*THE IMPOSTER*

There is no need for me to express or explain my love for animals. Everyone knows that I'm "The cat lady" and most people know my level of sensitivity when it comes to them. I'm a true supporter of "PETA" (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) I can't bare the thought of any animal suffering.

With that much said, I would like to share a brief story about an alley cat/stray that came around my house a few months ago. I started noticing him on my porch at night. When I would come out, he would run away and then look back at me. He was always dirty and roughed up a little. I felt sorry for the little guy. I decided to leave a little food & water for him outside everynight. Pretty soon he started to let me pet him....and then my heart, of course, loved him more. I even gave him a name, Azure. :) From that moment on he was always at my door, same time everynight.

A few months went by and I decided one night that I should try and clean him up a little. I took some kitty wipes and wiped him off as best as I could. At this moment, I saw two little girls across the street staring at me. One little girl said to the other "Is that a wolf?"...I said out loud, "No he's a cat"...the girls said something to eachother and continued to stare. The next thing I know, they are walking across the street towards me. As they drew closer this was our conversation,

ME: This is a stray cat I found." (still assuming they thought I was petting a fox)

Little girl: Actually that's my cat. I got him for my 8th birthday.

Me: *Blank stare with a raised eyebrow* This is YOUR CAT?

(Then all the sudden Azure made a run for it and darted into the night)

Me: I thought he was a stray and I have been feeding him for a few months.

Little Girl: It's okay, he's an outdoor cat and my parents won't care.

Me: Does he have a name?

Little Girl: Yeah, it's Bob.

Me: BOB!!??? His name is Bob?!

Little girl: (she nods her head)

Me: Where do u live?

Little girl: Across the street

Me: Does he let you hold him?

Little girl: Yeah, except for just now. (She laughs)

Me: Well thanks for letting me know.

Little girl: sure!

End of conversation.

The little girls skipped off and I was left with only my thoughts. That little stinker! He totally deceived me! He came along all dirty, with a innocent meow, and sad eyes. Sweet little Azure is "BOB" and here he was getting double meals everyday! (I know he's treated well because the family loves animals and they are really nice people.) I can just hear "BOB" after I shut the door everynight from feeding him, "Sucker! heh heh"

"BOB" is now on a DIET. I will still be nice to him, but his bowl, from now on, will not be overflowing with milk & honey! I will allow him to be treated like a handful of the guys I've dated...kicked to the curb for being IMPOSTERS. :)

btw, this picture is the very night he was "Caught in the act." His face say's it all. ha!

End of story. :)

*TWILIGHT OBSESSION*

To say that I am obsessed about Stephanie Meyer's "Twilight" Series is the understatement of the year. I mean, I am over the TOP! I have lost my mind in the land of fiction. The last two months have been so horrific with my health and other experiences, that re-reading these books has been a God send! I've re-read them 3 times in the last two months. Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse. I can hardly wait for the last book *Breaking Dawn* to come out. It will appear in book stores in approximately 45 DAYS! That seems soooo long to me. And I'll be honest in saying that I fear how it's going to end. I felt the same way about the last Harry Potter. But J.K. Rowling pulled it off...and I even found myself crying at how she brilliantly ended it! hahha I loved it.

To add to my torment, MTV bought the rights to Twilight the movie and it is actually finished and will be in theaters December 12, 2008. This going to be the longest 6 months of my life. When I first saw the cast that they chose, I was so disappointed. They were not at all what I had pictured. But! They have grown on me. Especially Bella & Edward. (Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson) I don't think I can see anyone else who could fit those characters so well. Robert Pattinson has *The STARE* down perfectly! And when he stands next to his silver Volvo in the movie, every girl in America is going to think that Jake Ryan and his red Porche was so overrated. He is the NEW Jake Ryan! (although I will always love Jake Ryan.)

So now I will add the trailer link to this page and also my favorite 'fan made' trailer. Sigh...it's gonna be a long 6 months! I know, I'm pathetic....but I don't care! ha!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=xBvOhfL4mYw

http://youtube.com/watch?v=nFspBQkx-uQ

*DANDELIONS*

When I was little, I use to love to go across the street from my house in the neighbors rasberrie fields, sit indian style and watch the Dandeilons. They were never a weed to me, they were just beautiful. The wind would flow through them and then they would fly along with the wind. Or even better was to pick one and blow on it...and watch them fly. I love that memory. Yesterday I took a photo of them and made it into more of a painting look. I think it turned out really pretty.

