A place of peace and safety. A place where the temperature is just right and there is no fear. Just hope, healing, happiness, honesty, a small ocean of tears, and a good laugh once in awhile. ;)
This October was the best month I've had in years. I even found a lucky penny. I could say it brought me luck, but it actually brought me blessings.
October 2010
(Snow represents stored blessings, while rain represents blessings being given.)
"Went on a long walk today...went to cross the road and saw a lucky penny shining in the sun. I usually leave those for others but, as I looked at it closely you could tell that sucker had been run over a 1000 times. I thought to myself, "that penny has been waiting for me! I deserve it!" So I put it in my pocket, smiled, ...and kept walking. Then it started to rain. ha!
Ps. When my friend saw a picture of the penny, she said; "That really does look like it's been run over a million times!" :)
So, it's been over two weeks now that I've been home from my surgery. I guess I knew it would take some time to get on my feet again but it's still sore and I've been really weak. At least I don't have to roll and cringe when I get into bed anymore AND I've been able to sleep a bit more...which is rare. On the flip side...I still can't eat. I wake up nausitated (sorry people who are pregnant...not fun!) It last until about 2pm. I have to choke down something before then. I've lost some weight and my butt looks cuter in my jeans...so that's kool! (that's my positive thinking ;) Other than that, I really am grateful every day to still be here. I'm looking forward to a full recovery in more ways than one. I think my boats are docked. :)
I can't believe it's been 17 years this month that River Phoenix died. It's so sad! He was brilliant and I was bound and determined to marry him. ;) I knew he would love my brace face and Grand Finale big hair at age 13. He was my wallpaper...I wish I had a picture it was awesome. I wonder what the future could have held for him. :(
So, this will be quick because I'm not feeling so well. Just got out of the hospital 3 days ago after an emergency surgery. I woke up on the 16th in the worst pain. I felt like someone had shot me in the stomach. I paced my house for over an hour and once I couldn't got off my knees, I finally told my mom to get me to a hospital. After a CT scan it was obvious that my intestines were twisted. After a blessing and family prayer...I was on a hospital gurney on my way to surgery. I was scared to death but knew after what they had told me that really this was life threatening. To shorten the story, The procedure took four hours and had my family in a state deep concern, but I was blessed to have a successful outcome. It could have been so much worse. I will save most of the details, but they took about 8 inches of my intestines out and had to do a few other things. Then they stapled me back up. Yes, STAPLED me. I have a lovely S shape on my stomach that makes me feel like the sorting hat (Harry Potter) put me in the "Slythern House" and branded me with their mark. BOO! Now I'm stuck with a lovely scar. :( But I'm really not complaining, I'm alive. On the exact same day, my cousin died of a drug overdose, he was not as lucky as I. We are all broken hearted and continue to pray for peace and comfort over his family. Life throws so many curve balls...deals us cards we don't want. I sure didn't want this. It's an awful surgery, not mild. The first two days we couldn't find a medication to stop the pain. Not Morphine or anything. I felt like I would die in pain. By the end of the second day, they found something that helped, but NEVER really relieved it. My sweet mother stayed by my side the whole time. Even spending the nights with me. I was scared and in pain, I wondered how I would heal. But now that it's a week later, I'm doing much better. I'm able to get up and around (slowly but surely) I have to hold my stomach to take deep breaths, yawn, cough, stretch, or anything like those. Be GRATEFUL for those things. And I'm starting to eat more than popsicles, pudding, and cream of wheat. But I have zero appetite. I've lost at least ten pounds and hope to get more of a desire to eat back soon.
Anyhow, thats the condensed version and really the other details are neither here nor there. I'm thankful for so many people who prayed for me and sent such kind messages. Also, I had a great staff at the hospital who looked after me, and I'm grateful for that too.
I heard a U2 song from this guy on YouTube a couple years ago and I thought it was amazing how he orchestrates them in this unique instrumental style. This is his newest and I just heard it an hour ago. I think it's great. I've heard "With or without you" a million times and it never gets old...but this was a refreshing way to hear one of the greatest songs I've ever heard. Not only that, it made me feel something I haven't felt in years...I don't really know how to say what that feeling is...but I think I'll try before this feeling leaves me. This will not make sense to hardly anyone...so you can just sit back and listen to this kool ten minute song or read along and be okay with it not making sense.
Things come full circle
Where once you were humilated...you will be redeemed
God has heard EVERY prayer you have EVER made.
The sounding horn...is within ears reach...
Yes meant Yes and it was ALL real.
This is a powerful story...and it has an ending...and the ending is magnificent!
Suffering brings power...so much that ONE voice can reach the end of the earth...it can change
The year of the rising sun must be seen on every continent
The air is empty and beyond silent...because you have to dig down deeeep and find it in yourself again. You have to believe in those long drives...the walks...the ones you take alone and hear HIS voice. Every song, every verse, every revelation, every word accompanied by the spirit of the Lord. It is all the sound of victory! It is the sound of one of the most meaningful stories that will ever be told....or ever be known. Even if it's only for some ears to hear...and some eyes to see. It is real....it's is real....it IS real.
Love the song!
Love the video!
