Tuesday, September 29, 2009


Wayne and I have started a new tradition of looking and taking pictures of the fall leaves up Provo canyon, grabbing a sandwich and sucker at sundance and just chillin'. Great time with a great friend! And can I say how beautiful the canyon is right now? IT IS!
Ps. Pammy always calls the leaves "fruity pebbles" and so that's where that comes from. :)

Saturday, September 26, 2009


I think that perhaps if I gave small glimpses into what happens to the mind and body of those who deal with depression/anxiety and the side effects that come from medications that in SOME cases are necessary....that it will bring a sense of ease to my mind to know that I am educating people (even if it's just a few)of this battle I and so many others face.

Because I have been dealing with Akathisia this the last couple of weeks, I thought it appropriate to share what it is. By reading these tiny blogs about depression, not only do you help me and others, you help yourself to be less ignorant, educated, and empathetic towards an illness that is so misunderstood.

"Akathisia, or acathisia, is a syndrome characterized by unpleasant sensations of "inner" restlessness that manifests itself with an inability to sit still or remain motionless (hence the word's origin in ancient Greek α (a), [without, not] + κάθισις (káthisis), [sitting]). Its most common cause is as a side effect of medications.
Akathisia may range in intensity from a mild sense of disquiet or anxiety (which may be easily overlooked) to a total inability to sit still, accompanied by overwhelming anxiety, malaise, and severe dysphoria (manifesting as an almost indescribable sense of terror and doom). The condition is difficult for the patient to describe and is often misdiagnosed.
[1] High-functioning patients have described the feeling as a sense of inner tension and torment or chemical torture. [2] While the administration of many antipsychotic medications can interrupt the basic levels of Maslow's hierarchy of needs and potentially lead to serious implications associated with long-term arrested development, akathisia is known to be a much stronger contributor, on its own, to the former comparatively to the latter. There is still an open discussion on the impacts of akathisia on persons with addictive behaviors, persons with substance abuse tendencies, persons with behavioral attributes that could lead to actions which may be considered as self-harming, moderate akathisia and the associated increase in internal drivers and when this side-effect may actually be a beneficial form of treatment when induced."

I'm on the MILD side of this...and even the mild side can be hell itself. Thanks for taking a minute to read this. There is a much more detailed explanation of the actual medications and illness's that can cause this...but honestly this is pretty much the jest of the actual feeling of it.



One song can bring such a powerful crushing memory to the mind in a split second. It doesn't help when the song is on repeat in your mind and you can't make it go away. A certain lyric made me wonder if a sacrifice in behalf of another is worth the pain and the price. Is carrying someone through those DEEP black waters to eternal shores, in hopes to rescue them worth it? I've always had a deep desire to love, help, and in a sense be an instrument in the Lords hand to help heal and inspire those who feel so lost. Those who feel they are drowning. I realize how it has made my life rich and beautiful and yet it has brought a pain that is unspeakable. I guess the question I'm asking myself is if what I did at a paticular moment in my life was worth it. Tonight...I don't think it was. Maybe in the next life I will.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Most people only want God in their lives as long as he "stays out of their hair"...but there WILL come a time in every man and womans life where they will long for Him to be the shepherd of their souls and the leader of their lives. They will come to realize they are nothing and He is everything. That all the time they were away, they had given up on their best friend, but he had never given up on them...and their hearts will break and rejoice simultaneously.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


I love them. A guy I dated almost ruined them for me (Girls, you know how they do that?) Well...I didn't let it happen. I think they are great!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Random photoz I've taken since I moved.


I had a great time visiting Jen, Joe, and the Kidz a couple weeks ago in Cali. Swimming, jumping on the trampoline, Trader Joes, the beach, Rose's, the beach lake w/ Chili Cheese fries, Jen's famous snow cones, Shoppin', hugs & kisses, laughing at everything that comes out of Kaul, Bleu, and Henley's mouth, getting my "Wig busted", Joe's school stories, being with my sister, watching Nacho Libre, and sharing secrets. :) Could life have been any sweeter? No! :)


Take note: Cray Pei's triple chin...he's such a cute fatty! ha!


Okay, so I just can't get myself to blog anymore. I'm kind of over it. ha! I've taken to my journals again where I get to write my secrets and stories maybe to be read to a future generation...or not. :) Here's a quick rundown before I take a continued break from THE BLOG.

~ I moved and it's been good...mostly. I now live under many trees and not a dustbin. I have no more allergies and my cats are as happy as can be. We all sleep in the same room and they barely disrupt my sleep. :) I leave my window open at night to listen to the crickets and the sound of the leaves blowing. Too bad fall is here...it was too cold to do that last night.

~ I went to visit Jen and Joe in Loma Linda, CA. I had such a great time with them and the kids. I even got my "Wig Busted" while I was there. Bah hahhaha I have lot's of cute pictures of my trip...maybe I'll post a few of them...or maybe not.

~ Lewis got really sick and almost died. He has some kidney problems. Right now he is doing much better and I am hoping it stays that way. I love that little guy...even when he's grumpy. :)

~ My health has improved since moving. NOT TONS...but a little. And heaven knows how much I appreciate that. Fingers crossed for it to continue.

~ I got an iphone and I'm in love with it. Way better than a boyfriend. :) I sit with it all night and am starry eyed. It's magical. ha!

~ Pam and I threw a Chinese party last weekend. It was awesome! So fun to reunite with some of my greatest friends ever. And can I just say how totally awesome Pam and I are party throwing? We rock! :)

~ After over ten years of not drinking soda, I now drink a coke a day. I gave it up years ago because I always felt like crap and I noticed what a big difference it was to just stick to water and juices. Well...those days are over. I still don't crave it...but it has helped with the nausia that comes with my migraines and also on the days when I am severly fatigued. I feel like such a rebel...it's awesome! ha!

Yip...that's about it. There are a handful of other things but I think that suffices for the time being. :)

Peace out.

Ps. I think I'll do a "This month in photoz" before I continue my break from the blogging world.

Sunday, September 13, 2009