*SHOPPING OH BLESSED SHOPPING!*

So over the last month, I found out that someone got a hold of my debit card and have been robbing me right under my nose. I hadn't been getting my bank statements although my bank said they had been sending them. Long story short, I just thought I wasn't balancing my funds right because I kept coming up with a couple hundred dollars short. WELL...we found out that over the last 60 days almost 2 grand had been stolen my my tiny bank account! Theives! Why didn't they get Paris Hiltons credit card!? It's not like her and "Tinkerbelle" need another outfit.

So after working with my bank and filling out fraud papers at the police station, I was still left with very little fundage. But thankfully my mom helped me out AND a camera I had sent back (mine is broken) returned the money at just the right time!

So feeling under the weather about this whole deal and a few other things, I decided to do a little online shopping today with my "fundage." (I'll be damned if someone else uses my money!) Which definitely brought a ray of sunshine like it does for most girls. I'm going to share my two favorite things I got. My 60's smimsuit and some kool addias kicks. :)

*Bleu, Henley, and Kaul*

Jen sent me some new photo's of the kids. They are getting so big so fast! Henley is going to be one this summer! I can't believe how stinking cute they are...especially knowing their personalities. Henley's eye's in her picture are amazing! It's like they are liquid blue. They are all adorable and I always miss them. :(

*WE ARE THE HOLLOW MEN*

*THE HOLLOW MEN*

~T.S. Elliot

"We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats' feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,
Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom
Remember us-if at all-not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men

II
Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
In death's dream kingdom
These do not appear:
There, the eyes are

Sunlight on a broken column
There, is a tree swinging
And voices are
In the wind's singing
More distant and more solemn
Than a fading star.

Let me be no nearer
In death's dream kingdom
Let me also wear
Such deliberate disguises
Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed staves
In a field
Behaving as the wind behaves
No nearer-

Not that final meeting
In the twilight kingdom

III
This is the dead land
This is cactus land
Here the stone images
Are raised, here they receive
The supplication of a dead man's hand
Under the twinkle of a fading star.
Is it like this
In death's other kingdom
Walking alone

At the hour when we are
Trembling with tenderness
Lips that would kiss
Form prayers to broken stone.

IV
The eyes are not here
There are no eyes here
In this valley of dying stars
In this hollow valley
This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

In this last of meeting places
We grope together and avoid speech
Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unless
The eyes reappear
As the perpetual star
Multifoliate rose
Of death's twilight kingdom
The hope only
Of empty men

V
Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o'clock in the morning.

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the shadow
Life is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom

For Thine is
Life is
For thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper."

(A big thank you to my friend, Dustin, for sharing this with me. I don't think I've found anything that describes the darkness to this degree that some inner souls face in this life.)

Photo by Kim Curtis 2003 or 2004

*KAUL'S BUTTERFLY*

Today my little sister, Jen, sent me an email and this is what it said,

"Yesterday this cute thing happened to Kaul and Bleu. I was in the kitchen and Kaul came running in and said "Mom come out here you've got to see this!!" So I came out and there was this butterfly just hanging out on our lawn. At first I thought he might be hurt, but he wasn't. He climbed up on Kauls shoulder and let him hold him. It was so sweet, it was such a special experience. Kaul said " He must have come to see Kim, but he got lost so he came to say Hi." It was so cute !! It was also cool because that day in preschool they had been learning about butterflies.

Love you, Jen"

This is really special to me because my nephews & nieces know how special Butterflies are to me and that they represent something special in my life. :)

*Jen took this photo in Las Vegas. April 8, 2008

*CONSIDER THE LILIES OF THE FIELD*

I have such a deep & special understanding of why the Lord put animals on the earth. I always wish that people who do not have a love for them...might someday have their eye's opened, as I have, to know who they really are and their divine purpose on the earth. I thank Heavenly Father for them...especially the ones I've been given.

Each of my kitty's have played a different role to me. Their spirits and little personalitys are so different. I've had, Lily, 7 years now. She is the sweetest & tender hearted of them. When I'm having a rough day and usually crying, no matter where she is in the house she will be next to me in seconds. She usually curls up next to my face and lays her head on my shoulder or just rests her head on me and looks at me. She then takes her paws and usually trys to rub her paw up and down my face. I'm not kidding about this. I've never seen or known an animal to do such a thing. Just like a friend who would wipe away tears...she literally trys. Sometimes her claws come out and she suddenly becomes "Lily Scissorhands" but she try's so hard not to and usually succeeds. It's amazing to me. And truthfully, she becomes a healing balm to my wearied mind and soul. I am usually able to calm down and I realize that she is truly heaven sent just for me.

