Monday, November 27, 2006


"Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the mask I wear. For I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled, I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in commandand that I need no one, but don't believe me. My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask, ever-varying and ever-concealing. Beneath lies no complacence. Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope, and I know it. It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers I so painstakingly build. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself, that I'm worth something. But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me. I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothingand that you will see this and reject me. So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance withoutand a trembling child within. So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front. I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me. So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can't say. I don't like hiding. I don't like playing superficial phony games. I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me but you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand even when that's the last thing I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings--very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings! With your power, you can breathe life into me. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask, you alone can release me from my shadow-world. Do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back. It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man often I am irrational. I fight against the very thing I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls and in this lies my hope. Please try to beat down those wallswith firm hands but with gentle hands for a child is very sensitive. Who am I, you may wonder? For I am every man, every woman, every child you meet."

~Charles C. Finn

Tuesday, November 21, 2006


I recently sent out an email to family and friends, in my efforts to educate more people about depression. I really didn't expect replys...but I got a few. There were many kind comments of support and love offered. I appreciated that so much. But....there was also something else. I'm not really sure how to explain it. There was a handful of people who's words and tone came across as very patronizing. I found myself sitting back in my chair puzzled. Kind of shaking my head. I had flashes of these people...because many of them had also struggled through depression and anxieties....deep struggles of the mind and heart. I had watched them and walked with them. I also watched them be released from these things. The pain and anguish slipping away and becoming invisible before their eyes. What a blessing. But they were living a new kind of life, and they had forgotten. How quick to forget the road they walked.

I wonder about this. I try and think of how many times I have done this. When someone is hurting, do I give them a pat on the back and "wish them luck"?? Do I not take the time to think about them and THINK about what they are really going through? Do I just "Talk the talk" and not "Walk the walk"? And even more important, do they SEE and KNOW that I am not taking their pain lightly.
A few weeks ago, I was having dinner with a friend of mine. We were talking and I found myself sharing a very painful experience that I went through. As I shared this personal moment of my life...I saw his eyes fill with tears as he quietly listened. I paused and an unspeakable gratitude filled my heart. I looked at him and beheld a person who cared enough to not just listen...but to feel what I had gone through. He could never know what that meant to me. Even now it makes me cry. Even now.
I keep thinking about the Savior. Reflecting on his agony and sacrifice. We don't understand the depths of that. Perhaps in this life, we never will. This, more than anything must never be forgotten. HE must never be forgotten.
I like these words; "Take heed to thyself, and keep thy soul diligently, lest thou forget the things which thine eyes have seen, and lest they depart from thy heart all the days of thy life". (Deut 4:9)
We must not forget. Ever. We can and should all strive with greater steps and determined never ascend out of our own darkness and the darkness of others...FORGETFUL.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

*10,000 MILES*

(Here is a link to the song that you can listen to. It is not my photography...but whoever put it together did a beatufiul job.)

*10,000 Miles*

"Fare thee well
My own true love
Farewell for a while
I’m going away
But I’ll be back
Though I go 10,000 miles

10,000 miles
My own true love
10,000 miles or more
The rocks may melt
And the seas may burn
If I should not return

Oh don’t you see
That lonesome dove
Sitting on an ivy tree
She’s weeping for
Her own true love
As I shall weep for mine

Oh come ye back
My own true love
And stay a while with me
If I had a friend
All on this earth
You’ve been a friend to me"



*Wynken, Blynken, and Nod"

(This is a poem that I have loved all my life. My mother read it to us when we were little and I have loved it since".

"Wynken, Blynken, and Nod one night
Sailed off in a wooden shoe---
Sailed on a river of crystal light,
Into a sea of dew.
"Where are you going, and what do you wish?"
The old moon asked the three.
"We have come to fish for the herring fish
That live in this beautiful sea;
Nets of silver and gold have we!"
Said Wynken,
And Nod.
The old moon laughed and sang a song,
As they rocked in the wooden shoe,
And the wind that sped them all night long
Ruffled the waves of dew.
The little stars were the herring fish
That lived in that beautiful sea---
"Now cast your nets wherever you wish---
Never afeard are we";
So cried the stars to the fishermen three:
And Nod.
All night long their nets they threw
To the stars in the twinkling foam---
Then down from the skies came the wooden shoe,
Bringing the fishermen home;
'T was all so pretty a sail it seemed
As if it could not be,
And some folks thought 't was a dream they 'd dreamed
Of sailing that beautiful sea---
But I shall name you the fishermen three:
And Nod.
Wynken and Blynken are two little eyes,
And Nod is a little head,
And the wooden shoe that sailed the skies
Is a wee one's trundle-bed.
So shut your eyes while mother sings
Of wonderful sights that be,
And you shall see the beautiful things
As you rock in the misty sea,
Where the old shoe rocked the fishermen three:
And Nod."

