Tuesday, February 26, 2008


Girls. *Bless our hearts* we are interesting characters. I can admit this! We come into the world being drawn to anything that shines. Shine is defined as anything that reflects light, glistens, glows. A source of radiance.

For me growing up, it was the way the stars sparkled as we slept on our trampoline at night. The way that the sunlight reflected off the water, and all the colored rocks in our ditch. But best of all...It was the smile of the boy who lived on Bella Vista road! I remember when I was little, that I even believed that the moon followed me! That somehow...It was there for just me, to watch over me and to SHINE for me. And that made me happy.

Well things have changed. When they say that "Diamonds are a girls best friend” I think there’s truth to that. But I think it goes far deeper then the worldly idea of it. A Diamond, if held in the sun, will reflect beautiful colors. It is seen as a precious gem. And to most of the world it represents something meaningful, something good, and something LASTING. It is a girl’s best friend...because in most of our hearts we want those meaningful things. We are still drawn to anything that shines!

The irony is how quickly society corrupts the young mind and those beautiful ideas of what shine are. There is now this desire that can become all consuming. This idea that you MUST measure up to the world’s absurd standards. You must LOOK a certain way, you must ACT a certain way, YOU must be a certain way. And how MANY fall victim to such a charade! I like to call it a TINSEL STRUT. Or shall we say, A TINSEL STRUT EPIDEMIC!
TINSEL; Something sparkling or showy but basically valueless. To give a FALTY SHINE!
STRUT; To walk with pompous bearing, self-important gait; A swagger
This idea makes me laugh so hard. If you picture that, you may see what I see. Some girl strutting down a side walk, in her pink stiletto heals, a gob of makeup, her nose in the air...highter than a kite, and NOTHING left for the mind to imagine. It is a FALTY SHINE. And yet it has become the blatant goal of most girls. It entangles them with its whispers of trickery! It is a thief of true beauty and of pure hearts. You can STILL be beautiful without having to delve into the world the Tinsel Strut. Infact the most beautiful girls I know, are the ones that have a shine that comes from a life filled with love, compassion, and kindness. Not a life filled with vanity, snobbery, and selfishness.

One way to thwart such untrue and corruptive thought...is to go back to the basics. Remember those growing up years, and what was important at the end of the day. The simple things to remember what shine really is. It is anything that is "honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and lovely." Shine is LIGHT...and light is what makes a woman BEAUTIFUL.
"Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies."
~Proverbs 31:10
“Everything that Glitters isn’t Gold” Something we ALL need to remember.

Saturday, February 16, 2008


I have never understood Gods plan for animals. The part I don't understand is the whole "preying upon" thing, that they feast upon eachother, that it's their "natural instinct." I can't picture God gathering all his little creations of animals and birds and then saying to them, "Now McCray, your gonna go down and your gonna eat fluffy for breakfast. Make sure you pull out your cat like reflex's because her flying skills are impeccable!" And then FLUFFY giving the Lord the thumbs up!? Hello!!??? Why would God allow that? It disgusts me.

This last summer I saw this beautiful bird outside my window. I think it was a baby Robin because of some of the red feathers. It had the cutest little chirp. I grabbed my camera and took a photo. Good thing too, because it was murdered by my own cat less than an hour later. (The poor little thing didn't have any idea that my fence was death row.) I had left my door slightly cracked so that the kittys could play outside. A little while later I come walking into my living room and there in front of me is a floor covered in feathers and the dead Robin. It was FOUL! (no pun intended :) I felt sick inside. And then there was Cray. Standing beside it with a blank stare and a feather hanging out of his mouth. I guess the feather in the mouth was like a trophy to show he had fulfilled Gods mission. Looks like he did. Sick & wrong. 'R.I.P.' fluffy!

My little sister just sent me this picture and it completely depicts my cat Cray and the crime scene I had beheld with my own eyes.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008


This last week I saw an old love through a glass door. I saw him talking to some people, a bright smile on his face and so full of light. Feelings and memories flooded over me when I saw him.
When I met him I felt I had found the love of my life. My twin, my soul mate. The boy with the "glass slipper" Those words finally made sense to me and I believed that because of the life I had chosen to live, this gentle hearted man had finally found me. All the things I had been promised by my Heavenly Father were about to be fulfilled. But in a blink of an eye it was nothing but "The sweet dream of a pure minded girl." He walked away and I was left with a sorrow that I thought I would never recover from.

