Tuesday, December 26, 2006


Sometimes I feel this emptiness, this hole in the heart kind of feeling. It has nothing to do with rain or storm, a broken heart, loneliness, unfulfilled wishes or dreams, or just a bad day. It's just deeper than those things....something that took me awhile to put my finger on. But then in a moment of clarity, I knew. I was homesick. That moment of clarity came when I was lying on my back, in my comfortable bed, with my cloud colored sheets, in my warm house, staring up at my favorite glow in the dark moon. I WAS home. But not really. I was missing another home... my real home. My heavenly home. Actually I think this understanding has come at several different times in my life, and I knew what it was, but I had forgotten.

I'm grateful, that as a Latter day saint, I have a knowledge of a pre-earth life. An understanding that I lived with Heavenly parents and the Savior, and I walked in their sight. I was taught under their watchful eyes, and loved by them in a way that can't truly be understood in this life. It was a place of great peace. A place I loved more than anything, and oh how I miss it.

I like these lyrics, "I should just kick my heels together and go home, but I'm not sure where that is anymore." I think a lot of people feel that way. Not because they are moving around from place to place, or they are away from the home they grew up in...or perhaps nothing has ever felt like home to them. But like me, they feel something deeper. They are homesick for their REAL home. (they just don't know it)

Today is just one of those days for me. I miss it. I would love to "kick my heels together and go home".

Just for a visit. :)

Thursday, December 14, 2006


The day before Thanksgiving, my mother went to pick up several dozen rolls that she had pre-ordered. She had a handfull to carry out to her car and was assited by one of the workers, a young lady. My mom soon realized that she would need to move around some bags she had in the trunk. It took her a minute and she glanced over and told the girl that she could just set them down. My mom soon noticed a far away look in this girls eyes. My mother stopped what she was doing and held her arms out. Without hesitation, this sweet girl walked into my mothers arms and my mom embraced her. The girl quietly cried in her arms. My mom said to her, "You must be so worn down". The girl nodded and explained that she was indeed overwhelmed and tired. After hugging her for several minutes, this girl said "Thank you" and began to walk back into her work. But she soon turned around and said to my mother, "I will never forget you".
I loved hearing of this experience. I loved my mother for being intune with the spirit and offering the love and compassion of the Savior. This happens to be my mothers gift. She doesn't just have four kids, she has hundreds.

The simplicity of a hug. The depths of a hug. I know forsure that we all need them. I also know that it's not always easy to give them. Perhaps we have fear...or maybe we are just to busy thinking of other things.

My friend, Val, sent me this video yesterday. I was touched to say the least. *Big Tears* (not shocking ;) What a good man. What a pure heart. What courage. I wouldn't doubt that he touched many lives. And I would bet that he lifted a burden, brightened a day, and maybe even changed a life. "The door of history turns on small hinges".
Enjoy watching this.

(This photo is of my best friend Dave giving his father a hug :)

Monday, December 11, 2006


You know those times when you happen to reach inside your pant pocket...or a jacket pocket...and you find a dollar bill? And your like "Saaweeeeet!!". And if it happens to be a bit bigger bill your even more happy.Well...today I heard my cat playing with something on the floor. He always plays with something. Usually one of his toys, fake mouse, or something else. I don't usually notice. But today I noticed the sound was a little different. I looked down to see he was swapping around a folded hundred dollar bill! I grabbed it from under his paw and thought...Ahhh yeah! Today is my lucky day! Who randomly finds a hundred dollar bill?!! But of course my concience always gets the best of me and I wonder where it came from and if someone was missing it. And with that moment of integrity and honesty...I tossed it in my own purse! hahahha
Awhile later I heard my mom walk in. I was in the other room. I sat and thought....grrr....okay fine! "Hey mom...uh...are you missing any money?" ....she replys, "Actually I am"....pause....."Uh how much are you missing?".....reply, "100 dollars"..........(dang!).... " Well...I found it" She was glad. Apparently it had fallen out of her pocket. (Why in the world she was carrying a 100 bucks in her pocket is beyond me!)
So I took it out of my purse and gave it to her. Apparently it wasn't my lucky day. *blank stare*
The moral of the story is this, If you find a dollar in your pocket or a hundred dollars under your cats paw....ask no questions and RUN WITH IT!!!
Bahahhaha Just kidding. ;)
During this MAGICAL holiday season *rolling my eyes* I wish you all the experience of finding lucky money! (and getting to KEEP it!):)

Sunday, December 10, 2006


(I have no idea who wrote this...it was sent to me in an email...with no Author. But I do know that it was a talk from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.)

"I’d like you to list all of the symbols of fire you can think of:

TG—Fire See also Earth, Cleansing of; Flame; God, Presence of; God, Spirit of; Hell; Holy Ghost, Baptism of; Transfiguration; World, End of;

I think it is ironic that fire not only represents the presence of God, but also hell. Perhaps for some it is the same thing. My mom got an idea that I thought was interesting. She said that she thinks that hell is actually cold, referring to the scriptural phrase, in Matthew, which says “the love of many shall wax cold.” She said that God lives in “Eternal Burnings” and it would actually be hell to live in His presence if you were not worthy. She thought that the final state referred to as “hell” might really be a more comfortable place for those who wish to make it their home.

As a young boy, Daniel was carried captive from Jerusalem to Babylon. He and other promising Hebrew youths—including his friends Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego—were trained in the court of King Nebuchadnezzar. They exercised great courage in refusing to worship the false Gods of the Babylonians. Not only did they refuse to eat the kings’ meat, which was part of the Babylonian ritualistic worship, but they also refused to bow to the idol built by the king.

• King Nebuchadnezzar built a 90 foot tall golden statue in the form of a man and decreed that anyone who would not worship his idol would be cast into a fiery furnace. How did Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego respond to the decree? (See Daniel 3:12.) What did Nebuchadnezzar do when he found out that they would not worship his idol? (Daniel 3:19–20.)

• What did Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego say when the king threatened to throw them in the furnace? (See Daniel 3:16–18.)

What is it about their response that is so inspiring?

They were willing to obey the Lord whether He protected them or not. What was the outcome of their story? Does obedience always result in miracles and freedom from harm? What examples can you think of where it did not?

Sometimes obedience yields great suffering. The people of the Lord have been persecuted for centuries. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were Jewish. And I’d like to introduce you to a story of another Jew. His name was Elie Weisel and he lived through the holocaust. He recorded his heart wrenching experience at Auswich in a book called Night. A Christian man by the name of Francois Mauriac wrote the foreword for his book. I’d like to quote a portion of it:

“The child who tells us his story here was one of God’s chosen. From the time he began to think, he lived only for God, studying the Talmud, eager to be initiated into the Kabbalah, wholly dedicated to the Almighty. Have we ever considered the consequence of a less visible, less striking abomination, yet the worst of all, for those of us who have faith; the death of God in the soul of a child who suddenly faces absolute evil?
Let us try to imagine what goes on in his mind as his eyes watch rings of black smoke unfurl in the sky, smoke that emanates from the furnaces into which his little sister and his mother had been thrown after thousands of other victims:

[Quoting a poem written by Elie Weisel he writes]

Never shall I forget that night, the first night in camp, that turned my life into one long night seven times sealed.
Never shall I forget that smoke.
Never shall I forget the small faces of the children whose bodies I saw transformed into smoke under a silent sky.
Never shall I forget those flames that consumed my faith forever.
Never shall I forget the nocturnal silence that deprived me for all eternity of the desire to live.
Never shall I forget those moments that murdered my God and my soul and turned my dreams to ashes.
Never shall I forget those things, even were I condemned to olive as long as God himself.

It was then that I understood what had first appealed to me about this young Jew: the gaze of a Lazerus risen from the dead yet still held captive in the somber regions into which he had strayed, stumbling over desecrated corpses. For him, Neitzche’s cry articulated an almost physical reality: God is dead, the God of love, of gentlenss and consolation, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob had, under the watchful gaze of this child, vanished forever into the smoke of the human holocaust demanded by the Race, the most voracious of all idols.
And how many devout Jews endured such a death? On that most horrible day, even among all those other bad days, when the child witnessed the hanging (yes!) of another child who, he tells us, had the face of a sad angel, he heard someone behind him groan:

“For God’s sake, where is God?”
And from within me, I heard a voice answer:
“Where He is? This is where—hanging from this gallows.”