~By Eugene Field


I found these words about a year ago, by a man from England named Brian Thompson. They seemed to be just for me at that dark and painful hour.

"If this life were all that mattered, if its hopes and fears were all,
How could you squeeze one life into a place so cramped and small?
And if this life were everything, what would we ever do,
with the soul’s own quiet longing, for the land it never knew?

But there is another country and there is another land
There’s a promise waits fulfillment, and there is an outstretched hand.
And a journey to be taken and a destination found,
And my travels won’t be over, till I stand on holy ground.

Because nothing here is like it and nothing else will do
It’s the land of my possessing and the home I was born to.
In my sleep and in my waking, I can hear the call so strong.
And I understand the music, though I have not learnt the song.

There’s a crown and there’s a country, there’s a king and there’s a throne,
There’s a people with a longing and a language all their own.
They are born of tribulation they are born of fire and flood.
They are born of Christ’s own Spirit, they are born of Christ’s own blood.

They are standing in the presence of a God who knows their name
And they shine like stars for beauty and they burn like purest flame:
For they held their lives much cheaper than the Name they held most dear;
And the one they lived and died for, is the one who called them here.

And their praise flows like a river and their worship like the sea,
It’s the sound of many waters, it’s the shout of victory.
They’re the called and they’re the chosen, they’re the ransomed from the fall,
And the witness of the weakest, is the wonder of them all.

They’re his loved and they’re his longed-for, they’re his joy and his delight.
For each one of these he travailed, they are his and his by right
They are near him, and they know him, and now nothing lies between;
For they see no longer darkly, but they see as they are seen.

Every name and every nation, every tribe and every tongue
Gathered here to join the chorus of the song that must be sung,
And the music soars yet higher, like an eagle on the wing
On the day of coronation, of the Christ already King.

Then the books will all be opened and the Book of Life will show,
Those who know the God they’ve come to, those who only claimed to know.
Every sleeping conscience woken, every hidden thing made known,
Every secret refuge shattered, every fond illusion flown.

Every argument grown silent, every last lie swept away,
It’s the final close of business, and the dawn of Judgment Day.
And the tears of godly sorrow and the tears of angry pain,
Will be joined for one brief moment and will never meet again.

For this is no flight of fancy and this is no distant dream.
You are closer than you know and you are nearer than you seem.
There’s a destiny here waiting and a journey to be done;
For the pilgrim and the stranger, for the daughter and the son.

At the last, the waiting over, every perfect thing in place,
No more needing, only knowing, no more growing, only grace.
And the bride in borrowed beauty, shines like crystal in the sun
And the Bridegroom, with delight, declares the wedding feast begun!"

By Brian Thompson from England

Friday, November 10, 2006


Human suffering comes to all mankind. Most people will pass through a form of it at one time or another. Others might feel that they have had more then their share of it. And then there are those who are as familiar with it as they are with the back of their hand. We might call them such things as; The depressed, acquainted with grief or as was said of Job of old, "hated ones".

They find that no matter how hard they try....the bondage of sorrow is always clapping at their heals. Day in and day out…Their opposition consistent and steady as the rising son. The words of Joseph Smith ring true to them when he said "Deep water is what I am wont to swim in" The depths of which…only God himself knows. Those depths can be grueling, taxing, mocking, and like the heavy as a dead weight upon their shoulders. It is the wrenching of their very heart strings... in both body and mind.

If you look back throughout find a startling amount of those whom you might consider "The great ones" who have walked such painful, thorn filled, roads. Take for instance, a few of these famous names....Abraham Lincoln, Aristotle, Martin Luther King, C.S. Lewis, Joseph Smith .......and many many more. We could go back even further in time and find The mighty Job of old, Jeremiah, Rebecca, Abraham and Sarah, Joseph of Egypt, and most importantly Jesus Christ, who was so acutely acquainted with grief that he was known as a "man of sorrows" and a man who's suffering caused him to "Bleed from every pore".

