*A GLASS DOOR OR A GLASS SLIPPER*

This last week I saw an old love through a glass door. I saw him talking to some people, a bright smile on his face and so full of light. Feelings and memories flooded over me when I saw him.

When I met him I felt I had found the love of my life. My twin, my soul mate. The boy with the "glass slipper" Those words finally made sense to me and I believed that because of the life I had chosen to live, this gentle hearted man had finally found me. All the things I had been promised by my Heavenly Father were about to be fulfilled. But in a blink of an eye it was nothing but "The sweet dream of a pure minded girl." He walked away and I was left with a sorrow that I thought I would never recover from.

The years have passed by and thoughts of him always remained strong. I always knew his heart, and I felt his struggles throughout the years. A downhill decent where he had forgotten who he was. I found out through a friend these things were true. I began a journey of praying, fasting, putting his name in the temple, and many many sacrifices in his behalf. I wondered along the way if these things would ever amount to anything. I wondered if I would ever see him again. And then, all these years later, there he was. At that moment the Lord opened my eye's. I felt a sense of gratitude to the Lord because I KNEW that my sacrifices had made a difference. That all the oceans of tears for that friend had worked. I also felt proud of him. He had overcome overwhelming trials and come out victorious. He had a sense of peace that radiated and his shiney eye's could be seen even through the glass door.

I never knew in the beginning that the glass door would be far more valuable and sacred in the end, than the glass slipper. The glass slipper would have been beautiful, but in heaven I must have sacrificed that beautiful crystal for this special moment, for this special soul. In my prayers that night, I knelt down and with all the courage I could muster...I said "It is enough." And it is.


"The worth of a soul is great in the sight of God"

*VALENTINES DAY SUCKS*

Valentines....it's approaching too quickly. I had to go to the store the other day and the whole dang place was filled with all this fruffy pink crap! Hearts & Cupids were everywhere. I came to get grocherys! Not walk down Loverz LANES! Then the speaker comes on...with the lady who has to make the cheezy announcements of the specials of the day. (Why is her voice always super high? Is that required while applying for the job?) "Customers, todays special is our freshly baked Valentines cookies! A dozen, deliciously baked, for $1.99" Wow. The only people whizzing over to that counter to buy those are those who are stacking up on V-Day/Single awareness Day junkfood so they can sit at home and gain ten pounds while munching on stale cookies while watching Pride & Prejudice.

I have never liked Valentines Day. Okay...maybe there have been a few years that I liked it. Last year counts as one. Which sadly makes this year even worse! I don't even want to think about it. I know a nice friend/sibling will probably leave a little treat or flower on my door. Sadly, I know I'll pick up the flower and think "That was so nice!" and then I'll burn it to the ground. I admit that I'm bitter, I'm hurt, and possibly hostile. If you spell the word LOVE backwards...it says EVOL. Does that word sound familiar? It does to me. It sounds like the word EVIL. And that's what Valentines is.

Amen.

(Oh...the picture is my little monkey friend describing my feelings 'with a heart' about
Valentines.)

Mood: Totally Optimistic

Music: Love songs by Chicago (Bahhahah jk)

*DARKNESS VISIBLE* By William Styron

If ever there was a book that I was meant to read, it is this one. In less than a hundred pages, I found one man on the earth who truly understood me. I have no memory of purchasing this book, but as I searched through my own little library, I found it. I wept through the entire book. I think the whole book is underlined and starred. I kept saying "That's me! That's how I feel!" This man said everything about Depression that I have been unable to say. His ability to express the inexpressible is obviously heaven sent. I felt for a small moment not so alone in the world. I wish I could send it to every person I've ever known. Those who have supported me and TRIED to understand and those who haven't given a damn and encouraged me to "snap out of it." I have had this disease since High School, actually I believe longer. But I have NEVER been able to tell anyone what was truly happening inside me. The title of the book says it all..."Darkness VISIBLE" People can SEE what I see and feel on a daily basis. They get to step in my shoes and see out of my eyes.

I have encouraged all of my family members to purchase the book (none of them have...except my best friend Christine...thanx stine!) But honestly what matters is that I felt validated when I read this in every aspect of this horrible illness. I don't know this man, but I love him. I'm grateful for what he endured. Not because I would wish this on ANYONE...but because it allowed him to understand and express what this prison is like. I am so grateful to have found this book!