On the last day of the Jewish year, the child is present at the solemn ceremony of Rosh Hashanah. He hears thousands of slaves cry out in unison, “Blessed be the Almighty!” Not so long ago, he too would have knelt down, and with such worship, such awe, such love! But this day, he does not kneel, he stands. The human creature, humiliated and offended in ways that are inconceivable to the mind or the heart, defies the blind and deaf divinity…

And I, who believe that God is love, what answer was there to give my young interlocutor whose dark eyes still held the reflection of the angelic sadness that had appeared one day on the face of a hanged child? What did I say to him? Did I speak to him of that other Jew, this crucified brother who perhaps resembled him and whose cross conquered the world? Did I explain to him that what had been a stumbling block for his faith had become a cornerstone for mine? And that the connection between the cross and human suffering remains, in my view, the key to the unfathomable mystery in which the faith of his childhood was lost? And yet, Zion has risen up again out of the crematoria and the slaughterhouses. The Jewish nation has been resurrected from among its thousands of dead. It is they who have given it new life. We do not know the worth of one single drop of blood, one single tear. All is grace. If the Almighty is the Almighty, the last word for each of us belongs to him. That is what I should have said to the Jewish child. But all I could do was embrace him and weep.

Why doesn’t obedience guarantee our freedom from harm?

Man must exercise his agency and be judged by his choices.

Alma 14

8 And they brought their wives and children together, and whosoever believed or had been taught to believe in the word of God they caused that they should be acast into the fire; and they also brought forth their records which contained the holy scriptures, and cast them into the fire also, that they might be burned and destroyed by fire.
9 And it came to pass that they took Alma and Amulek, and carried them forth to the place of martyrdom, that they might witness the destruction of those who were consumed by fire.
10 And when Amulek saw the pains of the women and children who were consuming in the fire, he also was pained; and he said unto Alma: How can we witness this awful scene? Therefore let us stretch forth our hands, and exercise the power of God which is in us, and save them from the flames.
11 But Alma said unto him: The Spirit constraineth me that I must not stretch forth mine hand; for behold the Lord receiveth them up unto himself, in glory; and he doth suffer that they may do this thing, or that the people may do this thing unto them, according to the hardness of their hearts, that the judgments which he shall exercise upon them in his wrath may be just; and the blood of the innocent shall stand as a witness against them, yea, and cry mightily against them at the last day.
12 Now Amulek said unto Alma: Behold, perhaps they will burn us also.
13 And Alma said: Be it according to the will of the Lord. But, behold, our work is not finished; therefore they burn us not.

We are shaped by our afflictions—How has suffering become a blessing in your life?

To test our faith, or our trust in God

As a young man, I returned home from an eighth-grade basketball tournament dejected, disappointed, and confused. I blurted out to my mother, “I don’t know why we lost—I had faith we’d win!”

I now realize that I did not then know what faith is.

Faith is not bravado, not just a wish, not just a hope. True faith is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ—confidence and trust in Jesus Christ that leads a person to follow Him. 1

Centuries ago, Daniel and his young associates were suddenly thrust from security into the world—a world foreign and intimidating. When Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego refused to bow down and worship a golden image set up by the king, a furious Nebuchadnezzar told them that if they would not worship as commanded, they would immediately be cast into a burning fiery furnace. “And who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?” 2

The three young men quickly and confidently responded, “If it be so [if you cast us into the furnace], our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand.” That sounds like my eighth-grade kind of faith. But then they demonstrated that they fully understood what faith is. They continued, “But if not, … we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.” 3 That is a statement of true faith.

They knew that they could trust God—even if things didn’t turn out the way they hoped…

The world is a testing place for mortal men and women. When we understand that it’s all a test, administered by our Heavenly Father, who wants us to trust in Him and to allow Him to help us, we can then see everything more clearly…

Men accomplish marvelous things by trusting in the Lord and keeping His commandments—by exercising faith even when they don’t know how the Lord is shaping them…

[There are many scriptural accounts of miracles wrought by faith, but]

“others had trial of cruel mockings and scourgings, … bonds and imprisonment:

“They were stoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the sword: they wandered about … being destitute, afflicted, tormented; … 17

“God having provided some better things for them through their sufferings, for without sufferings they could not be made perfect.” 18

Our scriptures and our history are replete with accounts of God’s great men and women who believed that He would deliver them, but if not, they demonstrated that they would trust and be true.

He has the power, but it’s our test…

We must have the same faith as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego.

Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not … He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. … He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, … we will trust in the Lord.

Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not. … He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not. … We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not, … we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has.”

May we each have the courage to faithfully endure our fires; for it is through them that we are prepared to enter and embrace the eternal burnings of heaven."

Friday, December 08, 2006


That is the ending line out of one of the great classics, "It's a wonderful life". "No man is a failure who has friends." How truth those words ring forth to me. My desire and strength to survive the past few years has been little. Infact....that desire mostly slipped through my hands as I lay bound to whatever fate was to come upon me. But one by one....a friend would carry me....they would hold my hand....they would lay by me....they would cry with me...they would offer inspiration or encouragement....they would send me a blue butterfly :)....they would pray for me...they would "bare me up even as upon Eagles wings".
If I were to tell you the thing I am most proud of in my life, it is that I have the greatest blessing of having precious friends. But not just friends....friends who walk with these words engraven in their hearts; "By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another."
For those who are thinking, "I have no friends or I have very little"....I would say that you are mistaken. If I had power somehow to rent the veil, I promise you that your very own host of friends and loved ones would be standing in reverance as they beheld you. Friends who have loved you long before....who walk with you even now...who watch over you...who know you in ways that only heavenly friends could. I would remind you of the movie "It's a wonderful life" About a man who get's a rare glimpse into what his life would have been like without him, how he changed lives, saved lives, and how many people loved him and needed him.
Our eyes are not always open to those around us who really are our friends. Sometimes our own eyes deceive us. Sometimes we need to pray that our eyes will be open to see with eternal perspective.

I have a saying above my "wall of fame" that says "I get by with a little help from my friends" :) And I do. I really do. :)
If I could leave any legacy upon this earth...it would be that I was a friend to every man or woman who crossed my path. And that the friends I have...would never ever doubt my friendship.

Friday, December 01, 2006


I have no leaves left on my trees. None. But on my doorstep there was this one beautiful leaf. It made me smile.


"And the world thought she had it all"

Life isn't about keeping score. It's not about how many people call you and it's not about who you've dated, or who your dating. It isn't about your shoes, or your hair, or the color of your skin. It's not about money or clothes. It's not about where you work or the size of your house. Life isn't about how accepted or unaccepted you are. Life just isn't about that.

But...life is about who you love and apologizing to those you've hurt. It's about forgiving. It's about how you feel about yourself. It's about trust, happiness, and compassion. It's about sticking up for the underdog. It's about not judging a book by it's cover. It's about replacing jealousy, overcoming ignorance and indifference, and building confidence. It's about what you say and what you mean. It's about seeing people for who they are and not for what they have. Most of all it's about choosing to use your life to touch someone elses in a way that could never have been achieved otherwise. This is what life is all about.

-Author Unknown

Monday, November 27, 2006


"Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the mask I wear. For I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled, I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in commandand that I need no one, but don't believe me. My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask, ever-varying and ever-concealing. Beneath lies no complacence. Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope, and I know it. It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers I so painstakingly build. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself, that I'm worth something. But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me. I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothingand that you will see this and reject me. So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance withoutand a trembling child within. So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front. I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me. So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can't say. I don't like hiding. I don't like playing superficial phony games. I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me but you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand even when that's the last thing I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings--very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings! With your power, you can breathe life into me. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask, you alone can release me from my shadow-world. Do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back. It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man often I am irrational. I fight against the very thing I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls and in this lies my hope. Please try to beat down those wallswith firm hands but with gentle hands for a child is very sensitive. Who am I, you may wonder? For I am every man, every woman, every child you meet."

~Charles C. Finn

Tuesday, November 21, 2006


I recently sent out an email to family and friends, in my efforts to educate more people about depression. I really didn't expect replys...but I got a few. There were many kind comments of support and love offered. I appreciated that so much. But....there was also something else. I'm not really sure how to explain it. There was a handful of people who's words and tone came across as very patronizing. I found myself sitting back in my chair puzzled. Kind of shaking my head. I had flashes of these people...because many of them had also struggled through depression and anxieties....deep struggles of the mind and heart. I had watched them and walked with them. I also watched them be released from these things. The pain and anguish slipping away and becoming invisible before their eyes. What a blessing. But now...here they were living a new kind of life, and they had forgotten. How quick to forget the road they walked.

