*I UNDERSTAND*

"And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things." (1 Nephi 11:17)

The beautiful words of Nephi of old....they seem to bring a comfort to my soul in so many respects. I have found myself relying on those words in my young life...over and over. "I do not know the meaning of all things". I have longed to understand the sorrows and stumbling blocks that have been placed along my journeys path. I have spent countless hours pondering their meanings and how I might overcome. Wondering if perhaps they were my own fault. Did I not have enough faith? Was I not trying hard enough? Had I failed him in some way? I would do anything for my Heavenly Father. And anything to be released of the burden of an illness that is so misunderstood ...and judged so harshly in this life. It is lonely...so very very lonely.

"I know that he loveth his children" One of the greatest blessings I have ever been given, was to learn at a young age...that heavenly father knew me, and that he loved me. I have often had to remind myself of that....but deep in my heart I knew he did. That when everyone else failed me....he would not. That when I walked alone....he walked beside me. His arm around my shoulders to bare me up. But we don't see this with our natural eyes. The trials of this life often rob us of this knowledge...and cause us to feel we walk alone. We truly have to call upon a strength that is deep inside us to remind us that he has never left us, and he never will.

When I was 21 I went through a very painful experience. I went to a great teacher of mine, a man I truly trusted for advice and comfort. I found myself in his office weeping before him. I asked him "Why??? Why did this happen to me?" He listened patiently, his eyes never wavering from me. He was silent for a short time. I thought perhaps he didn't know how to answer me. But then some of the most profound words were spoken to me. He said, "Kim, there is a price to pay to be able to say, "I understand"...and YOU have paid the price. I had no idea how much those words would affect my future and how often I would need to remember them. There are no greater comforting words...then the words "I understand". Each time I have said them to a weary traveler...there is an instant sigh of relief. Each time someone has said them to ME, there is an instant sigh of relief. Our gratitude for that person is beyond words. We feel, that even for a moment, we may rest.

I get so tired of the fight. Trying to explain my circumstances. Trying to prove to others that I am not lazy, that I am not making up these things...these anxieties, and the depression that wrenches both my body and mind. That everyday I fight like a lion to just LIVE.

Wouldn't it be remarkable if we saw each persons life on the big screen? I think we would never see them the same again. No judgment would ever come from our lips and I think our hearts would love them in a way that each person so deserves to be loved.

The Savior has been my greatest example of one who must have felt the weariness of his own journey. knowing that so many would misunderstand him, and that he would have to feel all the feelings of sorrow, loneliness, misunderstanding, being misjudged and the great betrayl of those he loved and trusted most. Along with all the other mighty blessings of the atonement, He suffered it all...to be able to say, "I understand" .

I think I finally understand the real reasons WHY I need to suffer and feel alone. Truly, I do not know the meaning of all things, nevertheless...I know that God loves his children. He loves even ME.

*THE RAINBOW CORRECTION*

"Earlier this month, we had a spell of very odd weather in Salt Lake City. It would be sunny, and then it would rain, and then it would be sunny again, all in the course of a few hours. Traditionally in this part of the country, if it rains, it's gloomy all day. It's consistent and reliable, like a Swiss watch. (Not so much like a Swiss person, of course, as the Swiss are notoriously deceitful and untrustworthy.)
But one plus side of this unusual weather pattern is that when the clouds dissipate and the sun emerges following a spring rain, you can sometimes see rainbows. I've seen three rainbows in the past couple weeks; I don't think I'd seen one in a decade before that.
The downside, however, is that whenever I see a rainbow, I'm afraid my mom is dead.
Believe me, this makes perfect sense. In the late 1970s, the Mormon Church (of which I'm a member) produced film strips for young people telling stories of an inspirational and/or doctrinal nature. This was before VCRs, and film strips were cheaper to produce than actual movies. So you'd have this series of still photos run through a projector, with an accompanying cassette tape providing the soundtrack. Every time you'd hear a "BEEP" on the tape, you'd advance the film one frame further.
Everyone wanted to be in charge of the film projector, because it carried with it a sense of power. It was almost like directing the movie yourself, except the actors weren't moving, and there was a "BEEP" telling you when to do things. But still. The problem with letting ordinary kids run the projector was that ordinary kids can be as undependable and shifty as a Swiss person, and it was often unclear which frame the strip should be on when the tape was started anyway, and so the pictures being projected were often out of sync with the soundtrack. Perceptive children such as myself would know almost immediately that we were off-track, but we were powerless to act, as the projector had been entrusted to someone else. Eventually there would be an obvious misalignment -- the narrator would say, "Billy had fun sinning and carrying on in a shameful manner," but the picture projected would match what he was ABOUT to say, which was, "but soon he felt sorry and remorseful" -- and the projectionist would advance a frame or two and catch up. But in the meantime, the soundtrack not matching the images made it impossible to pay attention to the principles being taught, the same way you cannot listen to a sermon delivered by someone whose tie is crooked or whose hair looks funny. (I'm not the only one, right?)
When I was in charge of the projector, I ran a tight ship, let me tell you. I also was not afraid to put my own cinematographic touches on the experience. For example, there was a film called "Leon's Truck," in which a teenage boy saves money to buy a truck only to subsequently wreck it by drinking and driving. When the storyteller said that Leon was drunk, and the accompanying picture showed Leon in an inebriated state, I turned the focus knob on the projector so that Leon and his surroundings looked appropriately fuzzy. This earned a laugh, yes, but I think it also taught a valuable lesson about drinking and driving.
Anyway, probably the most famous film strip of that era was called "Families are Forever," more popularly known as "I'll Build You a Rainbow." The doctrine being taught was that families can continue to be together as a family unit in the afterlife, too, and that we therefore need not be so frightened of death. (Assuming we were righteous, of course. Naughty people should still be afraid.)
"Families are Forever" was a story told in music. The verses were spoken while an acoustic guitar and strings underscored them; then the storyteller would break into the chorus, which was sung. The story was about an 11-year-old boy named Jamey whose best friend in the whole world was his mom. She played football and went on bike rides with him and stuff, and all the other kids on the block said they wished their moms were like Jamey's mom. I'm only guessing here, but I wouldn't be surprised if some of them thought she was hot. I'm just sayin'.
Well, then, wouldn't you know it, she died. Jamey got called home from school early one day and when he arrived, there was an ambulance in the driveway. He went in to see his mom, and she was in bed, and she told him she was dying. The song doesn't tell us what she had, but apparently it came on suddenly. Food poisoning, maybe, or bubonic plague. Anyway, Jamey's all, "You just can't die, Mom! You just can't!" And she tells him not to worry, because families are forever, and she'll be in heaven waiting for him and watching over him, and he's like, "But how will I know that you're really in heaven?" And she thinks a minute, and then the singer bursts into the chorus:
"I'll build you a rainbow way up high above,Send down a sunbeam plumb full of love,Sprinkle down raindrops, teardrops of joy,I'll be happy as springtime watching over my boy."
And then she dies and they haul her away in the ambulance. Jamey and his dad are standing in the driveway and Dad starts crying and Jamey looks up and sure enough, right up there in the sky is one hell of a big rainbow, and Jamey goes, "Dad, Dad, it's all right: Families are forever!" And then the chorus returns, this time with backup singers:
"I'll build you a rainbow (I'll build you a rainbow) way up high above,Send down a sunbeam plumb full of love,Sprinkle down raindrops (sprinkle down raindrops), teardrops of joy,I'll be happy in heaven watching over my boy."
And that's when YOU CRY. No matter who you are, no matter how funny you think the phrase "plumb full of love" is, no matter what kind of a heartless jerk you are, when Jamey looks up and sees that rainbow and tells his dad families are forever, YOU WILL CRY.
Doctrinally, I'm not sure how sound the story is. Not the part about families being together in the afterlife, because I believe that, but the part where newly deceased mothers can barge into heaven and start flinging rainbows around willy-nilly. Don't you have to get approval for that sort of thing? Do people who have just arrived in heaven even know HOW to build rainbows? Besides, there must hundreds of mothers dying every day. They couldn't let them ALL build rainbows, or the skies would be a never-ending kaleidoscope -- but if the moms DON'T build rainbows, will their distraught families assume that means they didn't make it to heaven?
For that matter, what if Mom does go to hell? Could she send word of that development to her family, too, perhaps to warn them not to follow in her footsteps? "I'll build you a forest fire"? "I'll build you a devastating hurricane"? "I'll build you some puppies with deformities"?
I imagine Jamey's mom approaching the first person she sees in heaven and saying this:
"Hi, hey, listen, um, I just got here, and -- what? Oh, food poisoning ... yeah, out of nowhere, really, surprised us all -- anyway, so I just got here, and -- it's kind of embarrassing, really -- but I sorta promised my kid that I'd, um, build him a rainbow? You know, a rainbow? So he could, like, know that I'm here and everything? So ... who do I talk to about that? Is there, like, a department or whatever? Do I need a permit? Are there forms to fill out...?"
While we're on the subject of songs that are supposed to make you cry whose doctrine I find questionable, there's the recent sappy, crappy country hit "Christmas Shoes" (not to be confused with "Live Like You Were Dyin'," "Already There," or any of the other sappy, crappy country hits that are produced at the rate of one song per week). It's about a guy standing in line in a store at Christmastime, and this filthy urchin in front of him is buying a pair of women's shoes, which he declares to be for his mother:
"Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, pleaseIt's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her sizeCould you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much timeYou see she's been sick for quite a whileAnd I know these shoes would make her smileAnd I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight"
Because, what, Jesus can't abide a barefoot woman? Or a woman who has shoes on that aren't beautiful? And who says Mama will be wearing shoes when she gets to heaven anyway? I believe the old saying is, "You can't take it with you." Does that not apply to shoes? Is there supposed to be an asterisk next to it?
You can't take it with you.**(except shoes)
Anyway, the kid in the song winds up getting the singer to buy him the shoes, because of course he's too poor to pay for them himself. I picture him thanking the man profusely, then hurrying out the door with the shoes to his mother, who's waiting in the car, smoking a cigarette:
"What took you so long? Here, let's see 'em ... What, these are the best you could find?! Pumps! I told you pumps! These are heels! I can't wear these, they make my feet hurt, you stupid brat! You better get it right at the next store. And would it kill you to cry a little? See if you can get someone to give you some cash, too. Mama can't buy lottery tickets with shoes."
And my question is, does this make me a bad person?
Comments & Reaction:
This column follows a circuitous route to its eventual point, and then turns out not to have one anyway. Long-time "Snide Remarks" fans will recognize this sloppy pattern as being the norm for those beloved old Daily Universe-era columns (1997-1999), and I confess a certain fondness for it, too, even though disorganization and random tangents technically make me a bad writer, not a good one.
I had a cassette tape of the "I'll Build You a Rainbow" song for years, but I can't seem to locate it now. Is it on CD anywhere? If someone has it, send it to me, and I'll put it on the site so that people unfamiliar with it can hear it. It really must be heard.
I do have the sheet music for it, though. So if I ever need to perform it in a show, I'm ready.
At a Christmas party last year, the host and hostess performed "Christmas Shoes" with the express purpose of mocking it. They even made a cue card with the lyrics so that we could join in on the chorus. It was the high point of my holiday season.
I was putting the finishing touches on this column in the presence of my Fat Brother Jeff, who read some of it over my shoulder and insisted I include a reference to rainbow-building "permits." We also had a discussion of an asterisk next to "You can't take it with you," so that's where that came from.
An unfortunate coincidence to my baseless attack on Swiss people is that I happen to know a Swiss person, and she's married to my grandfather, and she's perfectly upstanding. But the expression is "as reliable as a Swiss watch," so I had to go with it. No harm intended (not that Grandma II has Internet access anyway).
(Also, do you like how I said "of course" about Swiss people being dishonest, like everyone knows that? That's awesome.) "
Eric D. Snider. (Written in 2005 by Eric D snider)