Whenever I think or hear the scripture in Matthew 6:28 "Consider the Lilies of the field..." I think of her. Also, for some reason, when I hear the song "Strawberry Fields" by the Beatles...I also think of her. So that is her little name, Lily Stawberry Fields. :) I needed her today...and she as always was there.

I'm adding a link to an acoustic version I found of "Stawberry Fields Forever" just for fun. :)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=5WTzjsgw_gI

*OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!*

Okay, I'm the first to admit that I like magazines like "People" & "Us"...and of course the style edition of People. (Gotta keep up with some current looks!) My sisters, mom and I, love this crap. One of our greatest joys is to sit around together and read these. We all have flaws right? So, why do we like it? Well for more than one reason, but sometimes one of the funnest things is to see how retarded movie stars really are. Today I found two of the most classic photos ever. And they will show you exactly what I mean. First one is of Gweneth Paltrows horrific GOLD shoez and then Mary Kate Olsens Star Wars/Transformers/Gold & Black bullet proof coat! It is the winner of the year!

Are these guys smoking crack?! Okay we know Mary Kate is...she checks into the Cirque Lodge in Utah on a yearly basis...heaven help her. But come on, Gweneth! You have more class than this. Sometimes I get so embarassed for them! You know the guy standing next to Mary Kate is thinking, "That jacket is the most hideous thing I have EVER seen, but I'll never tell you because you are paying me a pretty penny to be your body guard!" Anyways...they are a good laugh and in my opinion, worth blogging about! Check, Check, Check it out!!! hahahha

*MY WEEKEND MIRACLE*

Okay, so this weekend I went with my sister Jen to San Francisco. I was supposed to fly to Las Vegas, meet Jen, and then we would fly on to San Fran. But it didn't work out that way. I missed my stinking flight! I was frustrated of course and was about ready to bag the trip but Jen was mellow about it and said she would just find me another flight. I also had the words in my mind, "All things happen for a reason." An hour and a half later I was on a straight flight to San Fran and met up with Jen. In this process my luggage was wandering around and they ended up putting it on a later flight that night. We would have to return and pick it up. So Jen, me, and baby Henley set out towards downtown San Fran. We found a place that we had wanted to eat and then just drove around looking at how beautiful and unique San Francisco is. A couple hours had gone by when we debated on whether or not to go check in to our hotel or go grab my baggage. We chose to head back to the airport. As we pulled up to passenger pick up, I jumped out while Jen was going to try and linger as long as possible. I knew where to locate my bag and on finding it, I headed back to the car. The lamedog airport security had Jen moving forward and I started kind of chasing her down. I called her on my cell and she pulled over. I threw my bag in the back and hopped in. NOW…this is where the miracle starts to open up. It was dark outside and I just happened to turn my head to the right and look out the window as we were proceeding out of the airport. I see a guy standing there with his hands in his pockets, singing quietly to himself and obviously waiting for his ride. I say out loud, "Oh my gosh…that looks like Mark Kozelek!" I scrunched my eyes to get a better look and I'm thinking that HAS to be him! Jen says, "You mean the guy with all the guitars?" ha! I hadn't even noticed them! By his feet he had three guitars. At this point I tell Jen to pull the car over and I jumped out of that car and ran in his direction.

PAUSE. Who is Mark Kozelek? And why do I care if he is standing on the curb at the San Fran airport? Mark is the lead singer of a band I loved over ten years ago, Red House Painters. I discovered that band in a unique way and they became an instant favorite. Probably the most melancholy music on the market…Marks voice is both soothing and sorrowful, backed up by acoustic guitars and melodies. I have always been drawn to that kind of music. Some see it as very depressing, and well, to some, it can be. But for me, It has always been very comforting. You can tell when someone has walked through the drenching rains and heart wrenching experiences of mortality. Those who suffer from depression. He is one of those people. You can hear it in their music. They sometimes are able to say what you cannot about how you feel. Their words are a breath of fresh air, and you don't feel so alone in the world. You feel what they have endured and you instantly feel a kinship with those souls. Mark went on to do solo work and also a new band called, Sun Kil Moon. The years have passed and the love I have for the music only increased. I honestly don't think there is a month that has gone by that I have not played one of his songs or cds at one point or another. It just speaks to me. I have admired him and always wished I could see him play live. He is known for being a private person and is not often touring around. His shows are like rare gems and the people who get to see them, in my opinion, are very blessed.