I wonder about this. I try and think of how many times I have done this. When someone is hurting, do I give them a pat on the back and "wish them luck"?? Do I not take the time to think about them and THINK about what they are really going through? Do I just "Talk the talk" and not "Walk the walk"? And even more important, do they SEE and KNOW that I am not taking their pain lightly.
A few weeks ago, I was having dinner with a friend of mine. We were talking and I found myself sharing a very painful experience that I went through. As I shared this personal moment of my life...I saw his eyes fill with tears as he quietly listened. I paused and an unspeakable gratitude filled my heart. I looked at him and beheld a person who cared enough to not just listen...but to feel what I had gone through. He could never know what that meant to me. Even now it makes me cry. Even now.
I keep thinking about the Savior. Reflecting on his agony and sacrifice. We don't understand the depths of that. Perhaps in this life, we never will. This, more than anything must never be forgotten. HE must never be forgotten.
I like these words; "Take heed to thyself, and keep thy soul diligently, lest thou forget the things which thine eyes have seen, and lest they depart from thy heart all the days of thy life". (Deut 4:9)
We must not forget. Ever. We can and should all strive with greater steps and determined hearts...to never ascend out of our own darkness and the darkness of others...FORGETFUL.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

*10,000 MILES*

(Here is a link to the song that you can listen to. It is not my photography...but whoever put it together did a beatufiul job.) http://youtube.com/watch?v=3kieyW-FKyQ&feature=related

*10,000 Miles*

"Fare thee well
My own true love
Farewell for a while
I’m going away
But I’ll be back
Though I go 10,000 miles

10,000 miles
My own true love
10,000 miles or more
The rocks may melt
And the seas may burn
If I should not return

Oh don’t you see
That lonesome dove
Sitting on an ivy tree
She’s weeping for
Her own true love
As I shall weep for mine

Oh come ye back
My own true love
And stay a while with me
If I had a friend
All on this earth
You’ve been a friend to me"



*Wynken, Blynken, and Nod"

(This is a poem that I have loved all my life. My mother read it to us when we were little and I have loved it since".

"Wynken, Blynken, and Nod one night
Sailed off in a wooden shoe---
Sailed on a river of crystal light,
Into a sea of dew.
"Where are you going, and what do you wish?"
The old moon asked the three.
"We have come to fish for the herring fish
That live in this beautiful sea;
Nets of silver and gold have we!"
Said Wynken,
And Nod.
The old moon laughed and sang a song,
As they rocked in the wooden shoe,
And the wind that sped them all night long
Ruffled the waves of dew.
The little stars were the herring fish
That lived in that beautiful sea---
"Now cast your nets wherever you wish---
Never afeard are we";
So cried the stars to the fishermen three:
And Nod.
All night long their nets they threw
To the stars in the twinkling foam---
Then down from the skies came the wooden shoe,
Bringing the fishermen home;
'T was all so pretty a sail it seemed
As if it could not be,
And some folks thought 't was a dream they 'd dreamed
Of sailing that beautiful sea---
But I shall name you the fishermen three:
And Nod.
Wynken and Blynken are two little eyes,
And Nod is a little head,
And the wooden shoe that sailed the skies
Is a wee one's trundle-bed.
So shut your eyes while mother sings
Of wonderful sights that be,
And you shall see the beautiful things
As you rock in the misty sea,
Where the old shoe rocked the fishermen three:
And Nod."

~By Eugene Field


I found these words about a year ago, by a man from England named Brian Thompson. They seemed to be just for me at that dark and painful hour.

"If this life were all that mattered, if its hopes and fears were all,
How could you squeeze one life into a place so cramped and small?
And if this life were everything, what would we ever do,
with the soul’s own quiet longing, for the land it never knew?

But there is another country and there is another land
There’s a promise waits fulfillment, and there is an outstretched hand.
And a journey to be taken and a destination found,
And my travels won’t be over, till I stand on holy ground.

Because nothing here is like it and nothing else will do
It’s the land of my possessing and the home I was born to.
In my sleep and in my waking, I can hear the call so strong.
And I understand the music, though I have not learnt the song.

There’s a crown and there’s a country, there’s a king and there’s a throne,
There’s a people with a longing and a language all their own.
They are born of tribulation they are born of fire and flood.
They are born of Christ’s own Spirit, they are born of Christ’s own blood.

They are standing in the presence of a God who knows their name
And they shine like stars for beauty and they burn like purest flame:
For they held their lives much cheaper than the Name they held most dear;
And the one they lived and died for, is the one who called them here.

And their praise flows like a river and their worship like the sea,
It’s the sound of many waters, it’s the shout of victory.
They’re the called and they’re the chosen, they’re the ransomed from the fall,
And the witness of the weakest, is the wonder of them all.

They’re his loved and they’re his longed-for, they’re his joy and his delight.
For each one of these he travailed, they are his and his by right
They are near him, and they know him, and now nothing lies between;
For they see no longer darkly, but they see as they are seen.

Every name and every nation, every tribe and every tongue
Gathered here to join the chorus of the song that must be sung,
And the music soars yet higher, like an eagle on the wing
On the day of coronation, of the Christ already King.

Then the books will all be opened and the Book of Life will show,
Those who know the God they’ve come to, those who only claimed to know.
Every sleeping conscience woken, every hidden thing made known,
Every secret refuge shattered, every fond illusion flown.

Every argument grown silent, every last lie swept away,
It’s the final close of business, and the dawn of Judgment Day.
And the tears of godly sorrow and the tears of angry pain,
Will be joined for one brief moment and will never meet again.

For this is no flight of fancy and this is no distant dream.
You are closer than you know and you are nearer than you seem.
There’s a destiny here waiting and a journey to be done;
For the pilgrim and the stranger, for the daughter and the son.

At the last, the waiting over, every perfect thing in place,
No more needing, only knowing, no more growing, only grace.
And the bride in borrowed beauty, shines like crystal in the sun
And the Bridegroom, with delight, declares the wedding feast begun!"

By Brian Thompson from England

Friday, November 10, 2006


Human suffering comes to all mankind. Most people will pass through a form of it at one time or another. Others might feel that they have had more then their share of it. And then there are those who are as familiar with it as they are with the back of their hand. We might call them such things as; The depressed, acquainted with grief or as was said of Job of old, "hated ones".

They find that no matter how hard they try....the bondage of sorrow is always clapping at their heals. Day in and day out…Their opposition consistent and steady as the rising son. The words of Joseph Smith ring true to them when he said "Deep water is what I am wont to swim in" The depths of which…only God himself knows. Those depths can be grueling, taxing, mocking, and like the heavy as a dead weight upon their shoulders. It is the wrenching of their very heart strings... in both body and mind.

If you look back throughout history...you find a startling amount of those whom you might consider "The great ones" who have walked such painful, thorn filled, roads. Take for instance, a few of these famous names....Abraham Lincoln, Aristotle, Martin Luther King, C.S. Lewis, Joseph Smith .......and many many more. We could go back even further in time and find The mighty Job of old, Jeremiah, Rebecca, Abraham and Sarah, Joseph of Egypt, and most importantly Jesus Christ, who was so acutely acquainted with grief that he was known as a "man of sorrows" and a man who's suffering caused him to "Bleed from every pore".

There is an old saying that a man can't kneel and shake his fist at the sky at the same time. I beg to differ. At quite a young age, I made Heavenly Father (God) my best friend. I had no one else. At least no one who understood me. And something inside me told me that HE did. From that time forth....I told him EVERYTHING. I told him how I hated my parents relationship, how I always felt that I loved others more than they loved me. I told him of the boys I loved, the friends I hoped for, and thanked him often for how beautifully he had created this world. I talked of weeping willow trees, butterflies, my mother's compassion, the greatness of a friendship...and the love I had for my nieces and nephews. I also spoke to him of my own sorrows, anxieties, fears and everything that accompanies I own personal cross that I have had to bare. I have certainly shaken my fist at the sky, I have cursed him and yelled at him...and hated him. And yet...in the deepest part of my heart, I know he's still listening. That he is not a God with a whip! He is not angry or mad at me. But instead is like the best father you could ever hope for. That he is patient, kind, and more understanding than you could ever imagine.