*GET A TAN!*

At the risk of encouraging skin cancer, I offer some profound advice to all my friends. (Mostly the girls)

Many days we wake up and we feel like hell. Our hair looks like crap, the color just seems wrong, it's too short...or too long. Our body feels out of shape and "ugly"....we feel fat...or perhaps for some "Not curvy enough"...we go through these self doubt rampages and basically say, "I SUCK!"...and our self-esteem is in the toilet.

This is damaging and it is wrong! There are many self help books that can help you see the beauty of who you are and help you love yourself. They tell you many helpful ways to overcome these feelings.

For me, those books don't do JACK! I have had to search deep inside myself and find my own solution. The answer came to me on a cold winters night. GO TANNING!!! Some of you already feel embarrassed at the very thought. You wouldn't be caught dead going tanning. Laying in one of those hot ultraviolet beds, wearing the nerdy goggles, listening to a stereo that has terrible sound, and sucking on a cheap piece of candy. BUT....at the end of a few of these sessions, you begin to develop some color! And your world feels lighter! Maybe my hair color isn't so bad, maybe my body isn't so bad!? You begin to walk proudly once again and wake up with a smile on your face.

For those who get claustrophobic, or truly fear skin cancer....I offer another option. "SPRAY ON TAN". I love this one. You step into a sort of box/closet (lack of better words) and your in the "BUCK". And you close your eyes....and then it begins. A chilling spray goes up and down you about 5 times. You turn around and it repeats. You step out, wipe yourself off and walllllah! You are a brown betty. It is like a miracle!

My expert advice recommends that you give it a shot! Take a jaunt down to your local tanning salon, ignore the 18 year old snotty girls who work there and they say "Last name!??" with their overly tanned faces. THEN... just do it! JUST DO IT! EVERYONE IS DOING IT! WHY???....because it is the secret weapon to wiping away your blues!

Words of advice: #1 Start out slow...getting burned is not fun. #2 Take a shower when you come home, or no one will want to be around you. You won't smell like flowers. #3 Pretend

your in Hawaii, sipping a Pina Colada...and that makes it even better!

I hope you enjoy this information and it changes your life. I know it changed mine!

ps. If you live in a warm state, IGNORE this message and just go outside!!!

*SWEET AFTON*

"Flow gently, sweet Afton, among thy green braesFlow gently, I'll sing thee a song in thy praiseMy Mary's asleep by thy murmuring streamFlow gently, sweet Afton, disturb not her dream

Thou stock dove whose echo resounds thro' the glenYe wild whistly blackbirds in yon thorny denThou green crested lapwing, thy screaming forbearI charge you, disturb not my slumbering fair

Oh, how lofty, sweet Afton, thy neighboring hills Far mark'd with the courses of clear winding rills There daily I wander as noon rises high, oooh My flocks and my Mary's sweet cot in my eye

How pleasant thy banks and green valleys below Where, wild in the woodlands, the primroses blow There oft, as mild evening sweeps over the lea The sweet-scented birk shades my Mary and me

Thy crystal stream, Afton, how lovely it glides And winds by the cot where my Mary resides How wanton thy waters her snowy feet lave As, gathering sweet flowerets, she stems thy clear wave

Flow gently, sweet Afton, among thy green braes Flow gently, sweet river, the theme of my lays My Mary's asleep by thy murmuring stream So flow gently, sweet Afton, disturb not her dreams.)

-Robert Burns

(Photo is the path Robert Burns walked by the Afton River)

*CONCERTS*

I thought it would be fun to try and compile all the concerts I've been to. I'm not sure I can remember...but I'll give it a shot.

BARRY MANILO- (AGE 10..I'M NOT JOKING! HAHHA)

RICK SPRINGFIELD- (5 OR 6TH GRADE)

MICHAEL JACKSON- (5TH GRADE...SWEEET! :)

THE BEE GEES- (ELEMENTARY SOMETIME)

CHICAGO-(JR. HIGH)

DOUG STONE- (HIGH SCHOOL)

JOURNEY/REO SPEEDWAGON- (HIGH SCHOOL HA!)

