Friday, November 10, 2006


This photo was taken on July 11th 2006. I had not slept at all that night and could feel my body literally shutting down. I knew there was a good chance I would not live much longer. This is me seeing the first sunrise since I was a young girl. I was admitted into the hospital a couple weeks later and my life was spared. I did something called ECT. Electric shock therapy. (It is not for everyone) It saved my life. It did not heal me, but I am doing much better and have greater hope again).


Depression has been my constant companion my whole life. It came upon me as a young girl and has ruled and reigned over me since that time. I have fought like a lion to survive it and overcome it. But it is like tar. It is unspeakable and there is no real understanding of it in this world. It has been hard for me to talk about, because there is such quick judgement. In a matter of moments you are seen in a whole new light. Not a good light. I don't blame the reactions of others. They are mostly ingnorant. They try to understand. But unless you have walked with this "Noonday Demon" can't know the depths of it. Your mind and body are held captive and you are controlled. There are many resources that can assist in helping this. Medication & therapy help alot of people. But so many find that no matter what they try it still hangs over them. The mind is oppressed and they can find no solace.

For those who wonder about depression and want to understand it more. It's first helpful to know what these people go through. Here are just a few things; Nagging fatigue, Anxiety, Sadness, Despair, Confusion, No appetite or desire to eat, Insomnia or not being to wake up..(usually it's both at different times), Nightmares or disturbing dreams, no phisical strength, guilt (for no reason at all), easily overwhelmed (noise has always been terribly disturbing to me), headaches or migraines, and a hand full of other things. A huge reminder is that this is NOT mind over matter. I don't believe that at all! There are many who will disagree with me. That is fine. But walking this road for more than 15 years...I know alot about it. If it was mind over matter, I would have been healed years ago. Of course we can learn to master our negativity and always do better at controling our thoughts. But this illness is like a form of Cancer. You do not get to pick and choose when it will go into remission. When you wake up, you are at war. And you fight to survive. This is not a "Whoa is me" blog, but rather an expression of what those who suffer this REALLY go through. I weep for those who endure these things...for I know they feel they must mourn out their days like a dark and dreary nightmare. I want them to know that they are not alone...even though they feel like it. I want them to know that there IS hope. Many things are coming out that will assit in healing depression. And most of all, "God keeps company with those who are oppressed" It is harder to feel him or hear him in this state of mind. But he NEVER leaves you. I have only lived this long because he has sustained me. I have prayed hundreds of hours for relief and deliverance. The first was rarely given to me, and the second has never come. But I believe that the day will come, even if it is not granted to me or them in this life.

I believe that what a person will gain from this trial is more than tounge can tell. A compassion and understand for others, wisdom and a love that in is boundless.

Here are some powerful words I have found from the scriptures. The first is from Psalms 30 12&13;

"For their soul shall be as a watered garden; and they shall not sorrow anymore at all. For I will turn their mourning into joy, and will comfort them, and make them to rejoice from their sorrow."

Also I love these words from Revelation 21: 4&5

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be anymore pain; for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold I make ALL things NEW".

For those who wonder what they can do to help, I suggest loving them, praying for them, assisting them in anyway you know how, offering friendship and your shoulder to help bare them up. Please don't judge them or ask them to "Snap out of it". Stand by them.

Remind them and remember that they are heros for enduring such things.