At first I thought...huh?...hmmm?..." And then all the sudden... crescendo!!!!!!! and then you just have a big smile on your face as you're dancin' & tappin' your toes while watching nerdy chunkers run, dance, and sing! BRAVO Temper Trap! Bravo!
I watched "Bright Star" last night. Not recommended unless you are a girl who likes weepy movies. Ben Whishaw is an amazing actor. Loved the movie...loved him. Great new actor.
"There is a holiness to the hearts affection you know nothing about!"
Ps. I also love that I have found a new poet to study. John Keats.
Sometimes you aren't still in love with someone...you're in love with the memory of them. You might think you are.... BUT sometimes its the love that you once had for them. It most likely wouldn't be the same if it came around again...because people change, our hearts change, our lives change. It's hard to come to an understanding of that and seperate your feelings from the past and the present. Some people can't. This lyric say's it best to me, "can you hear it? A cry to be free! Oh i'm forever under lock and key." They can't let go...they just can't free themselves no matter how hard they try. (some say that time heals all...I don't always believe that.)
This song is perfect for sort of understanding that. I've loved it since High School. I still don't know how to let go of some of the memories of a couple people I loved...their "ghosts." Maybe we aren't meant to. I loved this one boy a handful of years back and he has never left me. I wish he would...I'm in love with his memory and if he knocked on my door now, it wouldn't be the same...or would it? I guess I'll never know.
(This is obviously my interpretation. That's the beauty of music...you get to interpretate it the way you see it or feel it.)
Ps. This is a living "ghost"...not a heavenly one. ;) Or actually It could be someone on the other side of the veil...I guess it's how YOU look at. :)
I've never caught a picture of lightning before...for many reasons. But the other morning...the heavens were kind. No tripod and shaky hands...it still turned out pretty kool!
A few of my friends and I do a photo challenge each month. This month was "Things you carry, daily."
We carry alot of things on a daily basis as far as emotion. Some of it weighs us down...some of it makes us stronger. It depends on what we do with it.
I just got an return email from my brother, Randy. An email in which he starts out with the words, "Dearest sister" and preceeds to reply to a video I sent out and the impact it had on him. Before I go on, let me tell you who he is. He is not my brother by blood...but my brother nonetheless. He became a close and instant friend at age 16...when I met him on a trip to visit a friend in California. My family fell in love with him and he became our brother emotionally. He has always been someone who has made me feel like a queen. He has shown such deep love and respect for me as his sister and has helped me become the person I am today. I have always called him a modern day Moroni. He fights righteously for freedom and a peaceful world. Randy is a rare soul...his insight makes one wonder, "Who is this man?" and his writings and language are magnificent. He honors women and has always honored me. He is open about his weaknesses and his desire to do better, to work harder to bring his life closer and closer to the Saviors. Without him knowing, he has helped me to hold out faithful in waiting for a man with such calibre, valor, and kindness as he has. A man with a deep respect for who I am...a daughter of God. Having a friend like him for 20 years is a gift...he is a gift.
So back to the words, "Dearest sister"...those words brought much emotion to me today. Those two words had great power on my heart. All the things I have said above came to mind and I felt hope again that there are still good men in this world. That just maybe there is someone out there for me who will treat me like he has. It was also a reminder that I have been blessed much and am seen as someone "dear."
I love this photo. Rare is a person who doesn't have a flippant/snotty/prideful attitude on the different opinions of politics & religion. How SAD it becomes when one holds resentment or actually rids a friend because of a different outlook or perspective. Those who choose to respect are the wisest among us.
I have had my own moments of feistiness over said subjects and said things I regretted...but I work hard to respect the many views by those I know and love...and those I don't know. It can be a real challenge for highly opinionated people...but shows character when we love unconditionally.
I just saw a fawn outside my mothers house. It just stared at me and had something so gentle about it. It seemed to be so loving and you could feel it. It stayed for a moment and then slowly walked away. My mom was on the other side of the house and saw it too. I came in and decided to find out some symbolism on fawns. (I like other people's symbolism...or to find out where some of it really comes from.) I found this little Native American story and I loved it. A sweet but important lesson.
*FAWN*
"The Fawn represents gentleness, caring and kindness. Her gentleness is within The Great Spirit’s lodge and embodies His love for all. The Deer teaches people to find the gentleness of spirit that heals all wounds, to not try to change others, accept them as they are and that the only balance of power is compassion and love.
The Fawn heard The Great Spirit calling her. On the way to His lodge, she encountered a horrid demon who tried to keep all creatures from the lodge by making them think Spirit didn’t want to be bothered by them. This made him feel powerful.
When The Fawn met the demon, she was curious, not scared. The demon was ugly, breathed fire and made horrible sounds. The Fawn asked him to let her pass because she was on the way to see Spirit, her eyes filled with compassion. He was shocked by her fearlessness. Her love penetrated his hardened heart and his body shrank to the size of a walnut. Her gentleness and caring cleared the path for all of Spirit’s children to visit Him without the fear of demons blocking their way."
Ps. I did not take this photo but randomly found it and would love to give credit to whoever took it, if I knew who they were. The fawn didn't look like this...it was actually older and taller...but had the same meekness.