CROSBY STILLS AND NASH- ( HIGH SCHOOL)

JOHN DENVER-(HIGH SCHOOL)

NEIL YOUNG-(HIGH SCHOOL)

DAN FOLGELBERG-(HIGH SCHOOL)

STING-(HIGH SCHOOL)

R.E.M.-(HIGH SCHOOL)


THE SAMPLES-(HIGH SCHOOL)

PETER BREINHOLT-(HIGH SCHOOL)

TOAD THE WET SPROCKET-(HIGH SCHOOL)

FOREIGNER- (HIGH SCHOOL)

JAMES TAYLOR-(HIGH SCHOOL)

TOM PETTY-(HIGH SCHOOL)

U2 (HIGH SCHOOL)

CRASH TEST DUMMIES (AGE 19)

COUNTING CROWS (EARLY 20'S)

TRACY CHAPMAN-(EARLY 20'S)

CHRIS ISAAK-(EARLY 20'S)

BARENAKED LADIES-(LATE 20'S)

NICKEL CREEK-(LATE 20'S)

U2 (ABOUT 5 SHOWS)-(LATE 20'S)

PETE YORN (LATE 2O'S)

BLUE MERLE-(LATE 20'S)

GLEN PHILLIPS-(LATE 20'S)

JOHN MAYER/TEITUR-(LATE 20'S)

TOAD THE WET SPROCKET-(30'S)

GLEN PHILLIPS-(30'S)

BEN KWELLER-(30'S)

U2-(30'S)

DEPECHE MODE-(30'S)

DEF LEPPARD/JOURNEY-(30'S)

PET SHOP BOYS-(30'S)

PETE YORN- (30'S)

(OKAY, THERE IS TONS MORE...I NEED TO ASK MY BEST FRIEND, SINCE I ONLY HAVE HALF A BRAIN RIGHT NOW)

(This list excludes all the dozens of unknown bands I went to)

*HOMESICK*

Sometimes I feel this emptiness, this hole in the heart kind of feeling. It has nothing to do with rain or storm, a broken heart, loneliness, unfulfilled wishes or dreams, or just a bad day. It's just deeper than those things....something that took me awhile to put my finger on. But then in a moment of clarity, I knew. I was homesick. That moment of clarity came when I was lying on my back, in my comfortable bed, with my cloud colored sheets, in my warm house, staring up at my favorite glow in the dark moon. I WAS home. But not really. I was missing another home... my real home. My heavenly home. Actually I think this understanding has come at several different times in my life, and I knew what it was, but I had forgotten.

I'm grateful, that as a Latter day saint, I have a knowledge of a pre-earth life. An understanding that I lived with Heavenly parents and the Savior, and I walked in their sight. I was taught under their watchful eyes, and loved by them in a way that can't truly be understood in this life. It was a place of great peace. A place I loved more than anything, and oh how I miss it.

I like these lyrics, "I should just kick my heels together and go home, but I'm not sure where that is anymore." I think a lot of people feel that way. Not because they are moving around from place to place, or they are away from the home they grew up in...or perhaps nothing has ever felt like home to them. But like me, they feel something deeper. They are homesick for their REAL home. (they just don't know it)

Today is just one of those days for me. I miss it. I would love to "kick my heels together and go home".

Just for a visit. :)

*FREE HUGS*

The day before Thanksgiving, my mother went to pick up several dozen rolls that she had pre-ordered. She had a handfull to carry out to her car and was assited by one of the workers, a young lady. My mom soon realized that she would need to move around some bags she had in the trunk. It took her a minute and she glanced over and told the girl that she could just set them down. My mom soon noticed a far away look in this girls eyes. My mother stopped what she was doing and held her arms out. Without hesitation, this sweet girl walked into my mothers arms and my mom embraced her. The girl quietly cried in her arms. My mom said to her, "You must be so worn down". The girl nodded and explained that she was indeed overwhelmed and tired. After hugging her for several minutes, this girl said "Thank you" and began to walk back into her work. But she soon turned around and said to my mother, "I will never forget you".
I loved hearing of this experience. I loved my mother for being intune with the spirit and offering the love and compassion of the Savior. This happens to be my mothers gift. She doesn't just have four kids, she has hundreds.

The simplicity of a hug. The depths of a hug. I know forsure that we all need them. I also know that it's not always easy to give them. Perhaps we have fear...or maybe we are just to busy thinking of other things.

My friend, Val, sent me this video yesterday. I was touched to say the least. *Big Tears* (not shocking ;) What a good man. What a pure heart. What courage. I wouldn't doubt that he touched many lives. And I would bet that he lifted a burden, brightened a day, and maybe even changed a life. "The door of history turns on small hinges".
Enjoy watching this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4

(This photo is of my best friend Dave giving his father a hug :)

*LUCKY MONEY*

You know those times when you happen to reach inside your pant pocket...or a jacket pocket...and you find a dollar bill? And your like "Saaweeeeet!!". And if it happens to be a bit bigger bill your even more happy.Well...today I heard my cat playing with something on the floor. He always plays with something. Usually one of his toys, fake mouse, or something else. I don't usually notice. But today I noticed the sound was a little different. I looked down to see he was swapping around a folded hundred dollar bill! I grabbed it from under his paw and thought...Ahhh yeah! Today is my lucky day! Who randomly finds a hundred dollar bill?!! But of course my concience always gets the best of me and I wonder where it came from and if someone was missing it. And with that moment of integrity and honesty...I tossed it in my own purse! hahahha

Awhile later I heard my mom walk in. I was in the other room. I sat and thought....grrr....okay fine! "Hey mom...uh...are you missing any money?" ....she replys, "Actually I am"....pause....."Uh how much are you missing?".....reply, "100 dollars"..........(dang!).... " Well...I found it" She was glad. Apparently it had fallen out of her pocket. (Why in the world she was carrying a 100 bucks in her pocket is beyond me!)
So I took it out of my purse and gave it to her. Apparently it wasn't my lucky day. *blank stare*
The moral of the story is this, If you find a dollar in your pocket or a hundred dollars under your cats paw....ask no questions and RUN WITH IT!!!

Bahahhaha Just kidding. ;)

During this MAGICAL holiday season *rolling my eyes* I wish you all the experience of finding lucky money! (and getting to KEEP it!):)

*IF I PERISH, I PERISH*

(I have no idea who wrote this...it was sent to me in an email...with no Author. But I do know that it was a talk from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.)

"I’d like you to list all of the symbols of fire you can think of:

TG—Fire See also Earth, Cleansing of; Flame; God, Presence of; God, Spirit of; Hell; Holy Ghost, Baptism of; Transfiguration; World, End of;

I think it is ironic that fire not only represents the presence of God, but also hell. Perhaps for some it is the same thing. My mom got an idea that I thought was interesting. She said that she thinks that hell is actually cold, referring to the scriptural phrase, in Matthew, which says “the love of many shall wax cold.” She said that God lives in “Eternal Burnings” and it would actually be hell to live in His presence if you were not worthy. She thought that the final state referred to as “hell” might really be a more comfortable place for those who wish to make it their home.

As a young boy, Daniel was carried captive from Jerusalem to Babylon. He and other promising Hebrew youths—including his friends Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego—were trained in the court of King Nebuchadnezzar. They exercised great courage in refusing to worship the false Gods of the Babylonians. Not only did they refuse to eat the kings’ meat, which was part of the Babylonian ritualistic worship, but they also refused to bow to the idol built by the king.

• King Nebuchadnezzar built a 90 foot tall golden statue in the form of a man and decreed that anyone who would not worship his idol would be cast into a fiery furnace. How did Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego respond to the decree? (See Daniel 3:12.) What did Nebuchadnezzar do when he found out that they would not worship his idol? (Daniel 3:19–20.)

• What did Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego say when the king threatened to throw them in the furnace? (See Daniel 3:16–18.)

What is it about their response that is so inspiring?

They were willing to obey the Lord whether He protected them or not. What was the outcome of their story? Does obedience always result in miracles and freedom from harm? What examples can you think of where it did not?

Sometimes obedience yields great suffering. The people of the Lord have been persecuted for centuries. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were Jewish. And I’d like to introduce you to a story of another Jew. His name was Elie Weisel and he lived through the holocaust. He recorded his heart wrenching experience at Auswich in a book called Night. A Christian man by the name of Francois Mauriac wrote the foreword for his book. I’d like to quote a portion of it:

“The child who tells us his story here was one of God’s chosen. From the time he began to think, he lived only for God, studying the Talmud, eager to be initiated into the Kabbalah, wholly dedicated to the Almighty. Have we ever considered the consequence of a less visible, less striking abomination, yet the worst of all, for those of us who have faith; the death of God in the soul of a child who suddenly faces absolute evil?
Let us try to imagine what goes on in his mind as his eyes watch rings of black smoke unfurl in the sky, smoke that emanates from the furnaces into which his little sister and his mother had been thrown after thousands of other victims:

[Quoting a poem written by Elie Weisel he writes]

Never shall I forget that night, the first night in camp, that turned my life into one long night seven times sealed.
Never shall I forget that smoke.
Never shall I forget the small faces of the children whose bodies I saw transformed into smoke under a silent sky.
Never shall I forget those flames that consumed my faith forever.
Never shall I forget the nocturnal silence that deprived me for all eternity of the desire to live.
Never shall I forget those moments that murdered my God and my soul and turned my dreams to ashes.
Never shall I forget those things, even were I condemned to olive as long as God himself.
Never.

