great struggle, I took my trials in front of an audience. AND, I did it purposely. I had things that needed to be said and needed to be heard. There were people out there who needed a bold soul to say things that they wouldn't dare say for fear of what others might think of them. Now, as I enter 2012, I look back on this and see the deep waters I was asked to cross and my own table of bitter cups I had to partake of to become more acquainted with Christ. I had no idea in 2006 that my struggles would get worse than they had been before. I am astonished that I am still alive. I don't say that lightly.
The story of The Lord Of The Rings best fits my own life but especially recent years. God gave me my own ring and let me know that I was the only one who could carry it and destroy it. But like Frodo, I had a companion. A beloved sister who would carry me when I could no longer walk, remind me of beauty and goodness when I could no longer see, helped me cast out Gollum and even gave her last bits of food to me. A selfless and brave woman, my sister, Pammy. My Sam. I can't say that I didn't have so many others that helped me through my journey. Each one coming at just the right time to hand me their lanterns to help me see in the dark. I cherish them and see them as "The Fellowship"...and last but not least, the Holy One of Israel, Jesus Christ. He is my Gandalf. Many times He has had to step back and allow me to suffer without intervening. Even when I begged him to! And yet, I knew His eyes never left me. He was there but I could not feel Him. I am sad to say that I cursed him many times but almost immediately was on my knees letting him know I was sorry and that I loved and needed Him. His compassion has been shown to me many times with those "tender mercies" and they sustained me and caused me to press forward.
The last two years have been the hardest. Just like Frodo after tossing in the ring, he became lifeless, thinking that even though he completed what he was asked to do, it was the end for him. I too felt that way. It started with the loss of my home. The only thing I had that I felt I had to call my own. It was my haven. Then the suicide of a beloved friend...then a dear cousin losing his life to an overdose of heroine...then a surgery that could have ended my own life and was accompanied by a lack of anything that would help the pain...then my first ray of sunlight through someone that came bounding into my life and then decided to delete me from his life as if I never existed and at no fault of my own. This by far was greater than losing someone to death and brought me to a state of paralysis. For a solid year my only ability was to keep myself breathing and waiting for the eagles to pick me up, just as Frodo and Sam did. The beginning of 2012, only 2 1/2 months ago...the eagles came. Now, I am feeling the first rays of light and although they sting my eyes and burn my frail body, it is strengthing me and taking me homeward...where that destination is, I'm not sure yet, but I know it will be a place of safety, healing and happiness. I know I will have the same experience as Joseph Smith when he was released from Liberty Jail and told beforehand, "Thy friends do stand by thee and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands." (D&C 121:9)
I am very proud of the woman I have become through these trials. I believe the coming year is "the year of the rising sun" in my life and my ships are arriving slowly but surely, the sounding horn is soon to blown into the fresh air and God will deliver me from this particular journey. It will take time and small steps but I believe that truly the upcoming chapter of my life will be the beginning of beautiful things, things that I have felt robbed of...and that God will keep and deliver His promises. "Behold, I make ALL THINGS NEW." So I hold my cup of HOPE high to the heavens and open my heart to a new chapter of life. May it be so!
Thanks to all my friends and those who have followed this blog. I have been so blessed by you and thank you for the kind words you have shared with me over the years.
Goodbye My Warm Asylum...the sunshine awaits me. ;)
Ps. In time I hope to start a new blog, but for the time being, I have returned to my journals and am happy about it.