There are a lot of us, especially me, who ask on a daily basis, "Why LORD? Why me!?" Or perhaps ones lament might be… "Why does my sister have to suffer? Why have I lost the love of my life? Why have I lost my friend to the grave? Why do the innocent suffer? We go through the whys, and despite the opinion of some of the greatest men and women…I find my own heart saying that is OKAY to do so. Because when you search...you most likely will find. And there are answers to be found! A God, who proclaimed to all people…that he is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, will surely speak to us from his heaven, as he always has. There are times when we must accept that not all things can be answered in this life. Not all relationships can be mended. And not all of the "Whys" can be answered. And when I find this happening in my own life, I reflect on the words of a man named "Nephi" from the book of Mormon who stated "I know not the meaning of all things, nevertheless...I know that God loves his children."

And sometimes the whys do get answered. Joseph Smith was given wise words from the Lord, during a time of great sorrow.

D&C 122: 7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit•, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep•; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience•, and shall be for thy good.

Experience. That is the key word. Experience changes us...it makes us hard or soft. An old seaman who has become withered from the sun and storms of life...is most likely to offer the most compassion to an aspiring sailor.


This photo was taken on July 11th 2006. I had not slept at all that night and could feel my body literally shutting down. I knew there was a good chance I would not live much longer. This is me seeing the first sunrise since I was a young girl. I was admitted into the hospital a couple weeks later and my life was spared. I did something called ECT. Electric shock therapy. (It is not for everyone) It saved my life. It did not heal me, but I am doing much better and have greater hope again).


Depression has been my constant companion my whole life. It came upon me as a young girl and has ruled and reigned over me since that time. I have fought like a lion to survive it and overcome it. But it is like tar. It is unspeakable and there is no real understanding of it in this world. It has been hard for me to talk about, because there is such quick judgement. In a matter of moments you are seen in a whole new light. Not a good light. I don't blame the reactions of others. They are mostly ingnorant. They try to understand. But unless you have walked with this "Noonday Demon"...you can't know the depths of it. Your mind and body are held captive and you are controlled. There are many resources that can assist in helping this. Medication & therapy help alot of people. But so many find that no matter what they try it still hangs over them. The mind is oppressed and they can find no solace.

For those who wonder about depression and want to understand it more. It's first helpful to know what these people go through. Here are just a few things; Nagging fatigue, Anxiety, Sadness, Despair, Confusion, No appetite or desire to eat, Insomnia or not being to wake up..(usually it's both at different times), Nightmares or disturbing dreams, no phisical strength, guilt (for no reason at all), easily overwhelmed (noise has always been terribly disturbing to me), headaches or migraines, and a hand full of other things. A huge reminder is that this is NOT mind over matter. I don't believe that at all! There are many who will disagree with me. That is fine. But walking this road for more than 15 years...I know alot about it. If it was mind over matter, I would have been healed years ago. Of course we can learn to master our negativity and always do better at controling our thoughts. But this illness is like a form of Cancer. You do not get to pick and choose when it will go into remission. When you wake up, you are at war. And you fight to survive. This is not a "Whoa is me" blog, but rather an expression of what those who suffer this REALLY go through. I weep for those who endure these things...for I know they feel they must mourn out their days like a dark and dreary nightmare. I want them to know that they are not alone...even though they feel like it. I want them to know that there IS hope. Many things are coming out that will assit in healing depression. And most of all, "God keeps company with those who are oppressed" It is harder to feel him or hear him in this state of mind. But he NEVER leaves you. I have only lived this long because he has sustained me. I have prayed hundreds of hours for relief and deliverance. The first was rarely given to me, and the second has never come. But I believe that the day will come, even if it is not granted to me or them in this life.

I believe that what a person will gain from this trial is more than tounge can tell. A compassion and understand for others, wisdom and a love that in is boundless.

Here are some powerful words I have found from the scriptures. The first is from Psalms 30 12&13;

"For their soul shall be as a watered garden; and they shall not sorrow anymore at all. For I will turn their mourning into joy, and will comfort them, and make them to rejoice from their sorrow."

Also I love these words from Revelation 21: 4&5

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be anymore pain; for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold I make ALL things NEW".

For those who wonder what they can do to help, I suggest loving them, praying for them, assisting them in anyway you know how, offering friendship and your shoulder to help bare them up. Please don't judge them or ask them to "Snap out of it". Stand by them.

Remind them and remember that they are heros for enduring such things.


There are so many beautiful hearts in this world. Each filled with their own magic. The magic that comes from their personal experiences, their perceptions, their dreams and visions, their personal beauty. Nobody else gets to be you. Nobody else has your exact thoughts or your insights. But so many are afraid to share their hearts. They are afraid of what others might think. I realize that there are many things that are sacred and should be kept to ourselves. But I also have seen how other peoples hearts have affected mine. When they open their mouths in writing or speaking out...I am changed. Sometimes they plant seeds..sometimes they open my minds...sometimes they comfort me...sometimes they heal me....and sometimes they even move mountains that I am not able to climb on my own. We can carry eachother in this way. And so many of us need to be carried at various moments. I hid myself for so long. I hid my heart. The only one who knew my thoughts was God and my journals. And then one day I decided to give what was in me...away. That maybe my thoughts...my dreams...my poetry...my view of the world might help another. If more of us chose to do this, the world would radiate sunshine and conquer the darkness that surrounds us. I believe this with all my heart.


I watched "Instinct" tonight. I forgot how much I loved that movie. I cried like a baby. That movie says more than I could ever express in words...more than this world has the capability of saying. It speaks volumes about everything I want to be...everything that I want to learn. Compassion, kindness, forgivness, tolerance, hope, friendship, courage, understanding, empathy, and being brave. In a world of darkness & despair..everyone has power to protect the innocent and to love in a way that does not come from what society has taught. Love in it's purest form is the only thing that can defy the darkness. Sometimes you have to dig deep. You have to go to places you don't want to go. You have to open your mouth when you would rather be silent. And you have to walk forward when you would rather flee. I'm glad I saw the movie again. I am grateful for the reminder.


So I was thinking about President Bush tonight and thinking how he has been judged so harshly. Now, I'm not big into politics...but I have a great love and respect for him. I always follow my heart with people and my heart always said that he was a good man. A God fearing man, who loves his family, and has done his best. The man has weaknesses, but my question is, WHO DOESN'T??? He has struggled in expressing things at times, he gets jumbled over words, or makes mistakes with grammar and such. Because of these things he is mocked on a daily basis. It's rediculous.

So the other week, I asked the Lord what his opinion was. And straight away Ether 12: 24-26 came to mind. It reads;

23 And I said unto him: Lord, the Gentiles will mock at these things, because of our weakness in writing; for Lord thou hast made us mighty in word by faith, but thou hast not made us mighty in writing; for thou hast made all this people that they could speak much, because of the Holy Ghost which thou hast given them;

24 And thou hast made us that we could write but little, because of the awkwardness of our hands. Behold, thou hast not made us mighty in writing like unto the brother of Jared, for thou madest him that the things which he wrote were mighty even as thou art, unto the overpowering of man to read them.
25 Thou hast also made our words powerful and great, even that we cannot write them; wherefore, when we write we behold our weakness, and stumble because of the placing of our words; and I fear lest the Gentiles shall mock at our words.
26 And when I had said this, the Lord spake unto me, saying: Fools mock, but they shall mourn; and my grace is sufficient for the meek, that they shall take no advantage of your weakness;

That is just like what President Bush has had to endure. Because he is not mighty in 'Speaking' he is mocked and called dumb, stupid, and unintelligent.

I'm grateful for the Lords reminder, that "FOOLS MOCK".

Thursday, October 05, 2006


First Grade. Age 6. I'm not sure if anyone really remembers much about that young time in their lives. Perhaps there are a few glimpses and memories of lunch boxes, Recess or your first grade teacher. Mine? Miss Iverson. She wore bright red lipstick and was very animated. I liked her. I thought she was nice. But I don't remember anything else about her...or the class. I don't remember faces, and I don't remember names, I don't remember lessons or games.
But I will tell you, that I remember one boy. A boy that set the tone for all other boys! A boy that I could never forget...because of one quiet little moment. Ben Adams... that was his name. And here is why I remember him...