It was then that I understood what had first appealed to me about this young Jew: the gaze of a Lazerus risen from the dead yet still held captive in the somber regions into which he had strayed, stumbling over desecrated corpses. For him, Neitzche’s cry articulated an almost physical reality: God is dead, the God of love, of gentlenss and consolation, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob had, under the watchful gaze of this child, vanished forever into the smoke of the human holocaust demanded by the Race, the most voracious of all idols.
And how many devout Jews endured such a death? On that most horrible day, even among all those other bad days, when the child witnessed the hanging (yes!) of another child who, he tells us, had the face of a sad angel, he heard someone behind him groan:

“For God’s sake, where is God?”
And from within me, I heard a voice answer:
“Where He is? This is where—hanging from this gallows.”

On the last day of the Jewish year, the child is present at the solemn ceremony of Rosh Hashanah. He hears thousands of slaves cry out in unison, “Blessed be the Almighty!” Not so long ago, he too would have knelt down, and with such worship, such awe, such love! But this day, he does not kneel, he stands. The human creature, humiliated and offended in ways that are inconceivable to the mind or the heart, defies the blind and deaf divinity…

And I, who believe that God is love, what answer was there to give my young interlocutor whose dark eyes still held the reflection of the angelic sadness that had appeared one day on the face of a hanged child? What did I say to him? Did I speak to him of that other Jew, this crucified brother who perhaps resembled him and whose cross conquered the world? Did I explain to him that what had been a stumbling block for his faith had become a cornerstone for mine? And that the connection between the cross and human suffering remains, in my view, the key to the unfathomable mystery in which the faith of his childhood was lost? And yet, Zion has risen up again out of the crematoria and the slaughterhouses. The Jewish nation has been resurrected from among its thousands of dead. It is they who have given it new life. We do not know the worth of one single drop of blood, one single tear. All is grace. If the Almighty is the Almighty, the last word for each of us belongs to him. That is what I should have said to the Jewish child. But all I could do was embrace him and weep.

Why doesn’t obedience guarantee our freedom from harm?

Man must exercise his agency and be judged by his choices.

Alma 14

8 And they brought their wives and children together, and whosoever believed or had been taught to believe in the word of God they caused that they should be acast into the fire; and they also brought forth their records which contained the holy scriptures, and cast them into the fire also, that they might be burned and destroyed by fire.
9 And it came to pass that they took Alma and Amulek, and carried them forth to the place of martyrdom, that they might witness the destruction of those who were consumed by fire.
10 And when Amulek saw the pains of the women and children who were consuming in the fire, he also was pained; and he said unto Alma: How can we witness this awful scene? Therefore let us stretch forth our hands, and exercise the power of God which is in us, and save them from the flames.
11 But Alma said unto him: The Spirit constraineth me that I must not stretch forth mine hand; for behold the Lord receiveth them up unto himself, in glory; and he doth suffer that they may do this thing, or that the people may do this thing unto them, according to the hardness of their hearts, that the judgments which he shall exercise upon them in his wrath may be just; and the blood of the innocent shall stand as a witness against them, yea, and cry mightily against them at the last day.
12 Now Amulek said unto Alma: Behold, perhaps they will burn us also.
13 And Alma said: Be it according to the will of the Lord. But, behold, our work is not finished; therefore they burn us not.


We are shaped by our afflictions—How has suffering become a blessing in your life?


To test our faith, or our trust in God

As a young man, I returned home from an eighth-grade basketball tournament dejected, disappointed, and confused. I blurted out to my mother, “I don’t know why we lost—I had faith we’d win!”

I now realize that I did not then know what faith is.

Faith is not bravado, not just a wish, not just a hope. True faith is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ—confidence and trust in Jesus Christ that leads a person to follow Him. 1

Centuries ago, Daniel and his young associates were suddenly thrust from security into the world—a world foreign and intimidating. When Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego refused to bow down and worship a golden image set up by the king, a furious Nebuchadnezzar told them that if they would not worship as commanded, they would immediately be cast into a burning fiery furnace. “And who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?” 2

The three young men quickly and confidently responded, “If it be so [if you cast us into the furnace], our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand.” That sounds like my eighth-grade kind of faith. But then they demonstrated that they fully understood what faith is. They continued, “But if not, … we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.” 3 That is a statement of true faith.

They knew that they could trust God—even if things didn’t turn out the way they hoped…

The world is a testing place for mortal men and women. When we understand that it’s all a test, administered by our Heavenly Father, who wants us to trust in Him and to allow Him to help us, we can then see everything more clearly…


Men accomplish marvelous things by trusting in the Lord and keeping His commandments—by exercising faith even when they don’t know how the Lord is shaping them…

[There are many scriptural accounts of miracles wrought by faith, but]

“others had trial of cruel mockings and scourgings, … bonds and imprisonment:

“They were stoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the sword: they wandered about … being destitute, afflicted, tormented; … 17

“God having provided some better things for them through their sufferings, for without sufferings they could not be made perfect.” 18

Our scriptures and our history are replete with accounts of God’s great men and women who believed that He would deliver them, but if not, they demonstrated that they would trust and be true.

He has the power, but it’s our test…

We must have the same faith as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego.

Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not … He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. … He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, … we will trust in the Lord.

Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not. … He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not. … We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not, … we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has.”

May we each have the courage to faithfully endure our fires; for it is through them that we are prepared to enter and embrace the eternal burnings of heaven."

*NO MAN IS A FAILURE WHO HAS FRIENDS*

That is the ending line out of one of the great classics, "It's a wonderful life". "No man is a failure who has friends." How truth those words ring forth to me. My desire and strength to survive the past few years has been little. Infact....that desire mostly slipped through my hands as I lay bound to whatever fate was to come upon me. But one by one....a friend would carry me....they would hold my hand....they would lay by me....they would cry with me...they would offer inspiration or encouragement....they would send me a blue butterfly :)....they would pray for me...they would "bare me up even as upon Eagles wings".
If I were to tell you the thing I am most proud of in my life, it is that I have the greatest blessing of having precious friends. But not just friends....friends who walk with these words engraven in their hearts; "By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another."
For those who are thinking, "I have no friends or I have very little"....I would say that you are mistaken. If I had power somehow to rent the veil, I promise you that your very own host of friends and loved ones would be standing in reverance as they beheld you. Friends who have loved you long before....who walk with you even now...who watch over you...who know you in ways that only heavenly friends could. I would remind you of the movie "It's a wonderful life" About a man who get's a rare glimpse into what his life would have been like without him, how he changed lives, saved lives, and how many people loved him and needed him.

Our eyes are not always open to those around us who really are our friends. Sometimes our own eyes deceive us. Sometimes we need to pray that our eyes will be open to see with eternal perspective.

I have a saying above my "wall of fame" that says "I get by with a little help from my friends" :) And I do. I really do. :)
If I could leave any legacy upon this earth...it would be that I was a friend to every man or woman who crossed my path. And that the friends I have...would never ever doubt my friendship.
"NO MAN IS A FAILURE WHO HAS FRIENDS"

*THE LAST LEAF*

I have no leaves left on my trees. None. But on my doorstep there was this one beautiful leaf. It made me smile.

*LIFE ISN'T*

"And the world thought she had it all"

Life isn't about keeping score. It's not about how many people call you and it's not about who you've dated, or who your dating. It isn't about your shoes, or your hair, or the color of your skin. It's not about money or clothes. It's not about where you work or the size of your house. Life isn't about how accepted or unaccepted you are. Life just isn't about that.