The years have passed by and thoughts of him always remained strong. I always knew his heart, and I felt his struggles throughout the years. A downhill decent where he had forgotten who he was. I found out through a friend these things were true. I began a journey of praying, fasting, putting his name in the temple, and many many sacrifices in his behalf. I wondered along the way if these things would ever amount to anything. I wondered if I would ever see him again. And then, all these years later, there he was. At that moment the Lord opened my eye's. I felt a sense of gratitude to the Lord because I KNEW that my sacrifices had made a difference. That all the oceans of tears for that friend had worked. I also felt proud of him. He had overcome overwhelming trials and come out victorious. He had a sense of peace that radiated and his shiney eye's could be seen even through the glass door.

I never knew in the beginning that the glass door would be far more valuable and sacred in the end, than the glass slipper. The glass slipper would have been beautiful, but in heaven I must have sacrificed that beautiful crystal for this special moment, for this special soul. In my prayers that night, I knelt down and with all the courage I could muster...I said "It is enough." And it is.

"The worth of a soul is great in the sight of God"

Wednesday, February 06, 2008


Valentines....it's approaching too quickly. I had to go to the store the other day and the whole dang place was filled with all this fruffy pink crap! Hearts & Cupids were everywhere. I came to get grocherys! Not walk down Loverz LANES! Then the speaker comes on...with the lady who has to make the cheezy announcements of the specials of the day. (Why is her voice always super high? Is that required while applying for the job?) "Customers, todays special is our freshly baked Valentines cookies! A dozen, deliciously baked, for $1.99" Wow. The only people whizzing over to that counter to buy those are those who are stacking up on V-Day/Single awareness Day junkfood so they can sit at home and gain ten pounds while munching on stale cookies while watching Pride & Prejudice.

I have never liked Valentines Day. Okay...maybe there have been a few years that I liked it. Last year counts as one. Which sadly makes this year even worse! I don't even want to think about it. I know a nice friend/sibling will probably leave a little treat or flower on my door. Sadly, I know I'll pick up the flower and think "That was so nice!" and then I'll burn it to the ground. I admit that I'm bitter, I'm hurt, and possibly hostile. If you spell the word LOVE backwards...it says EVOL. Does that word sound familiar? It does to me. It sounds like the word EVIL. And that's what Valentines is.


(Oh...the picture is my little monkey friend describing my feelings 'with a heart' about

Mood: Totally Optimistic
Music: Love songs by Chicago (Bahhahah jk)

Saturday, February 02, 2008

*DARKNESS VISIBLE* By William Styron

If ever there was a book that I was meant to read, it is this one. In less than a hundred pages, I found one man on the earth who truly understood me. I have no memory of purchasing this book, but as I searched through my own little library, I found it. I wept through the entire book. I think the whole book is underlined and starred. I kept saying "That's me! That's how I feel!" This man said everything about Depression that I have been unable to say. His ability to express the inexpressible is obviously heaven sent. I felt for a small moment not so alone in the world. I wish I could send it to every person I've ever known. Those who have supported me and TRIED to understand and those who haven't given a damn and encouraged me to "snap out of it." I have had this disease since High School, actually I believe longer. But I have NEVER been able to tell anyone what was truly happening inside me. The title of the book says it all..."Darkness VISIBLE" People can SEE what I see and feel on a daily basis. They get to step in my shoes and see out of my eyes.

I have encouraged all of my family members to purchase the book (none of them have...except my best friend Christine...thanx stine!) But honestly what matters is that I felt validated when I read this in every aspect of this horrible illness. I don't know this man, but I love him. I'm grateful for what he endured. Not because I would wish this on ANYONE...but because it allowed him to understand and express what this prison is like. I am so grateful to have found this book!

Friday, February 01, 2008


So after a small stint in the hospital this week (nothing serious...just some twisted intestines ;) my mom came over to check on me today. She brought in a box of "food" and said, "You probably won't eat any of this but here ya go!" I looked at the box of STUFF and said, "mom...I won't eat ANY of this"....she then said "Ah, just throw it in your food storage!" and then she left. I stared at the box and the more I looked at it the more I laughed. Infact I got the giggles so bad that I thought it was worthy of posting a photo of its contents. You have to know my mom to know that this is exactly what you would find at her house. Mostly stuff that the grand kids snack on and what she and her husband eat beside salads! I will now share with you the box contents;

1- Top Raman Noodles. Where would we be in the world without 'em!? I think the last time I ate Top Raman was the year after High School when I lived at Branbury in Provo. Knowing that the nutritional value of these little baby'z is ZERO and that the msg in them gives me headaches. I also noticed not long ago that at the grocery store they were being sold for 14 cents a bag! That's seriously disturbing.