I must have just walked into class from somewhere. Maybe it was the start of a new day, Gym class, Recess, or lunchtime. I don't recall. I just know that as I attempted to take my seat, some little smart alec kid (whom I can't for the life me recall...but probably had a name like "Scott FARKUS") decided to pull my chair out from under me! There I went! DOWN! Flat on my butt. I bet the kids around me laughed. I bet the Farkus kid laughed his head off and thought he was stinking hilarious! But I honestly don't remember. All I could see was a beautiful brown haired boy come walking towards me, and offer me his hand. Picture that in slow motion. A six or seven year old boy offering his hand to help me up! Who does that? What little kid even thinks of something like that? But he did. And I loved him for it. I took his hand...and he helped me up. And I have NEVER forgotten it.

Sounds simple, maybe silly. But even at that young age...I recognized what the word "Gentleman" means. For those who might be in question of what that definition is, let me offer the words of my friend, Websters Worldwide Dictionary;

"A Chivalrous, honorable, kind, amiable, well mannered man. Considerate or kindly in disposition, free from harshness, sterness, or violence."

Somehow...at that moment in time, I already knew what that word meant. My heart knew it. And I recognized it for the first time, as a first grader.

I would then spend the next 25 or so years of my life watching, as many friends and boyfriends would come gallaping in and out of my life. Each one being placed, unconsiously, in a category. A boy? a man? or a gentleman?

Call me old fashioned...call me crazy...call me anything you want. But I know the truth. I know the worth of a gentle-man.
How few of them are to be found in this world. Apparently the idea has lost it's luster. It's not cool to be kind, considerate, or thoughtful. But it is very cool to be selfish, indulgent, brash, and crude. A man/boy like that is a dime a dozen. Take your pick! They come in all colors, varieties, ages, and shapes. But really they are all the same. There is NOTHING remarkable about them. Nothing to remember or write in the 'ole journal about! NOT A THING.

But a gentleman? They are worth their weight in Gold. They are written about, cherished, and remembered. Some EVEN revere their names and call them "Blessed". Some people cry when they think of them. I know I do.

The irony is that it's not as hard as one might think. Saying the please and thank yous. Offering a gracious and sincere compliment. The thoughtful note or deed. The opening of a car door or the helping of putting a coat on. The showing of respect for women, children, and all mankind.

It is meekness in it's purest form. It is graciousness in all it's majesty. It is the chivalry of the ancients.

A man who walks this road is noble and he is GREAT! "Who can find a virtuous man ? For his price is above rubies!"

Sunday, October 01, 2006


The Haskins are my second family. I met them on a trip to visit my best friend in San Jose, California when I was 15. I instantly fell in love with them. All 12 of them! They pretty much raised me in many ways...and they are my best friends in all the world. They are just as much my siblings...as my own flesh and blood. They brought me out of my horrible shyness and taught me how to laugh at myself..(something I was not good at.) They also taught me to live the gospel of Jesus Christ and to love it in a way I never thought I could. I learned to pray, to speak up, to serve, to laugh, and to love. Brother Haskin was the priesthood leader in my life and was the Lords instrument and mouth piece through out my teenage and young adult years. Like a butterfly in it's cocoon, everything beautiful was in there, it just needed to be brought out.

My favorite memories with them, are when we go camping. For many years I would go with them to Yosemite. Oh, how I love that place. I can picture them sitting around the campfire and singing in harmony with their beautiful voices. (I'm not a singer)...one of my favorite songs that they sing, is "God gave the wiseman"


This week I went up to American Fork canyon to visit them on their yearly campout. It was filled with all the same wonderful things. Good food, good conversation, and much laughter. I was not able to stay for the night on account of my health. I said my goodbyes, when out of the blue Sister Haskin reminded me that we had not yet sung any songs. (Something they know I enjoy listening to) I told them it was okay and I better head home. As I started to walk away...they began to sing, "God gave the wisesman" for me. Big tears rolled down my face..and I quietly wept. How grateful I am for this precious family. How loving the Lord has been in granting me their friendship. How grateful I am for their love and support over the years. I am who I am...because of them.


There is an old saying that I have loved for many years. I recognized it as something that was not only true, but also a wise reminder of the power of ones words. The saying is, "Sticks and stones may break our bones...but words will break our hearts." How very true. I have thought back to the many people who have come in and out of my life...even those who passed by for only a brief moment. Each one, unique in their gifts and different from each other. But still...every one of them had one common gift...the sword of their mouths. The power to defend, honor, lift and protect....or bruise, wound, or even slay. How wise is the reminder to "Think before you speak". I am first to admit that I am far from perfect in this...but lately I have put this virtue or rather truth to the test. Over the last few weeks I paid close attention to the things that I said to others, along with what others said to me, and how it made me feel. How easy it was for my spirits to be lifted by kind or gracious words. To feel a ray of sunshine by please and thank you's....or any other courteous or friendly remark. On the other hand, I also saw how easy it was to feel the sting of sharp words. How sarcasim dampens spirits and can so quickly diminish confidence and hope and damage the heart. Often our words can cause the smile of a friend or stranger to fade away. OR..."turn a frown upside down" and ignite the light of a weary traveler or empty soul. If you think back on your life....I bet there are many remarks that you will remember, both good and bad. They stay with us, they chang us, they shape us. Most of the time, we don't know how we affect others....we may never see it with our eyes. But we can rest assure that kindness always wins. It is a bright and shiney sword that can be used to bless and strengthen others. To keep it hidden is such a waste...and to use it to hurt or humiliate is a shame. "Out of the abundance of the heart...the mouth speaketh." (Luke 6:45) Our mouth speaks volumes about our hearts...I even believe it can reveal ALL things.

So, my thought for the week? Think....before you speak. Lift your sword for good and be a blessing to all who come in contact with you.

Sunday, September 03, 2006


~Serendipity : When love feels like magic, it's called Destiny. When destiny has a sense of humor, it's called Serendipity.

~Life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences, but rather it is a tapestry of acts that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan.

~If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.

~Romans did not have obituaries. When a man died, they asked only one question: Did he have passion?!

~If we are to live life in harmony with the universe-we all must possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call fatem, what we currently refer to as destiny.

(This movie is remarkable! I heart it soooooooooo much! John Cusack is the best hopeless romantic! What a star!)

Tuesday, July 18, 2006


(Here is a link to hear the song. It shows pictures from Lord of the rings...the theme of me & my Sam.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24fGmWG6kpg
INTO THE WEST~ Annie Lennox

(Kim, "the ships have come to carry you home")

Lay down
Your sweet and weary head
Night is falling
Youve come to journey's end
Sleep now
And dream of the ones who came before
They are calling
From across the distant shore

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see
All of your fears will pass away
Safe in my arms
You're only sleeping

What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home

And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
All souls pass

Hope fades
Into the world of night
Through shadows falling
Out of memory and time
Don't say: «We have come now to the end»
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again

And you'll be here in my arms
Just sleeping

And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
Grey ships pass
Into the West

Thursday, July 13, 2006


My sister Pammy

Tonight my sister is walking one of the Mormon Treks down at Martins Cove, WY. She will walk the same walk...as many of our pioneer heritage. My sister is tiny! She is 5'2 and ways as much as a bag of flour. :) But she is the toughest mother scratcher I have ever known! She has 4 boys and is a single mom. The girl has Iron Courage and the faith of the ancients. All I can think about tonight is how tired, hot, and worn down she must feel. I love her more than life itself. She calls me her "American Idol" which is hilarious! But really...she's mine! She is my ears when I can't hear...and my eyes when I can't see. Wave on wave is her special song. And because it's special to her...it's now special to me. And the reason it's so special is only for US to know. It's our secret.

So this song is for you, "Sam"! I love you and I'm the luckiest girl on earth to have you as my sister. I hold your name sacred.

Light the torch! Blow the horn! Into the west Pammy...into the west!

Wave~ ~ ~ ~Wave ~ ~ ~ ~ ~Wave ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Wave~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Mile upon mile, got no direction.
We're all playin' the same game.
We're all lookin' for redemption.
Just to pray, to say the name.

So caught up now in pretendin'
That what we're seekin' is the truth.
I'm just lookin' for a happy endin'.
All I'm lookin' for is you.

You came upon me, wave on wave.
You're the reason I'm still here, yeah.
Am I the one you were sent to save?
You came upon me, wave on wave.

I wandered out into the water,
An' I thought that I might drown.
I don't know what I was after,
Just know I was goin' down.