But...life is about who you love and apologizing to those you've hurt. It's about forgiving. It's about how you feel about yourself. It's about trust, happiness, and compassion. It's about sticking up for the underdog. It's about not judging a book by it's cover. It's about replacing jealousy, overcoming ignorance and indifference, and building confidence. It's about what you say and what you mean. It's about seeing people for who they are and not for what they have. Most of all it's about choosing to use your life to touch someone elses in a way that could never have been achieved otherwise. This is what life is all about.

-Author Unknown

*PLEASE HEAR WHAT I'M NOT SAYING*

"Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the mask I wear. For I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled, I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in commandand that I need no one, but don't believe me. My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask, ever-varying and ever-concealing. Beneath lies no complacence. Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope, and I know it. It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers I so painstakingly build. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself, that I'm worth something. But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me. I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothingand that you will see this and reject me. So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance withoutand a trembling child within. So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front. I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me. So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can't say. I don't like hiding. I don't like playing superficial phony games. I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me but you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand even when that's the last thing I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings--very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings! With your power, you can breathe life into me. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask, you alone can release me from my shadow-world. Do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back. It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man often I am irrational. I fight against the very thing I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls and in this lies my hope. Please try to beat down those wallswith firm hands but with gentle hands for a child is very sensitive. Who am I, you may wonder? For I am every man, every woman, every child you meet."

~Charles C. Finn

*ASCENDING OUT OF DARKNESS FORGETFUL*

I recently sent out an email to family and friends, in my efforts to educate more people about depression. I really didn't expect replys...but I got a few. There were many kind comments of support and love offered. I appreciated that so much. But....there was also something else. I'm not really sure how to explain it. There was a handful of people who's words and tone came across as very patronizing. I found myself sitting back in my chair puzzled. Kind of shaking my head. I had flashes of these people...because many of them had also struggled through depression and anxieties....deep struggles of the mind and heart. I had watched them and walked with them. I also watched them be released from these things. The pain and anguish slipping away and becoming invisible before their eyes. What a blessing. But now...here they were living a new kind of life, and they had forgotten. How quick to forget the road they walked.

I wonder about this. I try and think of how many times I have done this. When someone is hurting, do I give them a pat on the back and "wish them luck"?? Do I not take the time to think about them and THINK about what they are really going through? Do I just "Talk the talk" and not "Walk the walk"? And even more important, do they SEE and KNOW that I am not taking their pain lightly.
A few weeks ago, I was having dinner with a friend of mine. We were talking and I found myself sharing a very painful experience that I went through. As I shared this personal moment of my life...I saw his eyes fill with tears as he quietly listened. I paused and an unspeakable gratitude filled my heart. I looked at him and beheld a person who cared enough to not just listen...but to feel what I had gone through. He could never know what that meant to me. Even now it makes me cry. Even now.
I keep thinking about the Savior. Reflecting on his agony and sacrifice. We don't understand the depths of that. Perhaps in this life, we never will. This, more than anything must never be forgotten. HE must never be forgotten.
I like these words; "Take heed to thyself, and keep thy soul diligently, lest thou forget the things which thine eyes have seen, and lest they depart from thy heart all the days of thy life". (Deut 4:9)
We must not forget. Ever. We can and should all strive with greater steps and determined hearts...to never ascend out of our own darkness and the darkness of others...FORGETFUL.

*10,000 MILES*

(Here is a link to the song that you can listen to. It is not my photography...but whoever put it together did a beatufiul job.) http://youtube.com/watch?v=3kieyW-FKyQ&feature=related


*10,000 Miles*

"Fare thee well
My own true love
Farewell for a while
I’m going away
But I’ll be back
Though I go 10,000 miles

10,000 miles
My own true love
10,000 miles or more
The rocks may melt
And the seas may burn
If I should not return

Oh don’t you see
That lonesome dove
Sitting on an ivy tree
She’s weeping for
Her own true love
As I shall weep for mine

Oh come ye back
My own true love
And stay a while with me
If I had a friend
All on this earth
You’ve been a friend to me"

~MARY CHAPIN CARPENTER

*WYNKEN, BLYNKEN, AND NOD*

*Wynken, Blynken, and Nod"

(This is a poem that I have loved all my life. My mother read it to us when we were little and I have loved it since".

"Wynken, Blynken, and Nod one night
Sailed off in a wooden shoe---
Sailed on a river of crystal light,
Into a sea of dew.
"Where are you going, and what do you wish?"
The old moon asked the three.
"We have come to fish for the herring fish
That live in this beautiful sea;
Nets of silver and gold have we!"
Said Wynken,
Blynken,
And Nod.
The old moon laughed and sang a song,
As they rocked in the wooden shoe,
And the wind that sped them all night long
Ruffled the waves of dew.
The little stars were the herring fish
That lived in that beautiful sea---
"Now cast your nets wherever you wish---
Never afeard are we";
So cried the stars to the fishermen three:
Wynken,
Blynken,
And Nod.
All night long their nets they threw
To the stars in the twinkling foam---
Then down from the skies came the wooden shoe,
Bringing the fishermen home;
'T was all so pretty a sail it seemed
As if it could not be,
And some folks thought 't was a dream they 'd dreamed
Of sailing that beautiful sea---
But I shall name you the fishermen three:
Wynken,
Blynken,
And Nod.
Wynken and Blynken are two little eyes,
And Nod is a little head,
And the wooden shoe that sailed the skies
Is a wee one's trundle-bed.
So shut your eyes while mother sings
Of wonderful sights that be,
And you shall see the beautiful things
As you rock in the misty sea,
Where the old shoe rocked the fishermen three:
Wynken,
Blynken,
And Nod."

~By Eugene Field

"IF THIS LIFE WAS ALL THAT MATTERED"

I found these words about a year ago, by a man from England named Brian Thompson. They seemed to be just for me at that dark and painful hour.

"If this life were all that mattered, if its hopes and fears were all,
How could you squeeze one life into a place so cramped and small?
And if this life were everything, what would we ever do,
with the soul’s own quiet longing, for the land it never knew?

But there is another country and there is another land
There’s a promise waits fulfillment, and there is an outstretched hand.
And a journey to be taken and a destination found,
And my travels won’t be over, till I stand on holy ground.

Because nothing here is like it and nothing else will do
It’s the land of my possessing and the home I was born to.
In my sleep and in my waking, I can hear the call so strong.
And I understand the music, though I have not learnt the song.

There’s a crown and there’s a country, there’s a king and there’s a throne,
There’s a people with a longing and a language all their own.
They are born of tribulation they are born of fire and flood.
They are born of Christ’s own Spirit, they are born of Christ’s own blood.

They are standing in the presence of a God who knows their name
And they shine like stars for beauty and they burn like purest flame:
For they held their lives much cheaper than the Name they held most dear;
And the one they lived and died for, is the one who called them here.

And their praise flows like a river and their worship like the sea,
It’s the sound of many waters, it’s the shout of victory.
They’re the called and they’re the chosen, they’re the ransomed from the fall,
And the witness of the weakest, is the wonder of them all.

They’re his loved and they’re his longed-for, they’re his joy and his delight.
For each one of these he travailed, they are his and his by right
They are near him, and they know him, and now nothing lies between;
For they see no longer darkly, but they see as they are seen.

Every name and every nation, every tribe and every tongue
Gathered here to join the chorus of the song that must be sung,
And the music soars yet higher, like an eagle on the wing
On the day of coronation, of the Christ already King.

Then the books will all be opened and the Book of Life will show,
Those who know the God they’ve come to, those who only claimed to know.
Every sleeping conscience woken, every hidden thing made known,
Every secret refuge shattered, every fond illusion flown.

Every argument grown silent, every last lie swept away,
It’s the final close of business, and the dawn of Judgment Day.
And the tears of godly sorrow and the tears of angry pain,
Will be joined for one brief moment and will never meet again.

For this is no flight of fancy and this is no distant dream.
You are closer than you know and you are nearer than you seem.
There’s a destiny here waiting and a journey to be done;
For the pilgrim and the stranger, for the daughter and the son.

At the last, the waiting over, every perfect thing in place,
No more needing, only knowing, no more growing, only grace.
And the bride in borrowed beauty, shines like crystal in the sun
And the Bridegroom, with delight, declares the wedding feast begun!"



