*Post surgery 2*

So, it's been over two weeks now that I've been home from my surgery.  I guess I knew it would take some time to get on my feet again but it's still sore and I've been really weak.  At least I don't have to roll and cringe when I get into bed anymore AND I've been able to sleep a bit more...which is rare.  On the flip side...I still can't eat.  I wake up nausitated (sorry people who are pregnant...not fun!) It last until about 2pm.  I have to choke down something before then.  I've lost some weight and my butt looks cuter in my jeans...so that's kool! (that's my positive thinking ;)  Other than that, I really am grateful every day to still be here.  I'm looking forward to a full recovery in more ways than one.  I think my boats are docked. :)

"You wanna be the Lone Ranger, or the Cisco Kid?"

I can't believe it's been 17 years this month that River Phoenix died. It's so sad! He was brilliant and I was bound and determined to marry him. ;) I knew he would love my brace face and Grand Finale big hair at age 13. He was my wallpaper...I wish I had a picture it was awesome. I wonder what the future could have held for him. :(

"Running On Empty was my favorite movie of his."

*Surgery....OUCHHHHHHHHH!*

So, this will be quick because I'm not feeling so well.  Just got out of the hospital 3 days ago after an emergency surgery.  I woke up on the 16th in the worst pain.  I felt like someone had shot me in the stomach.  I paced my house for over an hour and once I couldn't got off my knees, I finally told my mom to get me to a hospital.  After a CT scan it was obvious that my intestines were twisted.  After a blessing and family prayer...I was on a hospital gurney on my way to surgery.  I was scared to death but knew after what they had told me that really this was life threatening.  To shorten the story, The procedure took four hours and had my family in a state deep concern, but I was blessed to have a successful outcome.  It could have been so much worse.  I will save most of the details, but they took about 8 inches of my intestines out and had to do a few other things.  Then they stapled me back up.  Yes, STAPLED me.  I have a lovely S shape on my stomach that makes me feel like the sorting hat (Harry Potter) put me in the "Slythern House" and branded me with their mark.  BOO!  Now I'm stuck with a lovely scar. :(  But I'm really not complaining, I'm alive.  On the exact same day, my cousin died of a drug overdose, he was not as lucky as I.  We are all broken hearted and continue to pray for peace and comfort over his family.  Life throws so many curve balls...deals us cards we don't want.  I sure didn't want this.  It's an awful surgery, not mild.  The first two days we couldn't find a medication to stop the pain.  Not Morphine or anything.  I felt like I would die in pain.  By the end of the second day, they found something that helped, but NEVER really relieved it.  My sweet mother stayed by my side the whole time.  Even spending the nights with me.  I was scared and in pain, I wondered how I would heal.  But now that it's a week later, I'm doing much better.  I'm able to get up and around (slowly but surely) I have to hold my stomach to take deep breaths, yawn, cough, stretch, or anything like those.  Be GRATEFUL for those things.  And I'm starting to eat more than popsicles, pudding, and cream of wheat.  But I have zero appetite.  I've lost at least ten pounds and hope to get more of a desire to eat back soon.

Anyhow, thats the condensed version and really the other details are neither here nor there.  I'm thankful for so many people who prayed for me and sent such kind messages.  Also, I had a great staff at the hospital who looked after me, and I'm grateful for that too.

*I just can't shake it...but I HAVE to*

I heard a U2 song from this guy on YouTube a couple years ago and I thought it was amazing how he orchestrates them in this unique instrumental style.  This is his newest and I just heard it an hour ago.  I think it's great.  I've heard "With or without you" a million times and it never gets old...but this was a refreshing way to hear one of the greatest songs I've ever heard.  Not only that, it made me feel something I haven't felt in years...I don't really know how to say what that feeling is...but I think I'll try before this feeling leaves me.  This will not make sense to hardly anyone...so you can just sit back and listen to this kool ten minute song or read along and be okay with it not making sense.

Things come full circle
Where once you were humilated...you will be redeemed
God has heard EVERY prayer you have EVER made.
The sounding horn...is within ears reach...
Yes meant Yes and it was ALL real.
This is a powerful story...and it has an ending...and the ending is magnificent!
Suffering brings power...so much that ONE voice can reach the end of the earth...it can change
The year of the rising sun must be seen on every continent
The air is empty and beyond silent...because you have to dig down deeeep and find it in yourself again.  You have to believe in those long drives...the walks...the ones you take alone and hear HIS voice.  Every song, every verse, every revelation, every word accompanied by the spirit of the Lord.  It is all the sound of victory!  It is the sound of one of the most meaningful stories that will ever be told....or ever be known.  Even if it's only for some ears to hear...and some eyes to see.  It is real....it's is real....it IS real.