And that's when she found me.
Not afraid anymore.
She said: "You know, I always had you, baby.
"Just waitin' for you to find what you were lookin' for."

You came upon me, wave on wave.
You're the reason I'm still here, yeah.
Am I the one you were sent to save?
It came upon me, wave on wave.

Wave on wave.
Wave on wave.

An' it came upon me, wave on wave.
You're the reason I'm still here, yeah.
Am I the one you were sent to save?
It came upon me, wave on wave.

The clouds broke and the angels cried:
"You ain't gotta wipe the floor."
That's why it put me in your hands.
When it came upon me wave on wave.

Yeah, it came upon me, wave on wave.
You're the reason I'm still here, yeah.
Am I the one you were sent to save?
An' it came upon me, wave on wave.

Yeah, it came upon me, wave on wave.
You're the reason I'm still here, yeah.
Am I the one you were sent to save?
An' it came upon me, wave on wave.

Sunday, July 09, 2006


Gentle Moon~ Sun Kil Moon

smile down on us sun, show your rays
when things come undone
all animals lead, us to light
when we can't see
stars, saturn and moon, glow for those
who cannot get through
rain fall and voice sound for those of whom
still are not found

gentle moon, find them soon
gentle moon, find them

black sky and black sea, lighten up
when we can't breathe
all dreams escape fire, over worlds
fly but won't tire
slow down on us wind, hold us still
when everything spins
all secrets and lies, let them out

dreams escape fire, they won't tire
dreams escape fire, they won't tire

gentle moon, find them soon
gentle moon, find them soon

all calendars pass, days die off
and hope cannot last
but if love was like stone, then yours was mine
through to my bones
but how can we give back to those
with whom we can't live
when will the flame break
and spare the good people it takes

souls escape fire, they rise higher
souls escape fire, they rise higher

gentle moon, find us soon
gentle moon, find us soon

Saturday, July 01, 2006


~Everything that Glitterz isn't Gold~

(My best shot of the day)


Tonight I found a plethora of great quotes (mostly by Simone Weil) I learned alot from them. It took my mind off the pettiness of the world & people that can surround us.

"There is nothing that will stop a man (or woman) in his progress faster than a narrow heart."
~Joseph Smith.

"Those who occupy their minds with small matters, generally become incapable of greatness."
François de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680) French writer.

"A test of what is real is that it is hard and rough. Joys are found in it, not pleasure. What is pleasant belongs to dreams."
Simone Weil

"Difficult as it is really to listen to someone in affliction, it is just as difficult for him to know that compassion is listening to him." (My personal fave!)
Simone Weil

"Human beings are so made that the ones who do the crushing feel nothing; it is the person crushed who feels what is happening. Unless one has placed oneself on the side of the oppressed, to feel with them, one cannot understand."
Simone Weil

"Humanism was not wrong in thinking that truth, beauty, liberty, and equality are of infinite value, but in thinking that man can get them for himself without grace."
Simone Weil
"Humility is attentive patience."
Simone Weil

"The love of our neighbor in all its fullness simply means being able to say to him, "What are you going through?"
Simone Weil

"The proper method of philosophy consists in clearly conceiving the insoluble problems in all their insolubility and then in simply contemplating them, fixedly and tirelessly, year after year, without any hope, patiently waiting."
Simone Weil

"Two prisoners whose cells adjoin communicate with each other by knocking on the wall. The wall is the thing which separates them but is also their means of communication. It is the same with us and God. Every separation is a link."
Simone Weil

"With no matter what human being, taken individually, I always find reasons for concluding that sorrow and misfortune do not suit him; either because he seems too mediocre for anything so great, or, on the contrary, too precious to be destroyed."
Simone Weil


Could Ben Kweller lyrics get ANY BETTER?

Here's a favorite song of mine, given to me by someone I love. But after reading about the Savior tonight in "Jesus the Christ", this song came on my Ipod. Eliminating the word "girl" and it was truly how I felt about Jesus. It has often amazed me how much the Lord speaks to me through music. He is able to reach me on a level that could come in no other way.

And also on the subject of Ben Kweller, I can't say enough good things about him! Not only does he reek KOOLNESS, has talent coming out his ears/mouth, and amazing style...but the guy is a GOOD GUY. So genuine and wise beyond his young years. He has his priorities straight. Very rare for a Rock StaR!

*Believer~ Ben Kweller

When you're hurt you heal others.
When you're in need you give.
Because of you I am living the most that I can live.

Oh, sweet darling
I'm so glad you found me.
Oh, sweet darling
Your power surrounds me.

Remember me, don't forget me,
I have something true.
My path is dark, my steps uncertain, unless I walk
With you.

Oh, sweet darling
I'm so glad you found me.
Oh, sweet darling
Your power surrounds me.

Your power...surrounds me.

You speak to me without speaking.
You touch so I can feel.
With your strength I am stronger, at last I know I'm real.

Oh, sweet darling
I'm so glad you found me.
Oh, sweet darling
Your power surrounds me.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006


I have such a special and deep love for the Prophet Joseph Smith. My testimony of him is sure and steadfast. I have recently been reading much of his life, his character, and his words. Here are only a few of some of my favorite quotes.

"Knowing that though my visage be marred more than that of any...it will be unseared and fair when archangels shall place on my brow the crown of martyr and king in a Heavenly world."

"A fanciful and flowery and heated imagination beware of; because the things of God are of deep import; and time, and experience, and careful and ponderous and solemn thoughts can only find them out. Thy mind, O man! if thou wilt lead a soul unto salvation, must stretch as high as the utmost heavens, and search into and contemplate the darkest abyss, and the broad expanse of eternity—thou must commune with God."

"That which is wrong under one circumstance, may be, and often is, right under another. God said, 'Thou shalt not kill'; at another time He said, 'Thou shalt utterly destroy.' This is the principle on which the government of heaven is conducted—by revelation adapted to the circumstances in which the children of the kingdom are placed. Whatever God requires is right, no matter what it is, although we may not see the reason thereof till long after the events transpire."

"[I]t is not always wise to relate all the truth. Even Jesus, the Son of God, had to refrain from doing so, and had to restrain His feelings many times for the safety of Himself and His followers, and had to conceal the righteous purposes of His heart in relation to many things pertaining to His Father's kingdom."

"If I revealed all that has been made known to me, scarcely a man on this stand would stay with me." and "Brethren, if I were to tell you all I know of the kingdom of God, I do know that you would rise up and kill me."

"Our heavenly Father is more liberal in His views, and boundless in His mercies and blessings, than we are ready to believe or receive; and at the same time more terrible to the workers of iniquity, more awful in the executions of His punishments, and more ready to detect in every false way, than we are apt to suppose Him to be...."

"If you do not accuse each other, God will not accuse you. If you have no accuser you will enter heaven. . . . What many people call sin is not sin; I do many things to break down superstition, and I will break it down."

"I am not afraid to die. Shoot away. I have endured so much oppression, I am weary of life; and kill me, if you please. I am a strong man, however, and with my own natural weapons could soon level both of you."

Joseph Smith.

Sunday, June 25, 2006


"But dignity and majesty have I seen but once"

The Autobiography of Parley P. Pratt

(One of my favorite books of all time, and one of the most life changing books for me, on Latter Day Saint church history. This is a powerful excerpt that shows the very heart and character of Joseph Smith.)

Chapter 26
(Parley speaking of his experience with Joseph Smith as they were in the Richmond prison.)

[01] I must not forget to state that when we arrived in Richmond as prisoners there were some fifty others, mostly heads of families, who had been marched from Caldwell on foot (distance 30 miles), and were now penned up in a cold, open, unfinished court house, in which situation they remained for some weeks, while their families were suffering severe privations.

[02] The next morning after our dialogue with General Clark he again entered our prison and informed us that he had concluded to deliver us over to the civil authorities for an examining trial. He was then asked why he did not do away with the unlawful decree of banishment, which was first ordered by General Lucas, in compliance with the Governor's order, and which compelled thousands of citizens to leave the State. Or upon what principle the military power aided the civil law against us, while at the same time it caused our families and friends to be murdered, plundered and driven, contrary to all law?

[03] He replied that he approved of all the proceedings of General Lucas, and should not alter them. I make this statement because some writers have commended Clark for his heroic, merciful, and prudent conduct towards our society, and have endeavored to make it appear that Clark was not to be blamed for any of the measures of Lucas.