By Brian Thompson from England

*THE SENTIMENTS OF A SEA MASTER*

Human suffering comes to all mankind. Most people will pass through a form of it at one time or another. Others might feel that they have had more then their share of it. And then there are those who are as familiar with it as they are with the back of their hand. We might call them such things as; The depressed, acquainted with grief or as was said of Job of old, "hated ones".

They find that no matter how hard they try....the bondage of sorrow is always clapping at their heals. Day in and day out…Their opposition consistent and steady as the rising son. The words of Joseph Smith ring true to them when he said "Deep water is what I am wont to swim in" The depths of which…only God himself knows. Those depths can be grueling, taxing, mocking, and like the heavy as a dead weight upon their shoulders. It is the wrenching of their very heart strings... in both body and mind.

If you look back throughout history...you find a startling amount of those whom you might consider "The great ones" who have walked such painful, thorn filled, roads. Take for instance, a few of these famous names....Abraham Lincoln, Aristotle, Martin Luther King, C.S. Lewis, Joseph Smith .......and many many more. We could go back even further in time and find The mighty Job of old, Jeremiah, Rebecca, Abraham and Sarah, Joseph of Egypt, and most importantly Jesus Christ, who was so acutely acquainted with grief that he was known as a "man of sorrows" and a man who's suffering caused him to "Bleed from every pore".

There is an old saying that a man can't kneel and shake his fist at the sky at the same time. I beg to differ. At quite a young age, I made Heavenly Father (God) my best friend. I had no one else. At least no one who understood me. And something inside me told me that HE did. From that time forth....I told him EVERYTHING. I told him how I hated my parents relationship, how I always felt that I loved others more than they loved me. I told him of the boys I loved, the friends I hoped for, and thanked him often for how beautifully he had created this world. I talked of weeping willow trees, butterflies, my mother's compassion, the greatness of a friendship...and the love I had for my nieces and nephews. I also spoke to him of my own sorrows, anxieties, fears and everything that accompanies I own personal cross that I have had to bare. I have certainly shaken my fist at the sky, I have cursed him and yelled at him...and hated him. And yet...in the deepest part of my heart, I know he's still listening. That he is not a God with a whip! He is not angry or mad at me. But instead is like the best father you could ever hope for. That he is patient, kind, and more understanding than you could ever imagine.

There are a lot of us, especially me, who ask on a daily basis, "Why LORD? Why me!?" Or perhaps ones lament might be… "Why does my sister have to suffer? Why have I lost the love of my life? Why have I lost my friend to the grave? Why do the innocent suffer? We go through the whys, and despite the opinion of some of the greatest men and women…I find my own heart saying that is OKAY to do so. Because when you search...you most likely will find. And there are answers to be found! A God, who proclaimed to all people…that he is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, will surely speak to us from his heaven, as he always has. There are times when we must accept that not all things can be answered in this life. Not all relationships can be mended. And not all of the "Whys" can be answered. And when I find this happening in my own life, I reflect on the words of a man named "Nephi" from the book of Mormon who stated "I know not the meaning of all things, nevertheless...I know that God loves his children."

And sometimes the whys do get answered. Joseph Smith was given wise words from the Lord, during a time of great sorrow.

D&C 122: 7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit•, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep•; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience•, and shall be for thy good.

Experience. That is the key word. Experience changes us...it makes us hard or soft. An old seaman who has become withered from the sun and storms of life...is most likely to offer the most compassion to an aspiring sailor.

*DEPRESSION*

This photo was taken on July 11th 2006. I had not slept at all that night and could feel my body literally shutting down. I knew there was a good chance I would not live much longer. This is me seeing the first sunrise since I was a young girl. I was admitted into the hospital a couple weeks later and my life was spared. I did something called ECT. Electric shock therapy. (It is not for everyone) It saved my life. It did not heal me, but I am doing much better and have greater hope again).

*Depression*

Depression has been my constant companion my whole life. It came upon me as a young girl and has ruled and reigned over me since that time. I have fought like a lion to survive it and overcome it. But it is like tar. It is unspeakable and there is no real understanding of it in this world. It has been hard for me to talk about, because there is such quick judgement. In a matter of moments you are seen in a whole new light. Not a good light. I don't blame the reactions of others. They are mostly ingnorant. They try to understand. But unless you have walked with this "Noonday Demon"...you can't know the depths of it. Your mind and body are held captive and you are controlled. There are many resources that can assist in helping this. Medication & therapy help alot of people. But so many find that no matter what they try it still hangs over them. The mind is oppressed and they can find no solace.

For those who wonder about depression and want to understand it more. It's first helpful to know what these people go through. Here are just a few things; Nagging fatigue, Anxiety, Sadness, Despair, Confusion, No appetite or desire to eat, Insomnia or not being to wake up..(usually it's both at different times), Nightmares or disturbing dreams, no phisical strength, guilt (for no reason at all), easily overwhelmed (noise has always been terribly disturbing to me), headaches or migraines, and a hand full of other things. A huge reminder is that this is NOT mind over matter. I don't believe that at all! There are many who will disagree with me. That is fine. But walking this road for more than 15 years...I know alot about it. If it was mind over matter, I would have been healed years ago. Of course we can learn to master our negativity and always do better at controling our thoughts. But this illness is like a form of Cancer. You do not get to pick and choose when it will go into remission. When you wake up, you are at war. And you fight to survive. This is not a "Whoa is me" blog, but rather an expression of what those who suffer this REALLY go through. I weep for those who endure these things...for I know they feel they must mourn out their days like a dark and dreary nightmare. I want them to know that they are not alone...even though they feel like it. I want them to know that there IS hope. Many things are coming out that will assit in healing depression. And most of all, "God keeps company with those who are oppressed" It is harder to feel him or hear him in this state of mind. But he NEVER leaves you. I have only lived this long because he has sustained me. I have prayed hundreds of hours for relief and deliverance. The first was rarely given to me, and the second has never come. But I believe that the day will come, even if it is not granted to me or them in this life.

I believe that what a person will gain from this trial is more than tounge can tell. A compassion and understand for others, wisdom and a love that in is boundless.

Here are some powerful words I have found from the scriptures. The first is from Psalms 30 12&13;

"For their soul shall be as a watered garden; and they shall not sorrow anymore at all. For I will turn their mourning into joy, and will comfort them, and make them to rejoice from their sorrow."

Also I love these words from Revelation 21: 4&5

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be anymore pain; for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold I make ALL things NEW".

For those who wonder what they can do to help, I suggest loving them, praying for them, assisting them in anyway you know how, offering friendship and your shoulder to help bare them up. Please don't judge them or ask them to "Snap out of it". Stand by them.

Remind them and remember that they are heros for enduring such things.

*HIDDEN HEART*

There are so many beautiful hearts in this world. Each filled with their own magic. The magic that comes from their personal experiences, their perceptions, their dreams and visions, their personal beauty. Nobody else gets to be you. Nobody else has your exact thoughts or your insights. But so many are afraid to share their hearts. They are afraid of what others might think. I realize that there are many things that are sacred and should be kept to ourselves. But I also have seen how other peoples hearts have affected mine. When they open their mouths in writing or speaking out...I am changed. Sometimes they plant seeds..sometimes they open my minds...sometimes they comfort me...sometimes they heal me....and sometimes they even move mountains that I am not able to climb on my own. We can carry eachother in this way. And so many of us need to be carried at various moments. I hid myself for so long. I hid my heart. The only one who knew my thoughts was God and my journals. And then one day I decided to give what was in me...away. That maybe my thoughts...my dreams...my poetry...my view of the world might help another. If more of us chose to do this, the world would radiate sunshine and conquer the darkness that surrounds us. I believe this with all my heart.

*INSTINCT*

I watched "Instinct" tonight. I forgot how much I loved that movie. I cried like a baby. That movie says more than I could ever express in words...more than this world has the capability of saying. It speaks volumes about everything I want to be...everything that I want to learn. Compassion, kindness, forgivness, tolerance, hope, friendship, courage, understanding, empathy, and being brave. In a world of darkness & despair..everyone has power to protect the innocent and to love in a way that does not come from what society has taught. Love in it's purest form is the only thing that can defy the darkness. Sometimes you have to dig deep. You have to go to places you don't want to go. You have to open your mouth when you would rather be silent. And you have to walk forward when you would rather flee. I'm glad I saw the movie again. I am grateful for the reminder.