I can't shake it...but I HAVE to.

*Things that make you go hmmm...*

Love the song!
Love the video!
At first I thought...huh?...hmmm?..."  And then all the sudden... crescendo!!!!!!! and then you just have a big smile on your face as you're dancin' & tappin' your toes while watching nerdy chunkers run, dance, and sing! BRAVO Temper Trap!  Bravo!

*Eat up!*

"I doubt the world holds for anyone a more soul stirring surprise than the first adventure with Ice cream.
~Heywood Broun

*Bright Star/Ben Whishaw*

I watched "Bright Star" last night.  Not recommended unless you are a girl who likes weepy movies.  Ben Whishaw is an amazing actor. Loved the movie...loved him. Great new actor.
"There is a holiness to the hearts affection you know nothing about!"
Ps. I also love that I have found a new poet to study.  John Keats.

*Ghost*

  Sometimes you aren't still in love with someone...you're in love with the memory of them.  You might think you are.... BUT sometimes its the love that you once had for them.  It most likely wouldn't be the same if it came around again...because people change, our hearts change, our lives change.  It's hard to come to an understanding of that and seperate your feelings from the past and the present.  Some people can't.  This lyric say's it best to me, "can you hear it?  A cry to be free!  Oh i'm forever under lock and key."  They can't let go...they just can't free themselves no matter how hard they try.  (some say that time heals all...I don't always believe that.)

  This song is perfect for sort of understanding that.  I've loved it since High School.  I still don't know how to let go of some of the memories of a couple people I loved...their "ghosts."  Maybe we aren't meant to.  I loved this one boy a handful of years back and he has never left me.  I wish he would...I'm in love with his memory and if he knocked on my door now, it wouldn't be the same...or would it?  I guess I'll never know.
(This is obviously my interpretation.  That's the beauty of music...you get to interpretate it the way you see it or feel it.)

Ps. This is a living "ghost"...not a heavenly one. ;) Or actually It could be someone on the other side of the veil...I guess it's how YOU look at. :)




there's a letter on the desktop

that i dug out of a drawer

the last truce we ever came to

in our adolescent war

and i start to feel the fever

from the warm air through the screen

you come regular like seasons

shadowing my dreams



and the mississippi's mighty

but it starts in minnesota

at a place that you could walk across

with five steps down

and i guess that's how you started

like a pinprick to my heart

but at this point you rush right through me

and i start to drown



and there's not enough room

in this world for my pain

signals cross and love gets lost

and time passed makes it plain

of all my demon spirits

i need you the most

i'm in love with your ghost

i'm in love with your ghost



dark and dangerous like a secret

that gets whispered in a hush

(don't tell a soul)

when i wake the things i dreamt about you

last night make me blush

(don't tell a soul)

and you kiss me like a lover

then you sting me like a viper

i go follow to the river

play your memory like a piper



and i feel it like a sickness

how this love is killing me

i'd walk into the fingers

of your fire willingly

and dance the edge of sanity

i've never been this close

i'm in love with your ghost



unknowing captor

you never know how much you

pierce my spirit

but i can't touch you

can you hear it

a cry to be free

oh i'm forever under lock and key

as you pass through me



now i see your face before me

i would launch a thousand ships

to bring your heart back to my island

as the sand beneath me slips

as i burn up in your presence

and i know now how it feels

to be weakened like achilles

with you always at my heels



this bitter pill i swallow

is the silence that i keep

it poisons me i can't swim free

the river is too deep

though i'm baptized by your touch

i am no worse than most

in love with your ghost


you are shadowing my dreams

(in love with your ghost)

*I've fallen for...*

...THE NATIONAL...and I'm head over heels.

*The Wanderer*

He said come wander with me love


Come wander with me

Away from this sad world

Come wander with me



He came from the sunset

He came from the sea

He came from my sorrow

And can love only me



Oh where is the wanderer

Who wandered this way

He's passed on his wandering

And will never go away



Come wander with me love

Come wander with me

Away from this sad world

Come wander with me



He sang of a sweet love

Of dreams that would be

But I was sworn to another

And could never be free
 
(Thanks Jen)

*I'm as shocked as you are!*

Har Har Har

I've never caught a picture of lightning before...for many reasons.  But the other morning...the heavens were kind.  No tripod and shaky hands...it still turned out pretty kool! 