OKAY…back to story.So I get to where he is standing and I say, "Can I ask what your name is?" He say's "Mark"….I smile. I then say, "I know you!"….he shyly smiles and say's…"How do you know me?" And then I proceed to tell him, in my own way, what an amazing person he is, the impact he has had on my life and how grateful I am for who he is. I believe my bold (but not overbearing) words took him by surprise. I'm not one for mincing words and I feel that in this life, there is no reason to not praise and honor those who deserve it. (I also didn't do it in a nerdy fan way! Like, I have all of your songs MEMORIZED and my dogs name is MARK! haha) I think he felt my sincerity and normalcy. :) The beautiful thing about this is that none of this was a coincidence. I don't believe in them. There are billions of people in this world! What are the chances? NONE! But there is a Heavenly Father who knew of a girl's gratitude for another soul on the earth, his influence upon her, and what it would mean to her to have a chance to say thank you in person. I felt the spirit of the Lord as I spoke to him. I treated him as though I had known him my whole life. Some of the things I said even surprised myself. I later thought on this conversation and realized how the Lord directed it. Mark was gracious and asked about where I was from, why I had come to San Fran, if I was Mormon. (We had a great little chat about that) After about 15 minutes of talking to him, I told him that it was a blessing to meet him. He replied, "It is these kinds of experiences that are a blessing to me, so thank you." He asked for my email and told me that if he ever made it out to do a show in Utah, that I would be the first to know. His ride arrived and after telling him that I HAD to be a nerdy fan and get a photo, he complied and then we both gave each other a hug and a kiss on the cheek just like we were old friends saying goodbye. (With an eternal perspective, perhaps this wasn't the first time) And then I watched him drive away and my sister pull up. Jen and I reflected on this throughout our trip (pammy too as I called her on the phone immediately) and how remarkable this was. How individual the love is that God has for each one of his children and how he knows their hearts. Several times, tears filled my eyes as I realized the reality and truth of the words "For I am a God of miracles." And truly, at that moment, He gave me hope in miracles again.

*PAYING A HEAVY PRICE FOR OTHERS*

Today a friend of mine went through a really rough morning. I mean really rough! When he shared what he had been through, my heart ached for him and wished there was something I could do to relieve his pain. Prayer was my only option. And I did pray...with all my heart and told him so. It wasn't more than an hour later when he wrote me and said, "I am feeling so much better! You have faith to move mountains." The words were kind of ringing in my ears and I thought about that. I do have that faith...but it has come at such a heavy price. The kind of price that not a single soul would ever be able to understand or comprehend. Only God himself will know my story. Thankfully He does know. He knows the price I've paid in behalf of others and the price I continually pay for those I love. Sometimes I wish people did know my journey through this life so far...not for any other reason but understanding. It's so easy to look at me and paint a picture of who you might think that I am. Or perhaps even a judgement call on my circumstances. But I've come to realize that THAT understanding will never be. Our journeys are not always televised on Oprah or before a congregation. But the king of all kings and the master of the universe stands on high and knows all of our stories. It will be only his tongue that can speak of the love, the sacrifices, the pain, the sorrow, the darkness, and our walk through the woods of life. I hope I get the oppertunity to hear the stories of so many people. And I hope someday I appreciate the price I personally was asked to pay for the faith that I have. Oh how heavy it has been. As for now, I put one foot in front of the other and hope that my small offerings, with the small strength that I have, will help another...like it did today.

(I took this photo in October 2007 in Alpine Utah)

*A LIGHT FROM THE SHADOWS SHALL SPRING*

“All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renewed shall be blade that was broken, the crownless again shall be king.”

J.R.R. Tolkien

*BROTHER IN LAW OF THE YEAR!*

All I wanted for my birthday was a video of my brother in law dancing. You have no idea (unless you know him well) how funny his dancing is along with his awesome personality. Well...low and behold my birthday came yesterday and "The gift that keeps on given' " was given to me! Have a look and try not to pee your pants! Joe, your a star!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=qqjSJS8pTDs

*THE CAT BURGLAR*

This is too funny! Click on the photo to read. I am too lazy today to write it out. Basically this kitty steals/brings home stuffed animals for the familys new baby in the house. hahaha I love it.