*FOOLS MOCK*

So I was thinking about President Bush tonight and thinking how he has been judged so harshly. Now, I'm not big into politics...but I have a great love and respect for him. I always follow my heart with people and my heart always said that he was a good man. A God fearing man, who loves his family, and has done his best. The man has weaknesses, but my question is, WHO DOESN'T??? He has struggled in expressing things at times, he gets jumbled over words, or makes mistakes with grammar and such. Because of these things he is mocked on a daily basis. It's rediculous.

So the other week, I asked the Lord what his opinion was. And straight away Ether 12: 24-26 came to mind. It reads;

23 And I said unto him: Lord, the Gentiles will mock at these things, because of our weakness in writing; for Lord thou hast made us mighty in word by faith, but thou hast not made us mighty in writing; for thou hast made all this people that they could speak much, because of the Holy Ghost which thou hast given them;

24 And thou hast made us that we could write but little, because of the awkwardness of our hands. Behold, thou hast not made us mighty in writing like unto the brother of Jared, for thou madest him that the things which he wrote were mighty even as thou art, unto the overpowering of man to read them.
25 Thou hast also made our words powerful and great, even that we cannot write them; wherefore, when we write we behold our weakness, and stumble because of the placing of our words; and I fear lest the Gentiles shall mock at our words.
26 And when I had said this, the Lord spake unto me, saying: Fools mock, but they shall mourn; and my grace is sufficient for the meek, that they shall take no advantage of your weakness;

That is just like what President Bush has had to endure. Because he is not mighty in 'Speaking' he is mocked and called dumb, stupid, and unintelligent.

I'm grateful for the Lords reminder, that "FOOLS MOCK".

*A BOY, A MAN, OR A GENTLEMAN?*

First Grade. Age 6. I'm not sure if anyone really remembers much about that young time in their lives. Perhaps there are a few glimpses and memories of lunch boxes, Recess or your first grade teacher. Mine? Miss Iverson. She wore bright red lipstick and was very animated. I liked her. I thought she was nice. But I don't remember anything else about her...or the class. I don't remember faces, and I don't remember names, I don't remember lessons or games.
But I will tell you, that I remember one boy. A boy that set the tone for all other boys! A boy that I could never forget...because of one quiet little moment. Ben Adams... that was his name. And here is why I remember him...

I must have just walked into class from somewhere. Maybe it was the start of a new day, Gym class, Recess, or lunchtime. I don't recall. I just know that as I attempted to take my seat, some little smart alec kid (whom I can't for the life me recall...but probably had a name like "Scott FARKUS") decided to pull my chair out from under me! There I went! DOWN! Flat on my butt. I bet the kids around me laughed. I bet the Farkus kid laughed his head off and thought he was stinking hilarious! But I honestly don't remember. All I could see was a beautiful brown haired boy come walking towards me, and offer me his hand. Picture that in slow motion. A six or seven year old boy offering his hand to help me up! Who does that? What little kid even thinks of something like that? But he did. And I loved him for it. I took his hand...and he helped me up. And I have NEVER forgotten it.

Sounds simple, maybe silly. But even at that young age...I recognized what the word "Gentleman" means. For those who might be in question of what that definition is, let me offer the words of my friend, Websters Worldwide Dictionary;

GENTLEMAN:
"A Chivalrous, honorable, kind, amiable, well mannered man. Considerate or kindly in disposition, free from harshness, sterness, or violence."

Somehow...at that moment in time, I already knew what that word meant. My heart knew it. And I recognized it for the first time, as a first grader.

I would then spend the next 25 or so years of my life watching, as many friends and boyfriends would come gallaping in and out of my life. Each one being placed, unconsiously, in a category. A boy? a man? or a gentleman?

Call me old fashioned...call me crazy...call me anything you want. But I know the truth. I know the worth of a gentle-man.
How few of them are to be found in this world. Apparently the idea has lost it's luster. It's not cool to be kind, considerate, or thoughtful. But it is very cool to be selfish, indulgent, brash, and crude. A man/boy like that is a dime a dozen. Take your pick! They come in all colors, varieties, ages, and shapes. But really they are all the same. There is NOTHING remarkable about them. Nothing to remember or write in the 'ole journal about! NOT A THING.

But a gentleman? They are worth their weight in Gold. They are written about, cherished, and remembered. Some EVEN revere their names and call them "Blessed". Some people cry when they think of them. I know I do.

The irony is that it's not as hard as one might think. Saying the please and thank yous. Offering a gracious and sincere compliment. The thoughtful note or deed. The opening of a car door or the helping of putting a coat on. The showing of respect for women, children, and all mankind.

It is meekness in it's purest form. It is graciousness in all it's majesty. It is the chivalry of the ancients.

A man who walks this road is noble and he is GREAT! "Who can find a virtuous man ? For his price is above rubies!"

*THE HASKINS*

The Haskins are my second family. I met them on a trip to visit my best friend in San Jose, California when I was 15. I instantly fell in love with them. All 12 of them! They pretty much raised me in many ways...and they are my best friends in all the world. They are just as much my siblings...as my own flesh and blood. They brought me out of my horrible shyness and taught me how to laugh at myself..(something I was not good at.) They also taught me to live the gospel of Jesus Christ and to love it in a way I never thought I could. I learned to pray, to speak up, to serve, to laugh, and to love. Brother Haskin was the priesthood leader in my life and was the Lords instrument and mouth piece through out my teenage and young adult years. Like a butterfly in it's cocoon, everything beautiful was in there, it just needed to be brought out.

My favorite memories with them, are when we go camping. For many years I would go with them to Yosemite. Oh, how I love that place. I can picture them sitting around the campfire and singing in harmony with their beautiful voices. (I'm not a singer)...one of my favorite songs that they sing, is "God gave the wiseman"

"GOD GAVE THE WISEMAN HIS WISDOM..
AND TO THE POET HIS DREAMS...
TO FATHER AND MOTHER...THEIR LOVE FOR EACHOTHER...
BUT HE LEFT ME OUT SO IT SEEMS....
I WENT AROUND BROKEN HEARTED...
THINKING LIFE WAS A EMPTY AFFAIR...
BUT WHEN GOD GAVE ME YOU...
IT WAS THEN THAT I KNEW...
HE HAD GIVEN ME MORE THAN MY SHARE."

This week I went up to American Fork canyon to visit them on their yearly campout. It was filled with all the same wonderful things. Good food, good conversation, and much laughter. I was not able to stay for the night on account of my health. I said my goodbyes, when out of the blue Sister Haskin reminded me that we had not yet sung any songs. (Something they know I enjoy listening to) I told them it was okay and I better head home. As I started to walk away...they began to sing, "God gave the wisesman" for me. Big tears rolled down my face..and I quietly wept. How grateful I am for this precious family. How loving the Lord has been in granting me their friendship. How grateful I am for their love and support over the years. I am who I am...because of them.

*THE SWORD OF THY MOUTH*

There is an old saying that I have loved for many years. I recognized it as something that was not only true, but also a wise reminder of the power of ones words. The saying is, "Sticks and stones may break our bones...but words will break our hearts." How very true. I have thought back to the many people who have come in and out of my life...even those who passed by for only a brief moment. Each one, unique in their gifts and different from each other. But still...every one of them had one common gift...the sword of their mouths. The power to defend, honor, lift and protect....or bruise, wound, or even slay. How wise is the reminder to "Think before you speak". I am first to admit that I am far from perfect in this...but lately I have put this virtue or rather truth to the test. Over the last few weeks I paid close attention to the things that I said to others, along with what others said to me, and how it made me feel. How easy it was for my spirits to be lifted by kind or gracious words. To feel a ray of sunshine by please and thank you's....or any other courteous or friendly remark. On the other hand, I also saw how easy it was to feel the sting of sharp words. How sarcasim dampens spirits and can so quickly diminish confidence and hope and damage the heart. Often our words can cause the smile of a friend or stranger to fade away. OR..."turn a frown upside down" and ignite the light of a weary traveler or empty soul. If you think back on your life....I bet there are many remarks that you will remember, both good and bad. They stay with us, they chang us, they shape us. Most of the time, we don't know how we affect others....we may never see it with our eyes. But we can rest assure that kindness always wins. It is a bright and shiney sword that can be used to bless and strengthen others. To keep it hidden is such a waste...and to use it to hurt or humiliate is a shame. "Out of the abundance of the heart...the mouth speaketh." (Luke 6:45) Our mouth speaks volumes about our hearts...I even believe it can reveal ALL things.