*KIM'Z FOOD STORAGE + 72 HOUR KIT???*

So after a small stint in the hospital this week (nothing serious...just some twisted intestines ;) my mom came over to check on me today. She brought in a box of "food" and said, "You probably won't eat any of this but here ya go!" I looked at the box of STUFF and said, "mom...I won't eat ANY of this"....she then said "Ah, just throw it in your food storage!" and then she left. I stared at the box and the more I looked at it the more I laughed. Infact I got the giggles so bad that I thought it was worthy of posting a photo of its contents. You have to know my mom to know that this is exactly what you would find at her house. Mostly stuff that the grand kids snack on and what she and her husband eat beside salads! I will now share with you the box contents;

1- Top Raman Noodles. Where would we be in the world without 'em!? I think the last time I ate Top Raman was the year after High School when I lived at Branbury in Provo. Knowing that the nutritional value of these little baby'z is ZERO and that the msg in them gives me headaches. I also noticed not long ago that at the grocery store they were being sold for 14 cents a bag! That's seriously disturbing.

2- Several boxes of Macaroni & Cheese. These rate about one step up for Raman noodles. Simply because they do not have msg in them. My nieces & nephews love 'em. So if worse comes to worse at least the kids will be fed!

3- Ruffles chips. The only thing those are good for is to use in one of my sisters famous dips. Which she probably won't be making during a time like that.

4-One Kudos chocolate bar. I guess if you need a sugar fix while sitting in a tent or some form of shelter during a fire/flood or whatever, then there ya go!

5- Fruit snacks. I admit I like these and actually ate them on the spot...but they have red food coloring in them which ALSO gives me headaches. But I popped them in my mouth and figured I'd rather get a headache now then during an emergency.

6- A half package of gum? I have no response to that.

And there ya have it! Kim'z food storage!

Ironically, about an hour later I was reading a blog of one of my friends. She had been talking about food storage and her 72 hour kit!? (Is this some kind of warning to me?) She showed some very professional photographs of her neatly put together kit. I swear, she had EVERYTHING for any kind of crisis. I actually think she had a lifetime supply of all things needed. I felt a tinge of embarrassment at not really having a 72 hour kit except a first aid kit. I quickly went through my drawers and found exactly what 'I' would need. So listen up...because you may need these things too.

KIM'Z 72 HOUR KIT 101

1- Tropical Fresh INSECT REPELLENT! I don't want to be eaten alive "out there" wherever that may be.

2 - Proactive repairing lotion. If I forget water or soap...my skin is in deep trouble. I refuse to look like 12 year old just hitting puberty.

3- Crazy glue. Now this has multi purposes. Our family has a lot of caps on our teeth. Good teeth don't run in the family. So once in a while a cap will fall off and this stuff works like a charm. Also...cuts. No need for band aids when you have crazy glue. Infact just two weeks ago I got a paper cut and a drop of the glue fixed it in jiffy.

4- Dove soap (self explanatory)

5- Pepto (self explanatory)

6- A night guard. I sometimes clench my teeth at night. I found this at the store. It doesn't fit in my mouth. But if worse comes to worse and I find myself clenching during the 72 hours, I'll shove it in!

7- Self tanner. I'm an albino....I carry these whenever I travel. Keeps me from looking like the walking dead.

8- Kitty Anti-Itch spray. Of course wherever I go...the kittyz go too! This is like their very own personal bug repellent.

9- Lash tint, bobby pins, nail polish, hair color. Obviously self explanatory!!!

10- Airborne! (Created by a second grade teacher!) I swear by this stuff! I'm convinced by using it I won't get a cold in 72 hours or more.

11- Rolaids + Dramamine! First off, If I get stuck in the car with Pammy’z kids who have SERIOUS gas problems (Can you say Dry heave?) I will freak out! Also...I get easily car sick. The whole Equilibrium dealio. I don't puke, I just feel trippy.

12- Tampon. I sure hope 'Aunt Flow' doesn't come to town during that time because ONE isn't gone cut it.

13- Fruit & Veggie Tabs. Who needs food when you have these? Just pop one in and your done for the day.

14- Floss. My brother in law who is a dentist would kill me if I didn't include this in my kit. I may not have a toothbrush or toothpaste, but the floss is way important. As one wise dentist put it... "You don't have to floss all your teeth, just the ones you want to keep" I apparently didn't floss as a child, hence, the caps on my teeth.

15- My small silver mirror given to me by a friend. I can use this to see if there is any Top Raman in my teeth or put on lipstick which I don't wear. I guess I could just sit and make my famous "mirror face" and if someone was depressed about our situation they could have a laugh or mock me.

16- THE PILL. So....my doctor gave me these to help me with depression/hormone problems. (They ended up making me sick and not helping a bit!) And heaven forbid I use them for 'NORMAL' purposes. Having a bad case of 'Virginitis' there really is no point in tossing them in my bag of goodies. I figure maybe they could serve some kind of purpose to someone!?...ya just never know!

17- A candle. I think my lighter fluid is almost gone...but it should last a day or two.