[04] The Court of Inquiry now commenced, before Judge Austin A. King. This continued from the 11th to 28th of November, and our brethren, some fifty in number, were penned up in the cold, dreary court house. It was a very severe time of snow and winter weather, and we suffered much. During this time Elder Rigdon was taken very sick, from hardship and exposure, and finally lost his reason; but still he was kept in a miserable, noisy and cold room, and compelled to sleep on the floor with a chain and padlock round his ankle, and fastened to six others. Here he endured the constant noise and confusion of an unruly guard, the officer of which was Colonel Sterling Price, since Governor of the State.

[05] These guards were composed generally of the most noisy, foul-mouthed, vulgar, disgraceful rabble that ever defiled the earth. While he lay in this situation his son-in-law, George W. Robinson, the only male member of his family, was chained by his side. Thus Mrs. Rigdon and her daughters were left entirely destitute and unprotected. One of his daughters, Mrs. Robinson, a young and delicate female, with her little infant, came down to see her husband, and to comfort and take care of her father in his sickness. When she first entered the room, amid the clank of chains and the rattle of weapons, and cast her eyes on her sick and dejected parent and sorrow worn husband, she was speechless, and only gave vent to her feelings in a flood of tears. This faithful lady, with her little infant, continued by the side of her father till he recovered from his sickness, and till his fevered and disordered mind resumed its wonted powers.

[06] In one of those tedious nights we had lain as if in sleep till the hour of midnight had passed, and our ears and hearts bad been pained, while we had listened for hours to the obscene jests, the horrid oaths, the dreadful blasphemies and filthy language of our guards, Colonel Price at their head, as they recounted to each other their deeds of rapine, murder, robbery, etc., which they had committed among the "Mormons" while at Far West and vicinity. They even boasted of defiling by force wives, daughters and virgins, and of shooting or dashing out the brains of men, women and children.

[07] I had listened till I became so disgusted, shocked, horrified, and so filled with the spirit of indignant justice that I could scarcely refrain from rising upon my feet and rebuking the guards; but had said nothing to Joseph, or any one else, although I lay next to him and knew he was awake. On a sudden he arose to his feet, and spoke in a voice of thunder, or as the roaring lion, uttering, as near as I can recollect, the following words:

[08] SILENCE, ye fiends of the infernal pit. In the name of Jesus Christ I rebuke you, and command you to be still; I will not live another minute and hear such language. Cease such talk, or you or I die THIS INSTANT!

[09] He ceased to speak. He stood in terrible majesty. Chained, and without a weapon; calm, unruffled and dignified as an angel, he looked upon the quailing guards, whose weapons were lowered or dropped to the ground; whose knees smote together, and who, shrinking into a corner, or crouching at his feet, begged his pardon, and remained quiet till a change of guards.

[10] I have seen the ministers of justice, clothed in magisterial robes, and criminals arraigned before them, while life was suspended on a breath, in the Courts of England; I have witnessed a Congress in solemn session to give laws to nations; I have tried to conceive of kings, of royal courts, of thrones and crowns; and of emperors assembled to decide the fate of kingdoms; but dignity and majesty have I seen but once, as it stood in chains, at midnight, in a dungeon in an obscure village of Missouri.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006


Champagne Supernova

There is a very remarkable thing about finding a song that you love. The reasons could be countless to why you love it. Perhaps it’s the sound or tempo. Or the lyrics and the way it makes you feel. Maybe it’s all those things… along with the things that you can’t really put into words. For me, it’s usually the pictures or visions that come to my mind. Being a “Dreamer” by nature…visions can be conjured up in the mind quite easily. And so it has been with this particular song. “Champagne Supernova”

When I first heard it years ago, I thought of a champagne colored car flying through the air, and that’s about it. But recently, a whole new scene opened up. I could see all the times I was mocked for being the “good girl” in Jr. High and High school. All the times I sacrificed what I wanted ‘then’ for what I wanted in the future. The thousands of prayers offered up to God in behalf of that future…quietly hoping that He would someday honor those prayers. All the faith I showed through so many difficult moments of feeling abandoned and alone.
I see all those things. But then an important truth came to my mind. The law of the Harvest. It is a very real thing. This truth that you will one day “reap what you sow”. I believe in that.
And that leads me back to the song…” Someday you will find me…
caught beneath the landslide...in a champagne supernova in the sky!”

A Supernova is this; “A rare celestial phenomenon involving the explosion of most of the material in a star, resulting in an extremely bright, object, that emits vast amounts of energy” The word ‘Champagne’ only represents a color to me. Ironically, one of my favorites.
A Champagne Supernova is my moment to shine. It’s my moment to reap what I’ve sown. A new season of life, full of light, love, happiness, peace, and so many beautiful and BRIGHT things. It’s me saying, “It was ALL worth it”.

It’s a vision…that will soon become a reality. I have no doubt.

Sunday, June 18, 2006



REFLECTION~ I just realized that today is Fathers Day. And what a perfect time to recognize the man who probably get's the short end of the stick every Fathers day! HEAVENLY FATHER. The greatest Dad...I could ever hope for. Your my Best friend!



Here it is 3am...and my friend just sent me this song out of the BLUE! The Irony is that it came at the most perfect and precise moment. He even gave these PROFOUND words to go along with the song..."Jealousy's a bad, bad thing."

Sometimes I think that God has such a funny and endearing sense of humor. :) This wonderful way of communicating with His children on a level that they can understand and relate to.

(Thanks for your intuitive ear, Dainon, I bet you had no idea! This turned my frown upside down. :)


I was dreaming of the past
And my heart was beating fast
I began to lose control
I began to lose control
I didnt mean to hurt you
Im sorry that I made you cry
Oh no, I didnt want to hurt you
Im just a jealous guy

I was feeling insecure
You might not love me anymore
I was shivering inside
I was shivering inside

I didnt mean to hurt you
Im sorry that I made you cry
Oh no, I didnt want to hurt you
Im just a jealous guy

I didnt mean to hurt you
Im sorry that I made you cry
Oh no, I didnt want to hurt you
Im just a jealous guy

I was trying to catch your eyes
Thought that you was trying to hide
I was swallowing my pain
I was swallowing my pain

I didnt mean to hurt you
Im sorry that I made you cry
Oh no, I didnt want to hurt you
Im just a jealous guy, watch out
Im just a jealous guy, look out babe
Im just a jealous guy

Currently listening:
Imagine / Jealous Guy
By John Lennon
Release date: By 15 March, 2005

Saturday, June 10, 2006


(June 3, 2005 Transfer from old blog)

WHO in the world would drive over an hour up the canyon, to some random place, lay down on a blanket in the middle of the night and shoot paint balls up into the sky, ONLY to hope one might land directly on them???
I DO! And I DID! Mostly because my date told me to!! And it was good fun! Ha! The Majestic Mountains, starry sky, and only the sound of paintguns being shot several dozen rounds into the darkness! Two nerds lay on their backs and laughed their guts out! Sometimes we hid under the blanket in fear, sometimes we dared each other to "Keep your mouth open" while the sound of paint balls go whizzing up into the air...and come down with wind...not knowing where its final splat would be. We both got hit a couple times...and had a few close calls! Was it a laugh? Yes! Would I do again? Err… Probably not. :) (I don't want to shoot my eye out! And those things hurt like a MOTHER!)
Current Mood: silly
Current Music: Paradise by Nelly??? Ewww


THE WEATHER MAN SUCKS! (June 26, 2005 'Transferred from old blog')

Saturday...June 25th "High Sunnn!!!!" Yeah baby! Wyatt and I had been planning on swimming all week! Tanned up! Lotioned up! Swimmies on! We both were so excited, we even talked about getting floaties to put on our ankles...so we could feel like little kidz!(NEVER TRY THIS!) As soon as I pulled up at his house...the smile faded from our faces as we watched the storm clouds appear and begin to pour down buckets of water. High Sun? Did he say HIGH SUN??!! What a bunch of CRAP! Is it just me, or is there a big difference between High Sun...and rain & Lightning boltzzzzzzz? I wasn't happy. Wyatt wasn't happy. WE WERN'T HAPPY! So much for Floaties!

What was the alternative plan? SAVERS!!! And oh what treasures we found today! Let's just say the upcoming "SOLID GOLD" photo shoot is gonna "Rock ya like a hurricane!" YEAH YEAH YEAHHH!

