"And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things." (1 Nephi 11:17)
The beautiful words of Nephi of old....they seem to bring a comfort to my soul in so many respects. I have found myself relying on those words in my young life...over and over. "I do not know the meaning of all things". I have longed to understand the sorrows and stumbling blocks that have been placed along my journeys path. I have spent countless hours pondering their meanings and how I might overcome. Wondering if perhaps they were my own fault. Did I not have enough faith? Was I not trying hard enough? Had I failed him in some way? I would do anything for my Heavenly Father. And anything to be released of the burden of an illness that is so misunderstood ...and judged so harshly in this life. It is lonely...so very very lonely.
"I know that he loveth his children" One of the greatest blessings I have ever been given, was to learn at a young age...that heavenly father knew me, and that he loved me. I have often had to remind myself of that....but deep in my heart I knew he did. That when everyone else failed me....he would not. That when I walked alone....he walked beside me. His arm around my shoulders to bare me up. But we don't see this with our natural eyes. The trials of this life often rob us of this knowledge...and cause us to feel we walk alone. We truly have to call upon a strength that is deep inside us to remind us that he has never left us, and he never will.
When I was 21 I went through a very painful experience. I went to a great teacher of mine, a man I truly trusted for advice and comfort. I found myself in his office weeping before him. I asked him "Why??? Why did this happen to me?" He listened patiently, his eyes never wavering from me. He was silent for a short time. I thought perhaps he didn't know how to answer me. But then some of the most profound words were spoken to me. He said, "Kim, there is a price to pay to be able to say, "I understand"...and YOU have paid the price. I had no idea how much those words would affect my future and how often I would need to remember them. There are no greater comforting words...then the words "I understand". Each time I have said them to a weary traveler...there is an instant sigh of relief. Each time someone has said them to ME, there is an instant sigh of relief. Our gratitude for that person is beyond words. We feel, that even for a moment, we may rest.
I get so tired of the fight. Trying to explain my circumstances. Trying to prove to others that I am not lazy, that I am not making up these things...these anxieties, and the depression that wrenches both my body and mind. That everyday I fight like a lion to just LIVE.
Wouldn't it be remarkable if we saw each persons life on the big screen? I think we would never see them the same again. No judgment would ever come from our lips and I think our hearts would love them in a way that each person so deserves to be loved.
The Savior has been my greatest example of one who must have felt the weariness of his own journey. knowing that so many would misunderstand him, and that he would have to feel all the feelings of sorrow, loneliness, misunderstanding, being misjudged and the great betrayl of those he loved and trusted most. Along with all the other mighty blessings of the atonement, He suffered it all...to be able to say, "I understand" .
I think I finally understand the real reasons WHY I need to suffer and feel alone. Truly, I do not know the meaning of all things, nevertheless...I know that God loves his children. He loves even ME.