There is an old saying that a man can't kneel and shake his fist at the sky at the same time. I beg to differ. At quite a young age, I made Heavenly Father (God) my best friend. I had no one else. At least no one who understood me. And something inside me told me that HE did. From that time forth....I told him EVERYTHING. I told him how I hated my parents relationship, how I always felt that I loved others more than they loved me. I told him of the boys I loved, the friends I hoped for, and thanked him often for how beautifully he had created this world. I talked of weeping willow trees, butterflies, my mother's compassion, the greatness of a friendship...and the love I had for my nieces and nephews. I also spoke to him of my own sorrows, anxieties, fears and everything that accompanies I own personal cross that I have had to bare. I have certainly shaken my fist at the sky, I have cursed him and yelled at him...and hated him. And the deepest part of my heart, I know he's still listening. That he is not a God with a whip! He is not angry or mad at me. But instead is like the best father you could ever hope for. That he is patient, kind, and more understanding than you could ever imagine.

There are a lot of us, especially me, who ask on a daily basis, "Why LORD? Why me!?" Or perhaps ones lament might be… "Why does my sister have to suffer? Why have I lost the love of my life? Why have I lost my friend to the grave? Why do the innocent suffer? We go through the whys, and despite the opinion of some of the greatest men and women…I find my own heart saying that is OKAY to do so. Because when you most likely will find. And there are answers to be found! A God, who proclaimed to all people…that he is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, will surely speak to us from his heaven, as he always has. There are times when we must accept that not all things can be answered in this life. Not all relationships can be mended. And not all of the "Whys" can be answered. And when I find this happening in my own life, I reflect on the words of a man named "Nephi" from the book of Mormon who stated "I know not the meaning of all things, nevertheless...I know that God loves his children."

And sometimes the whys do get answered. Joseph Smith was given wise words from the Lord, during a time of great sorrow.

D&C 122: 7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit•, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep•; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience•, and shall be for thy good.

Experience. That is the key word. Experience changes makes us hard or soft. An old seaman who has become withered from the sun and storms of most likely to offer the most compassion to an aspiring sailor.


This photo was taken on July 11th 2006. I had not slept at all that night and could feel my body literally shutting down. I knew there was a good chance I would not live much longer. This is me seeing the first sunrise since I was a young girl. I was admitted into the hospital a couple weeks later and my life was spared. I did something called ECT. Electric shock therapy. (It is not for everyone) It saved my life. It did not heal me, but I am doing much better and have greater hope again).


Depression has been my constant companion my whole life. It came upon me as a young girl and has ruled and reigned over me since that time. I have fought like a lion to survive it and overcome it. But it is like tar. It is unspeakable and there is no real understanding of it in this world. It has been hard for me to talk about, because there is such quick judgement. In a matter of moments you are seen in a whole new light. Not a good light. I don't blame the reactions of others. They are mostly ingnorant. They try to understand. But unless you have walked with this "Noonday Demon" can't know the depths of it. Your mind and body are held captive and you are controlled. There are many resources that can assist in helping this. Medication & therapy help alot of people. But so many find that no matter what they try it still hangs over them. The mind is oppressed and they can find no solace.

For those who wonder about depression and want to understand it more. It's first helpful to know what these people go through. Here are just a few things; Nagging fatigue, Anxiety, Sadness, Despair, Confusion, No appetite or desire to eat, Insomnia or not being to wake up..(usually it's both at different times), Nightmares or disturbing dreams, no phisical strength, guilt (for no reason at all), easily overwhelmed (noise has always been terribly disturbing to me), headaches or migraines, and a hand full of other things. A huge reminder is that this is NOT mind over matter. I don't believe that at all! There are many who will disagree with me. That is fine. But walking this road for more than 15 years...I know alot about it. If it was mind over matter, I would have been healed years ago. Of course we can learn to master our negativity and always do better at controling our thoughts. But this illness is like a form of Cancer. You do not get to pick and choose when it will go into remission. When you wake up, you are at war. And you fight to survive. This is not a "Whoa is me" blog, but rather an expression of what those who suffer this REALLY go through. I weep for those who endure these things...for I know they feel they must mourn out their days like a dark and dreary nightmare. I want them to know that they are not alone...even though they feel like it. I want them to know that there IS hope. Many things are coming out that will assit in healing depression. And most of all, "God keeps company with those who are oppressed" It is harder to feel him or hear him in this state of mind. But he NEVER leaves you. I have only lived this long because he has sustained me. I have prayed hundreds of hours for relief and deliverance. The first was rarely given to me, and the second has never come. But I believe that the day will come, even if it is not granted to me or them in this life.