*BE STILL MY SOUL*

The Lord is my only companion right now, and He stays beside me through the night and I hear this hymn as though He is speaking to me.

"Be Still, My Soul"

by Catharina von Schlegel, 1697-? Translated by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897

1. Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side; Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain; Leave to thy God to order and provide; In every change He faithful will remain.Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake To guide the future as He has the past. Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake; All now mysterious shall be bright at last. Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart And all is darkened in the vale of tears; Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart, Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears. Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repayFrom His own fulness all He takes away.

4. Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on When we shall be forever with the Lord, When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone, Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored. Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past, All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

*TINSEL STRUT*

Girls. *Bless our hearts* we are interesting characters. I can admit this! We come into the world being drawn to anything that shines. Shine is defined as anything that reflects light, glistens, glows. A source of radiance.

For me growing up, it was the way the stars sparkled as we slept on our trampoline at night. The way that the sunlight reflected off the water, and all the colored rocks in our ditch. But best of all...It was the smile of the boy who lived on Bella Vista road! I remember when I was little, that I even believed that the moon followed me! That somehow...It was there for just me, to watch over me and to SHINE for me. And that made me happy.

Well things have changed. When they say that "Diamonds are a girls best friend” I think there’s truth to that. But I think it goes far deeper then the worldly idea of it. A Diamond, if held in the sun, will reflect beautiful colors. It is seen as a precious gem. And to most of the world it represents something meaningful, something good, and something LASTING. It is a girl’s best friend...because in most of our hearts we want those meaningful things. We are still drawn to anything that shines!

The irony is how quickly society corrupts the young mind and those beautiful ideas of what shine are. There is now this desire that can become all consuming. This idea that you MUST measure up to the world’s absurd standards. You must LOOK a certain way, you must ACT a certain way, YOU must be a certain way. And how MANY fall victim to such a charade! I like to call it a TINSEL STRUT. Or shall we say, A TINSEL STRUT EPIDEMIC!

TINSEL; Something sparkling or showy but basically valueless. To give a FALTY SHINE!

STRUT; To walk with pompous bearing, self-important gait; A swagger

This idea makes me laugh so hard. If you picture that, you may see what I see. Some girl strutting down a side walk, in her pink stiletto heals, a gob of makeup, her nose in the air...highter than a kite, and NOTHING left for the mind to imagine. It is a FALTY SHINE. And yet it has become the blatant goal of most girls. It entangles them with its whispers of trickery! It is a thief of true beauty and of pure hearts. You can STILL be beautiful without having to delve into the world the Tinsel Strut. Infact the most beautiful girls I know, are the ones that have a shine that comes from a life filled with love, compassion, and kindness. Not a life filled with vanity, snobbery, and selfishness.

One way to thwart such untrue and corruptive thought...is to go back to the basics. Remember those growing up years, and what was important at the end of the day. The simple things to remember what shine really is. It is anything that is "honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and lovely." Shine is LIGHT...and light is what makes a woman BEAUTIFUL.

"Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies."

~Proverbs 31:10

“Everything that Glitters isn’t Gold” Something we ALL need to remember.

*CRAY THE BIRD KILLER/FLUFFY R.I.P.*

I have never understood Gods plan for animals. The part I don't understand is the whole "preying upon" thing, that they feast upon eachother, that it's their "natural instinct." I can't picture God gathering all his little creations of animals and birds and then saying to them, "Now McCray, your gonna go down and your gonna eat fluffy for breakfast. Make sure you pull out your cat like reflex's because her flying skills are impeccable!" And then FLUFFY giving the Lord the thumbs up!? Hello!!??? Why would God allow that? It disgusts me.

This last summer I saw this beautiful bird outside my window. I think it was a baby Robin because of some of the red feathers. It had the cutest little chirp. I grabbed my camera and took a photo. Good thing too, because it was murdered by my own cat less than an hour later. (The poor little thing didn't have any idea that my fence was death row.) I had left my door slightly cracked so that the kittys could play outside. A little while later I come walking into my living room and there in front of me is a floor covered in feathers and the dead Robin. It was FOUL! (no pun intended :) I felt sick inside. And then there was Cray. Standing beside it with a blank stare and a feather hanging out of his mouth. I guess the feather in the mouth was like a trophy to show he had fulfilled Gods mission. Looks like he did. Sick & wrong. 'R.I.P.' fluffy!