*Things we carry, daily*

A few of my friends and I do a photo challenge each month.  This month was "Things you carry, daily."
We carry alot of things on a daily basis as far as emotion. Some of it weighs us down...some of it makes us stronger. It depends on what we do with it.

*Kim's Photo*

2010

*Who am I?*

                            *I am half agony, half hope*

No quote ever fit me more.

~ Jane Austin

"Dearest sister..."

I just got an return email from my brother, Randy.  An email in which he starts out with the words, "Dearest sister" and preceeds to reply to a video I sent out and the impact it had on him.  Before I go on, let me tell you who he is. He is not my brother by blood...but my brother nonetheless.  He became a close and instant friend at age 16...when I met him on a trip to visit a friend in California.  My family fell in love with him and he became our brother emotionally.  He has always been someone who has made me feel like a queen.  He has shown such deep love and respect for me as his sister and has helped me become the person I am today.  I have always called him a modern day Moroni.  He fights righteously for freedom and a peaceful world.  Randy is a rare soul...his insight makes one wonder, "Who is this man?" and his writings and language are magnificent. He honors women and has always honored me.  He is open about his weaknesses and his desire to do better, to work harder to bring his life closer and closer to the Saviors. Without him knowing, he has helped me to hold out faithful in waiting for a man with such calibre, valor, and kindness as he has.  A man with a deep respect for who I am...a daughter of God.   Having a friend like him for 20 years is a gift...he is a gift. 

So back to the words, "Dearest sister"...those words brought much emotion to me today.  Those two words had great power on my heart.  All the things I have said above came to mind and I felt hope again that there are still good men in this world.  That just maybe there is someone out there for me who will treat me like he has.  It was also a reminder that I have been blessed much and am seen as someone "dear."

Thank you my brother, thank you so much!

*Let's have a little respect*

I love this photo. Rare is a person who doesn't have a flippant/snotty/prideful attitude on the different opinions of politics & religion. How SAD it becomes when  one holds resentment or actually rids a friend because of a different outlook or perspective. Those who choose to respect are the wisest among us.
I have had my own moments of feistiness over said subjects and said things I regretted...but I work hard to respect the many views by those I know and love...and those I don't know.  It can be a real challenge for highly opinionated people...but shows character when we love unconditionally.

*Forgiveness*

Could you answer the way this man does? Or can you barely get past a hurtful remark that your neighbor made?

*A little FAWN...A little STORY*

I just saw a fawn outside my mothers house.  It just stared at me and had something so gentle about it. It seemed to be so loving and you could feel it. It stayed for a moment and then slowly walked away. My mom was on the other side of the house and saw it too. I came in and decided to find out some symbolism on fawns. (I like other people's symbolism...or to find out where some of it really comes from.) I found this little Native American story and I loved it. A sweet but important lesson.

*FAWN*

"The Fawn represents gentleness, caring and kindness. Her gentleness is within The Great Spirit’s lodge and embodies His love for all. The Deer teaches people to find the gentleness of spirit that heals all wounds, to not try to change others, accept them as they are and that the only balance of power is compassion and love.

The Fawn heard The Great Spirit calling her. On the way to His lodge, she encountered a horrid demon who tried to keep all creatures from the lodge by making them think Spirit didn’t want to be bothered by them. This made him feel powerful.

When The Fawn met the demon, she was curious, not scared. The demon was ugly, breathed fire and made horrible sounds. The Fawn asked him to let her pass because she was on the way to see Spirit, her eyes filled with compassion. He was shocked by her fearlessness. Her love penetrated his hardened heart and his body shrank to the size of a walnut. Her gentleness and caring cleared the path for all of Spirit’s children to visit Him without the fear of demons blocking their way."

Ps. I did not take this photo but randomly found it and would love to give credit to whoever took it, if I knew who they were.  The fawn didn't look like this...it was actually older and taller...but had the same meekness.