I believe that what a person will gain from this trial is more than tounge can tell. A compassion and understand for others, wisdom and a love that in is boundless.

Here are some powerful words I have found from the scriptures. The first is from Psalms 30 12&13;

"For their soul shall be as a watered garden; and they shall not sorrow anymore at all. For I will turn their mourning into joy, and will comfort them, and make them to rejoice from their sorrow."

Also I love these words from Revelation 21: 4&5

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be anymore pain; for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold I make ALL things NEW".

For those who wonder what they can do to help, I suggest loving them, praying for them, assisting them in anyway you know how, offering friendship and your shoulder to help bare them up. Please don't judge them or ask them to "Snap out of it". Stand by them.

Remind them and remember that they are heros for enduring such things.


There are so many beautiful hearts in this world. Each filled with their own magic. The magic that comes from their personal experiences, their perceptions, their dreams and visions, their personal beauty. Nobody else gets to be you. Nobody else has your exact thoughts or your insights. But so many are afraid to share their hearts. They are afraid of what others might think. I realize that there are many things that are sacred and should be kept to ourselves. But I also have seen how other peoples hearts have affected mine. When they open their mouths in writing or speaking out...I am changed. Sometimes they plant seeds..sometimes they open my minds...sometimes they comfort me...sometimes they heal me....and sometimes they even move mountains that I am not able to climb on my own. We can carry eachother in this way. And so many of us need to be carried at various moments. I hid myself for so long. I hid my heart. The only one who knew my thoughts was God and my journals. And then one day I decided to give what was in me...away. That maybe my view of the world might help another. If more of us chose to do this, the world would radiate sunshine and conquer the darkness that surrounds us. I believe this with all my heart.


I watched "Instinct" tonight. I forgot how much I loved that movie. I cried like a baby. That movie says more than I could ever express in words...more than this world has the capability of saying. It speaks volumes about everything I want to be...everything that I want to learn. Compassion, kindness, forgivness, tolerance, hope, friendship, courage, understanding, empathy, and being brave. In a world of darkness & despair..everyone has power to protect the innocent and to love in a way that does not come from what society has taught. Love in it's purest form is the only thing that can defy the darkness. Sometimes you have to dig deep. You have to go to places you don't want to go. You have to open your mouth when you would rather be silent. And you have to walk forward when you would rather flee. I'm glad I saw the movie again. I am grateful for the reminder.


So I was thinking about President Bush tonight and thinking how he has been judged so harshly. Now, I'm not big into politics...but I have a great love and respect for him. I always follow my heart with people and my heart always said that he was a good man. A God fearing man, who loves his family, and has done his best. The man has weaknesses, but my question is, WHO DOESN'T??? He has struggled in expressing things at times, he gets jumbled over words, or makes mistakes with grammar and such. Because of these things he is mocked on a daily basis. It's rediculous.

So the other week, I asked the Lord what his opinion was. And straight away Ether 12: 24-26 came to mind. It reads;

23 And I said unto him: Lord, the Gentiles will mock at these things, because of our weakness in writing; for Lord thou hast made us mighty in word by faith, but thou hast not made us mighty in writing; for thou hast made all this people that they could speak much, because of the Holy Ghost which thou hast given them;

24 And thou hast made us that we could write but little, because of the awkwardness of our hands. Behold, thou hast not made us mighty in writing like unto the brother of Jared, for thou madest him that the things which he wrote were mighty even as thou art, unto the overpowering of man to read them.
25 Thou hast also made our words powerful and great, even that we cannot write them; wherefore, when we write we behold our weakness, and stumble because of the placing of our words; and I fear lest the Gentiles shall mock at our words.
26 And when I had said this, the Lord spake unto me, saying: Fools mock, but they shall mourn; and my grace is sufficient for the meek, that they shall take no advantage of your weakness;

That is just like what President Bush has had to endure. Because he is not mighty in 'Speaking' he is mocked and called dumb, stupid, and unintelligent.

I'm grateful for the Lords reminder, that "FOOLS MOCK".