My little sister just sent me this picture and it completely depicts my cat Cray and the crime scene I had beheld with my own eyes.

*A GLASS DOOR OR A GLASS SLIPPER*

This last week I saw an old love through a glass door. I saw him talking to some people, a bright smile on his face and so full of light. Feelings and memories flooded over me when I saw him.

When I met him I felt I had found the love of my life. My twin, my soul mate. The boy with the "glass slipper" Those words finally made sense to me and I believed that because of the life I had chosen to live, this gentle hearted man had finally found me. All the things I had been promised by my Heavenly Father were about to be fulfilled. But in a blink of an eye it was nothing but "The sweet dream of a pure minded girl." He walked away and I was left with a sorrow that I thought I would never recover from.

The years have passed by and thoughts of him always remained strong. I always knew his heart, and I felt his struggles throughout the years. A downhill decent where he had forgotten who he was. I found out through a friend these things were true. I began a journey of praying, fasting, putting his name in the temple, and many many sacrifices in his behalf. I wondered along the way if these things would ever amount to anything. I wondered if I would ever see him again. And then, all these years later, there he was. At that moment the Lord opened my eye's. I felt a sense of gratitude to the Lord because I KNEW that my sacrifices had made a difference. That all the oceans of tears for that friend had worked. I also felt proud of him. He had overcome overwhelming trials and come out victorious. He had a sense of peace that radiated and his shiney eye's could be seen even through the glass door.

I never knew in the beginning that the glass door would be far more valuable and sacred in the end, than the glass slipper. The glass slipper would have been beautiful, but in heaven I must have sacrificed that beautiful crystal for this special moment, for this special soul. In my prayers that night, I knelt down and with all the courage I could muster...I said "It is enough." And it is.


"The worth of a soul is great in the sight of God"

*VALENTINES DAY SUCKS*

Valentines....it's approaching too quickly. I had to go to the store the other day and the whole dang place was filled with all this fruffy pink crap! Hearts & Cupids were everywhere. I came to get grocherys! Not walk down Loverz LANES! Then the speaker comes on...with the lady who has to make the cheezy announcements of the specials of the day. (Why is her voice always super high? Is that required while applying for the job?) "Customers, todays special is our freshly baked Valentines cookies! A dozen, deliciously baked, for $1.99" Wow. The only people whizzing over to that counter to buy those are those who are stacking up on V-Day/Single awareness Day junkfood so they can sit at home and gain ten pounds while munching on stale cookies while watching Pride & Prejudice.

I have never liked Valentines Day. Okay...maybe there have been a few years that I liked it. Last year counts as one. Which sadly makes this year even worse! I don't even want to think about it. I know a nice friend/sibling will probably leave a little treat or flower on my door. Sadly, I know I'll pick up the flower and think "That was so nice!" and then I'll burn it to the ground. I admit that I'm bitter, I'm hurt, and possibly hostile. If you spell the word LOVE backwards...it says EVOL. Does that word sound familiar? It does to me. It sounds like the word EVIL. And that's what Valentines is.

Amen.

(Oh...the picture is my little monkey friend describing my feelings 'with a heart' about
Valentines.)

Mood: Totally Optimistic

Music: Love songs by Chicago (Bahhahah jk)

*DARKNESS VISIBLE* By William Styron

If ever there was a book that I was meant to read, it is this one. In less than a hundred pages, I found one man on the earth who truly understood me. I have no memory of purchasing this book, but as I searched through my own little library, I found it. I wept through the entire book. I think the whole book is underlined and starred. I kept saying "That's me! That's how I feel!" This man said everything about Depression that I have been unable to say. His ability to express the inexpressible is obviously heaven sent. I felt for a small moment not so alone in the world. I wish I could send it to every person I've ever known. Those who have supported me and TRIED to understand and those who haven't given a damn and encouraged me to "snap out of it." I have had this disease since High School, actually I believe longer. But I have NEVER been able to tell anyone what was truly happening inside me. The title of the book says it all..."Darkness VISIBLE" People can SEE what I see and feel on a daily basis. They get to step in my shoes and see out of my eyes.

I have encouraged all of my family members to purchase the book (none of them have...except my best friend Christine...thanx stine!) But honestly what matters is that I felt validated when I read this in every aspect of this horrible illness. I don't know this man, but I love him. I'm grateful for what he endured. Not because I would wish this on ANYONE...but because it allowed him to understand and express what this prison is like. I am so grateful to have found this book!