It's been awhile since I've written...I don't have a good excuse. I could say that I'm super busy or that my computer isn't working...but I guess you'd know I was lying. ;) I don't know how it's been four months since you left...feels like yesterday and it feels like years ago. Strange how that is. When I went to Moab last month I felt really healed...there is something about that place that seems to quiet all the screaming and pain in my mind. Sometimes its just the quietness of Arches itself. Being in the middle of nomans land with the sky full of stars so bright and shadows of red rocks...one of the closest places to heaven in my opinion. I came home feeling a little more comforted and for a few weeks you slipped quietly away as I dealt with other things. But as you know, grief loves a sucker punch! I've had so many this last week that I literally have been bent over both pleading and shaking my hand at God. Some say you can't do that...I beg to differ. God is my best friend. I love the classic line in "Some kind of wonderful"...it goes something like this,
Keith: They always say you hurt the ones you love.
Watts: Then why aren't you beating the sh*t out of Amanda Jones?
ha! So true. So sooo true. Sometimes I love God to the fullest that is in me. And I will have a true understanding of the great worth and purpose of suffering. I also feel his love for me to a great capacity in allowing me to go through such deep trials. But then...sometimes...I just feel like he hates me. :( Stupid I know...but it's just the way my mind works and obviously (to me) because of all that has happened in my life. Pain conjurs up feelings that take huge stabs at your faith and your heart. It also attempts to take away the pure understanding that God is love and his love is the one constant in the universe. Sometimes he just feels like the enemy and not the Savior. Some say that one day all things will make sense...I don't think I buy that. I think someday we will just accept that a lot of things just happened and we could have learned from it or not. I'm sick of learning heavens lessons...I need a break. (Please?!! :) Nate, I bet you love that your knowledge has increased ten thousand fold...er more. ;) Lucky!
So yeah, this is short...not much to say. When I'm hurting the most, I turn into a mute. I miss you and love you. I hope your getting the royal healing treatment....I have no doubt you are, my dear friend. *wink*
Ps. on our way to Moab I was in the back seat and my friends were playing music. This song came on and within minutes the tears rolled down my cheeks. I stared out the window and then looked up to see my friend look in the mirror back at me and give me that knowing and understaning smile. When the song was done, she said, "I had no idea how much that fit you and Nate's relationship." I smiled and nodded my head. I can't explain why to anyone...it just does fit. I think out of all the songs I've heard...this one is kind of our song. It just say's what words can't ever say. Even the obnoxious part in the middle....it has it's purpose and place.