Tuesday, May 26, 2009


Today has been a difficult day. I spent the night very ill and finally went to sleep at 7am. As I awoke, it was like I was transported back to the pain I felt during ECT. It will be 3 years ago this July. It was the most grueling and painful time in my life so far. I realized today how much healing has come to me since then. It has been so slow and almost invisible...and yet Heavenly Father HAS been healing me. Maybe I needed to be remided of how much He is/has been doing for me. Especially because I have been feeling ungrateful and ignored by Him.

I have tried to be brave all day and work through this pain of remembering, but finally the tears that started to roll turned into great sobs. I never want my blog to be depressing to others and yet...I MUST speak up and share some of these things. I HAVE to continue to find a voice for those who are going through this painful disease. One of my greatest sorrows is that I'm not at a point where I can truly help people yet. When you are not healed yourself...you can only offer what you have. I just hope sooo much that one day I really will be able to offer the love, compassion, and ANSWERS to help people endure, find a form of peace...and give them great and DEEP understanding about this. The reason I desire to do this is because it is very difficult for a person suffering depression to feel help from
God or others. Your mind is full of confusion and you only feel pain. It truly is only given to those of great strength, and by no means do I ever praise myself. But I could not have made it through such a trial had I not been given an inner strength that surpasses even my own understanding.

On Memorial Day I usually take at least one photo of a flower. Yesterday I didn't do anything but sit outside and read about Abraham Lincoln. The book is called "Lincoln's Melancholy" (How depression challenged a president and fueled his greatness) If you have never read the book, I recommend it. It is sooo inspiring. It has been highlighted, starred, marked and ready many times. Each time I am given the greatest love for this man. He suffered depression until his dieing day. But he fought the best fight, and look what he did for our country? Yesterday, I wanted to remember him and honor him. I hope in some small way, I did.

Last week I took this photo of a lone tulip. It stood out by itself with all it's own beauty and strength. This is how I feel aoout those who suffer from Depression. You may feel you stand alone, but you are rising to greatness! You are some of the most valient this world has EVER seen. You are beautiful and your day will come when the greatest of us all...will come to you, heal you and say the powerful words..."It is finished."

God bless all.