So, my thought for the week? Think....before you speak. Lift your sword for good and be a blessing to all who come in contact with you.

"SERENDIPITY QUOTES"

~SERENDIPITY QUOTES~
~Serendipity : When love feels like magic, it's called Destiny. When destiny has a sense of humor, it's called Serendipity.

~Life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences, but rather it is a tapestry of acts that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan.

~If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.

~Romans did not have obituaries. When a man died, they asked only one question: Did he have passion?!

~If we are to live life in harmony with the universe-we all must possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call fatem, what we currently refer to as destiny.

(This movie is remarkable! I heart it soooooooooo much! John Cusack is the best hopeless romantic! What a star!)

*INTO THE WEST*

(Here is a link to hear the song. It shows pictures from Lord of the rings...the theme of me & my Sam.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24fGmWG6kpg
INTO THE WEST~ Annie Lennox

(Kim, "the ships have come to carry you home")

Lay down
Your sweet and weary head
Night is falling
Youve come to journey's end
Sleep now
And dream of the ones who came before
They are calling
From across the distant shore

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see
All of your fears will pass away
Safe in my arms
You're only sleeping


What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home

And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
All souls pass

Hope fades
Into the world of night
Through shadows falling
Out of memory and time
Don't say: «We have come now to the end»
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again

And you'll be here in my arms
Just sleeping

And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
Grey ships pass
Into the West

*MY SISTER PAMMY, HER FAITH & SACRIFICE*

My sister Pammy


Tonight my sister is walking one of the Mormon Treks down at Martins Cove, WY. She will walk the same walk...as many of our pioneer heritage. My sister is tiny! She is 5'2 and ways as much as a bag of flour. :) But she is the toughest mother scratcher I have ever known! She has 4 boys and is a single mom. The girl has Iron Courage and the faith of the ancients. All I can think about tonight is how tired, hot, and worn down she must feel. I love her more than life itself. She calls me her "American Idol" which is hilarious! But really...she's mine! She is my ears when I can't hear...and my eyes when I can't see. Wave on wave is her special song. And because it's special to her...it's now special to me. And the reason it's so special is only for US to know. It's our secret.

So this song is for you, "Sam"! I love you and I'm the luckiest girl on earth to have you as my sister. I hold your name sacred.

Light the torch! Blow the horn! Into the west Pammy...into the west!

Wave~ ~ ~ ~Wave ~ ~ ~ ~ ~Wave ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Wave~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Mile upon mile, got no direction.
We're all playin' the same game.
We're all lookin' for redemption.
Just to pray, to say the name.

So caught up now in pretendin'
That what we're seekin' is the truth.
I'm just lookin' for a happy endin'.
All I'm lookin' for is you.

You came upon me, wave on wave.
You're the reason I'm still here, yeah.
Am I the one you were sent to save?
You came upon me, wave on wave.

I wandered out into the water,
An' I thought that I might drown.
I don't know what I was after,
Just know I was goin' down.

And that's when she found me.
Not afraid anymore.
She said: "You know, I always had you, baby.
"Just waitin' for you to find what you were lookin' for."

You came upon me, wave on wave.
You're the reason I'm still here, yeah.
Am I the one you were sent to save?
It came upon me, wave on wave.

Wave on wave.
Wave on wave.

An' it came upon me, wave on wave.
You're the reason I'm still here, yeah.
Am I the one you were sent to save?
It came upon me, wave on wave.

The clouds broke and the angels cried:
"You ain't gotta wipe the floor."
That's why it put me in your hands.
When it came upon me wave on wave.

Yeah, it came upon me, wave on wave.
You're the reason I'm still here, yeah.
Am I the one you were sent to save?
An' it came upon me, wave on wave.

Yeah, it came upon me, wave on wave.
You're the reason I'm still here, yeah.
Am I the one you were sent to save?
An' it came upon me, wave on wave.

*GENTLE MOON*

Gentle Moon~ Sun Kil Moon

smile down on us sun, show your rays
when things come undone
all animals lead, us to light
when we can't see
stars, saturn and moon, glow for those
who cannot get through
rain fall and voice sound for those of whom
still are not found

gentle moon, find them soon
gentle moon, find them

black sky and black sea, lighten up
when we can't breathe
all dreams escape fire, over worlds
fly but won't tire
slow down on us wind, hold us still
when everything spins
all secrets and lies, let them out

dreams escape fire, they won't tire
dreams escape fire, they won't tire

gentle moon, find them soon
gentle moon, find them soon

all calendars pass, days die off
and hope cannot last
but if love was like stone, then yours was mine
through to my bones
but how can we give back to those
with whom we can't live
when will the flame break
and spare the good people it takes

souls escape fire, they rise higher
souls escape fire, they rise higher

gentle moon, find us soon
gentle moon, find us soon

*EVERYTHING THAT GLITTERS ISN'T GOLD*

~Everything that Glitterz isn't Gold~

(My best shot of the day)

*THOUGHTS THAT TRULY MAKE YOU THINK*

Tonight I found a plethora of great quotes (mostly by Simone Weil) I learned alot from them. It took my mind off the pettiness of the world & people that can surround us.

"There is nothing that will stop a man (or woman) in his progress faster than a narrow heart."
~Joseph Smith.

"Those who occupy their minds with small matters, generally become incapable of greatness."
François de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680) French writer.

"A test of what is real is that it is hard and rough. Joys are found in it, not pleasure. What is pleasant belongs to dreams."
Simone Weil

"Difficult as it is really to listen to someone in affliction, it is just as difficult for him to know that compassion is listening to him." (My personal fave!)
Simone Weil

"Human beings are so made that the ones who do the crushing feel nothing; it is the person crushed who feels what is happening. Unless one has placed oneself on the side of the oppressed, to feel with them, one cannot understand."
Simone Weil

"Humanism was not wrong in thinking that truth, beauty, liberty, and equality are of infinite value, but in thinking that man can get them for himself without grace."
Simone Weil
"Humility is attentive patience."
Simone Weil

"The love of our neighbor in all its fullness simply means being able to say to him, "What are you going through?"
Simone Weil

"The proper method of philosophy consists in clearly conceiving the insoluble problems in all their insolubility and then in simply contemplating them, fixedly and tirelessly, year after year, without any hope, patiently waiting."
Simone Weil

"Two prisoners whose cells adjoin communicate with each other by knocking on the wall. The wall is the thing which separates them but is also their means of communication. It is the same with us and God. Every separation is a link."
Simone Weil

"With no matter what human being, taken individually, I always find reasons for concluding that sorrow and misfortune do not suit him; either because he seems too mediocre for anything so great, or, on the contrary, too precious to be destroyed."
Simone Weil

*BELIEVER*

Could Ben Kweller lyrics get ANY BETTER?

Here's a favorite song of mine, given to me by someone I love. But after reading about the Savior tonight in "Jesus the Christ", this song came on my Ipod. Eliminating the word "girl" and it was truly how I felt about Jesus. It has often amazed me how much the Lord speaks to me through music. He is able to reach me on a level that could come in no other way.

And also on the subject of Ben Kweller, I can't say enough good things about him! Not only does he reek KOOLNESS, has talent coming out his ears/mouth, and amazing style...but the guy is a GOOD GUY. So genuine and wise beyond his young years. He has his priorities straight. Very rare for a Rock StaR!

*Believer~ Ben Kweller


When you're hurt you heal others.
When you're in need you give.
Because of you I am living the most that I can live.

Oh, sweet darling
I'm so glad you found me.
Oh, sweet darling
Your power surrounds me.

Remember me, don't forget me,
I have something true.
My path is dark, my steps uncertain, unless I walk
With you.

Oh, sweet darling
I'm so glad you found me.
Oh, sweet darling
Your power surrounds me.

Your power...surrounds me.

You speak to me without speaking.
You touch so I can feel.
With your strength I am stronger, at last I know I'm real.

Oh, sweet darling
I'm so glad you found me.
Oh, sweet darling
Your power surrounds me.