2- Several boxes of Macaroni & Cheese. These rate about one step up for Raman noodles. Simply because they do not have msg in them. My nieces & nephews love 'em. So if worse comes to worse at least the kids will be fed!

3- Ruffles chips. The only thing those are good for is to use in one of my sisters famous dips. Which she probably won't be making during a time like that.

4-One Kudos chocolate bar. I guess if you need a sugar fix while sitting in a tent or some form of shelter during a fire/flood or whatever, then there ya go!

5- Fruit snacks. I admit I like these and actually ate them on the spot...but they have red food coloring in them which ALSO gives me headaches. But I popped them in my mouth and figured I'd rather get a headache now then during an emergency.

6- A half package of gum? I have no response to that.

And there ya have it! Kim'z food storage!

Ironically, about an hour later I was reading a blog of one of my friends. She had been talking about food storage and her 72 hour kit!? (Is this some kind of warning to me?) She showed some very professional photographs of her neatly put together kit. I swear, she had EVERYTHING for any kind of crisis. I actually think she had a lifetime supply of all things needed. I felt a tinge of embarrassment at not really having a 72 hour kit except a first aid kit. I quickly went through my drawers and found exactly what 'I' would need. So listen up...because you may need these things too.

1- Tropical Fresh INSECT REPELLENT! I don't want to be eaten alive "out there" wherever that may be.

2 - Proactive repairing lotion. If I forget water or soap...my skin is in deep trouble. I refuse to look like 12 year old just hitting puberty.

3- Crazy glue. Now this has multi purposes. Our family has a lot of caps on our teeth. Good teeth don't run in the family. So once in a while a cap will fall off and this stuff works like a charm. Also...cuts. No need for band aids when you have crazy glue. Infact just two weeks ago I got a paper cut and a drop of the glue fixed it in jiffy.

4- Dove soap (self explanatory)

5- Pepto (self explanatory)

6- A night guard. I sometimes clench my teeth at night. I found this at the store. It doesn't fit in my mouth. But if worse comes to worse and I find myself clenching during the 72 hours, I'll shove it in!

7- Self tanner. I'm an albino....I carry these whenever I travel. Keeps me from looking like the walking dead.

8- Kitty Anti-Itch spray. Of course wherever I go...the kittyz go too! This is like their very own personal bug repellent.

9- Lash tint, bobby pins, nail polish, hair color. Obviously self explanatory!!!
10- Airborne! (Created by a second grade teacher!) I swear by this stuff! I'm convinced by using it I won't get a cold in 72 hours or more.

11- Rolaids + Dramamine! First off, If I get stuck in the car with Pammy’z kids who have SERIOUS gas problems (Can you say Dry heave?) I will freak out! Also...I get easily car sick. The whole Equilibrium dealio. I don't puke, I just feel trippy.

12- Tampon. I sure hope 'Aunt Flow' doesn't come to town during that time because ONE isn't gone cut it.

13- Fruit & Veggie Tabs. Who needs food when you have these? Just pop one in and your done for the day.

14- Floss. My brother in law who is a dentist would kill me if I didn't include this in my kit. I may not have a toothbrush or toothpaste, but the floss is way important. As one wise dentist put it... "You don't have to floss all your teeth, just the ones you want to keep" I apparently didn't floss as a child, hence, the caps on my teeth.

15- My small silver mirror given to me by a friend. I can use this to see if there is any Top Raman in my teeth or put on lipstick which I don't wear. I guess I could just sit and make my famous "mirror face" and if someone was depressed about our situation they could have a laugh or mock me.

16- THE PILL. So....my doctor gave me these to help me with depression/hormone problems. (They ended up making me sick and not helping a bit!) And heaven forbid I use them for 'NORMAL' purposes. Having a bad case of 'Virginitis' there really is no point in tossing them in my bag of goodies. I figure maybe they could serve some kind of purpose to someone!?...ya just never know!
17- A candle. I think my lighter fluid is almost gone...but it should last a day or two.
18- THE MOST IMPORTANT...A lifetime supply of tissue. We CAN'T run out of that! BEEN THERE DONE THAT! *wink*

There's a few other odds & ends but the ones I mentioned are probably the most important. Feel free to copy THIS list and get your 72 hour kit ready!
That is all I have to say.

(In all reality...I think with my lack of preparedness, I'm in deep sh*t :)