*Have you ever seen anything so beautiful...*

Okay...I will get back to the first journal entry I found and meant to write about later.  It's going to take too long for now.  But tonight I grabbed a journal from 1999.  I didn't look for today's date but just opened it to see where it would take me...and this is what I read,

Febuary 7, 1999

"I'm at the Marriott Center right now sitting about the 5th row up in portal Q. And across the way, probably in portal F is my little sister, Jen. I can see her from here! There are probably around 20,000 people here for the fireside to see and hear Elder Thomas S. Monson of the Quorom Of The First Presidency Speak to us. How strange that I can see my sister! She shines! I like to watch her smile and talk with her friends. She's sitting in the deaf section because her friend Brian is friends with a lot of the deaf young adults."

As I read this...of course I got choked up. I had forgotten about this (do you see how amazing keeping a journal can be?) and it tugged at my heart.  I had looked across a huge stadium and saw MY sister amongst thousands of people.  What are the odds?  There were none...it was by the Lords hand.  He showed me my sister...and truly her light shined.  The quote I have loved so much all my life applied much to me that night and still does.

"Have you ever seen anything so beautiful, as when a face lights up in a crowd just for you!"  She had no idea her spirits light was lit just for me that night...that I could see her and be so proud that she was MY sister.  There was nothing more beautiful.  What a great memory. :)

Side Note:  Here are a couple notes I took from the fireside.

"We cannot ask God to guide our footsteps unless we are willing to move our feet."

"You can win your race.  The Eternal "Score Keeper" is understanding...you and I don't run alone."

"We tend to become like those we admire."

"The door of history turns on small hinges."

"Do not take counsel from your fears...whom God calls...God qualifies."

"Compassion is not weakness and violence is not strength."

*KEEP A JOURNAL...BLOGGING IS SO OVERRATED!*

Just kidding. Journal...blog...just WRITE! I promise you will never ever regret it.

*DEAR NATE #?*

Dear Nate,

It's been awhile since I've written...I don't have a good excuse.  I could say that I'm super busy or that my computer isn't working...but I guess you'd know I was lying. ;)  I don't know how it's been four months since you left...feels like yesterday and it feels like years ago.  Strange how that is.  When I went to Moab last month I felt really healed...there is something about that place that seems to quiet all the screaming and pain in my mind.  Sometimes its just the quietness of Arches itself.  Being in the middle of nomans land with the sky full of stars so bright and shadows of red rocks...one of the closest places to heaven in my opinion.  I came home feeling a little more comforted and for a few weeks you slipped quietly away as I dealt with other things.  But as you know, grief loves a sucker punch!  I've had so many this last week that I literally have been bent over both pleading and shaking my hand at God.  Some say you can't do that...I beg to differ.  God is my best friend.  I love the classic line in "Some kind of wonderful"...it goes something like this,

Keith: They always say you hurt the ones you love.
Watts: Then why aren't you beating the sh*t out of Amanda Jones?

ha!  So true.  So sooo true.  Sometimes I love God to the fullest that is in me.  And I will have a true understanding of the great worth and purpose of suffering.  I also feel his love for me to a great capacity in allowing me to go through such deep trials.  But then...sometimes...I just feel like he hates me. :(  Stupid I know...but it's just the way my mind works and obviously (to me) because of all that has happened in my life.  Pain conjurs up feelings that take huge stabs at your faith and your heart.  It also attempts to take away the pure understanding that God is love and his love is the one constant in the universe. Sometimes he just feels like the enemy and not the Savior.  Some say that one day all things will make sense...I don't think I buy that.  I think someday we will just accept that a lot of things just happened and we could have learned from it or not.  I'm sick of learning heavens lessons...I need a break. (Please?!! :) Nate, I bet you love that your knowledge has increased ten thousand fold...er more. ;)  Lucky!

So yeah, this is short...not much to say.  When I'm hurting the most, I turn into a mute. I miss you and love you.  I hope your getting the royal healing treatment....I have no doubt you are, my dear friend. *wink*

Love, Kimmy

Ps. on our way to Moab I was in the back seat and my friends were playing music.  This song came on and within minutes the tears rolled down my cheeks.  I stared out the window and then looked up to see my friend look in the mirror back at me and give me that knowing and understaning smile.  When the song was done, she said, "I had no idea how much that fit you and Nate's relationship."  I smiled and nodded my head.  I can't explain why to anyone...it just does fit.  I think out of all the songs I've heard...this one is kind of our song.  It just say's what words can't ever say.  Even the obnoxious part in the middle....it has it's purpose and place.