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: Why does it always rain on me?/TraVis


"A PURPLE MARTINI" (Taken from an old blog of mine. June 21, 2005)
Swimming pools! Oh how I love them! The smell of Chlorine and suntan lotion is nothing short of a lovely dream for me. My fondest memories as a child are of me and my friend Tammy swimming and eating snow cones, cotton candy, or any treat that would rot our teeth out!

Today...I returned to this old love by going to a swimming pool with my sister. Not the same pool as younger years...but a pool with same smell and color. We laid our towels down and quickly noticed a larger woman with Down-Syndrome next to us. She smiled this bright smile and asked if we would watch her towel while she went for a swim. Of course we said yes. 20 minutes later...she returned with her same bright smile and her bright purple swimming suit! (Something I had not noticed before.) My sister asked her if she had a good swim? She said yes like a child…and then began a conversation that could have only been heaven sent!
We quickly learned of her boyfriend Jim...and how she is secretly engaged! The ring is hidden in a box with a lock and key...and she’s keeping it a secret! We learned that her favorite color was "purple" We learned of her friday night dates and how she wanted to buy a "purple" bikini so that she could show it off to her boyfriend (With this information, she did a little Shimmy dance.)

My sister and I began to have raised eyebrows as the information got more and more explicit! She emptied her bag and showed us her game boy that had a strawberry shortcake game! NICE! My kind of girl! And then her "purple" cd walkman which included such cds as "Tammy Wynette" and "Kid rock!" I had no response to that toxic mixture of music...but I forced the word "Kool" out of my mouth.
Then the classic moment came. She told us all about her Hawaiian birthday party and how she had champagne and a MARTINI! She said.."It made me feel goood.....It made me feel REALLY gooood!" By this time I had bitten a hole through my tongue and was more then delighted with this sweet and funny girl. When her dad came to pick her up....she stood and did a little twirl in the air....her purple suit flying around with her...and her Strawberry colored hair dancing in the sunlight.

At that moment, I thought, "She is magnificent! Life is beautiful to her!!" And I felt a little shame that I did not see the world as she saw it, that I don't talk to a few more strangers and brighten their lives and she had mine....She was a walking, purple, beautiful dream!
Current Mood: impressed
Current Music: Purple people eater/Put the lime in the coconut!

Friday, June 09, 2006


After five years of marriage, my little sister, when given a pen and something to write on...STILL doodles her husbands name. I love it. I smiled when I saw her do this. In my opinion, it is something to be noted.

Love is so rare...it is so precious. Especially when it's real and it is a pure love. My sister has something remarkable with her husband. First and foremost they are best friends. They have so much respect for eachother and that respect is shown on a daily basis. He has never raised his voice to her. I have seen him on more than one occasion get choked up at telling her goodbye when one or the other had to leave out of town. They hate to be seperated. She is constantly thinking of thoughtful things to do for him and she truly creates a haven for him to come home to everyday. They work together. They cry together. They laugh together.

I was just thinking of a time when they stayed at my house. I could hear them downstairs laughing their heads off. I soon heard my cell phone ring. I answered to find my brother in law calling from downstairs. In a fit of laughter...he asked if I could come down. When I arrived at their door...I found them in hysterics. Joe was barely able to spit out the words "Thank you for letting us stay here...now could you turn out the light for us?" And then ANOTHER fit of laughter. Come to find out..they were both too tired to get their butts out of bed and turn it off. They had been "fighting" in their non-angry way about why the other one should turn out the light. Joe had the bright idea of calling ME to resolve the problem. I told them they were nerds and then turned out their damn light! I shook my head and laughed as I walked back upstairs. They are fun. They enjoy eachother.
They are a beautiful example of what love is. Their example should be commended. It certainly is by me.

Monday, May 29, 2006


'The Psalm of DISCONTENT'

Let me be happy....Let me be happy too.
Oh Wrestless soul.
Fold thy quick limbs and rest from care awhile;
Watch the great clouds in fleecy volumes roll;
The lakelet and the Sunshine seems to Smile; _

Would to God my friends were here to share my thought,
Would I could find the rest I have long sought.

Would I could speak the language of the hills....
Would their plush velvet grace I could make known.

Could I translate the talking of the reels that come from
Their crowning dimples…wander down.

I would not sing, and yet I cannot cease. I cannot murmur..
I have no peace.


Wednesday, May 24, 2006

*Laetha Geal M'oige*

Laetha Geal M'óige

(poem I wrote)

OH the hope of youthful mind
Sweet, blissful, purest kind.

Paper white
Smells of love
The night is bright
I see three doves

Visions are whole
In all their scenes
They glow…and grow

Let the wind blow high and wide
Let waves bring in their wistful tides
Let the sky light up these things
Let me hold tight these beautiful dreams

Na Laetha Geal M’oige

Paper worn
Clenched in hands
Years go by
Time unfolds

Delusions of Grandeur
Visions of fools
Heart on a sleeve
Eyes covered in wool

The wind, the waves, the sky, the dreams
All of my beloved things

Oh how they vanish…

Left with thoughts
Empty hands
Fragments of a sacred plan

And yet…
I know…

The youthful mind
It was
It is

The most precious!
The most noble!
The most beautiful thing!

(I wrote this as I reflected on the dreams and visions we hope for when we are young)

Tuesday, May 16, 2006



My mom once told me that "compassion" was my gift and talent. I thought that idea was bull crap! I was young and must of been complaining about why I couldn't sing like Tammy Kelly (my best friend at the time) or have the looks of my neighbor Stacey! (Damn her for her long flowing brown hair!) My mom went on to tell me that I was "Always looking out for the underdog" and apparently *that* was a good thing. Gag. What little kid wants the "gift of compassion" ?? I probably didn't even know what looking out for the underdog meant.

Now that I'm older and hopefully a bit wiser, I do know what that means. I have also found out that "mothers are always right" heh heh ...well mostly:)Compassion is my gift. And I don't take it lightly. But it is not something I find reason to brag about nor is it something that I want to show off. Infact, it can be a curse. In order to explain that further...I must include my friend "Thesaurus"

Compassion: Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it.

And there you have it! In reading that definition, I found myself sighing. Why? Because its a painful gift. And my mind just flashed through all sorts of memories of why it's painful.

Two examples.

#1- I was in Mexico a few short months ago. I found myself wandering the streets with my best friend...trying to find a place to eat. In our walk I spotted a horse chained up to a small carriage. He looked visibly weak and fraile, and obviously thirsty and hungry. His skin and bone body worn down by the beating sun, and by the hands of his owner, who took on the look of a brash and heavy task master. I have never noticed to this capacity...the sorrow of an animal. I truly felt it in my heart. And my heart ached. I found my eyes filling with tears and my heart pounding with the injustice of his situation. But what could I do? I walked closer...spoke softly to him...and gave him a small pat. And then I had to walk away.

#2 I joined some friends at recent get together of sorts. I didn't know half the people there...and I wasn't in the mood to be social. They had a large table filled to the max with mexican food...and I was starving. As I had just started towards the food, I felt eyes peering into the back of my head. I slowly turned around to find a very tall sort of goofy looking person. It became obvious that he was the "odd ball" in the crowd. And I knew immediately what I needed to do. He needed a friend. And I chose to be that friend. I had the gut feeling that he had already made the rounds...probably being dismissed quickly by the turn of a shoulder. His awkward words and laugh (that came at all the wrong times) could make anyone uncomfortable. But I understood him. I knew what it felt like to be painfully shy, to be the new kid on the block, to be the "odd ball". I think everyone has walked that road at least once. And I think everyone knows that it's NOT fun. I remembered that feeling...and tried to help bring ease to that moment. The mexican food was gone by the time I had come back to it. But I didn't mind. I have often found...that by easing another persons burden...you ease your own.

Compassion is not always something big...infact, it usually is the small things. Taking time to SEE with different eyes. To hear what people are NOT saying. Stepping outside of your own world...and becoming aware of the suffering and needs of others. And then...rising to the occasion.

Would I trade compassion for a voice like Annie Lennox or long thick brown hair? hmmm. maybe! hahah No.....I wouldn't.

My mom was right...compassion is a gift. And like I said, I never take gifts lightly. :) My mom is the greatest example of a woman of compassion. She is a Mother Teresa in her own realm.. And I admire her for her quiet acts of love, sacrifice and service to the countless people who have crossed her path. She truly follows the Savior when he gave the counsel to "Succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees."

Happy Mothers day, mom! I love your guts! :)