18- THE MOST IMPORTANT...A lifetime supply of tissue. We CAN'T run out of that! BEEN THERE DONE THAT! *wink*

There's a few other odds & ends but the ones I mentioned are probably the most important. Feel free to copy THIS list and get your 72 hour kit ready!

That is all I have to say.

(In all reality...I think with my lack of preparedness, I'm in deep sh*t :)

*THE LOSS OF PRESIDENT HINCKLEY*

I am heartbroken at the loss of our beloved prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley. There will never be another man like him. Unshakable in his faith and testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I always felt so safe under his presidency, knowing that he was the Lords mouth piece and nothing could get in his way. At the same time I feel a sense of joy knowing that he is now joined with his sweetheart, Marjorie Hinckley. And oh what a homecoming he must be having. Resting in the arms of his Savior and Father in heaven and surrounded by a multitude of his loved ones and the millions of lives he has touched.

We will miss you President Hinckley. I will miss you.

http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=481&sid=2560344

*RUNNING OUT OF TOILET PAPER*

This isn't the kind of thing you write a blog about unless your me. It's been too funny of an experience to not share with cyberspace.

So I run out of T.P. last night. And I joke around with my sister on the phone about it as we were having a chat. She says, "You don't have ANY?" I say..."NOPE" I start joking about my options and told her I have a couple paper towells so that works until I can get to the store the next day. I wake up...the paper towells are gone and I don't feel good. GREAT! I have NOTHING left. Okay...no big deal, I'll just jump in my car despite the fact that I feel like 'crap' (no pun intended heh heh) and go grab some. Yeah right! There is a blizzard outside my house! We are being covered with snow and there is no way in hell that my car is going to make it through the Eleventy Billion inches of snow we just got and the plain fact that I can't even see my neighbors house. Okay...Okay...think Kim...think Kim! I snap my fingers! I got it! My little sister left baby wipes last time she was here! That works... I can work with that! Right? Hmm....after the first flush of one of those dealios I knew that if I tried that again I would have a plugged toilet. Sick! I was not going to deal with that. So here I am with my nose running and knowing that I will need to use the porcelain bowl at some point soon. I get desperate and start searching the house for anything. I see the tissue WRAPPING PAPER I have and wonder if I can pull it off. Sigh.

But then, it happens. The door bell rings! That ring can only be one person, MY SISTER! I know her ring! She knows I never answer the door so she rings a certain way....almost like a code. I go to the door and like the fun of getting a doorbell ditcher who just left a present for someone, Lo and Behold...there was a glowing white present for me! BAGS of tissue had been left on my door! The hero had struck again! Her in her white mother four wheel drive had burned rubber through the snow like it was nothin'....and then she was off! BLAZING through the blizzard. God bless her! Seriously...God bless her. :)

Side note: I don't really like the brand she brought me. When I was little I saw a little moth on the ground outside my house. I picked it up and the dust from it's wings came off on my finger. My friend told me that now the moth was going to die because I had touched it's wings. Anyhoo....when I touch the tissue it leaves dust on my fingers and now I'm going to have nightmares that I killed that moth that summer day. :( (Thanks alot Stacey!) But beggars can't be choosers and I'm not complaining! I wrote my sister a little text that said "Thank you so much!"...she texted me back and said "Your welcome pee pee" ahhahahha LOL. My sisters a STAR! No....she's a ROCKSTAR!

*VIVA COSTA RICA!*

This Christmas I went to Costa Rica with my best friend, Christine and two of her friends from New York. (who are now my friends! Yay for Deborah and Mihaela!) It was a gift from my family to get me out of this crap weather and in a warmer climate. The sun helps my depression a tad bit more. :) We had a great time. Here's a quick run down of my trip...

Day 1~ Boat Tour
This was a tour to a beautiful little Island where you eat traditional food and kick it on this really pretty beach. It was overcast and all of us were dead tired from all the traveling we did to get to Costa Rica and to get to this little beach. (3 &1/2 hours! Two on a bus and one and a half on the boat) Not to mention our long flights to South America. So basically we all fell asleep on our beach chairs for most of the time. But it was beautiful when we were awake! hahah

Day 2~ Ziplineing through the jungle!
We went on a canopy tour that takes you up in the jungle and you basically do ELEVEN zip lines one after another. Some were long, some were short, some were fast, some were slow. I was most fond of the one where you can go upside down if you choose. I CHOSE! I will add an attractive picture of me Indian style/upside down. It was awesome! We laughed our heads off. Despite wearing helmets & gloves that have NEVER been washed and smelled like something decaying (barf) it was the funnest thing we did while in Costa Rica.

Day 3~ Spa Day
In the morning we mostly rested from the previous day! Holy smokes! I think I pulled every muscle in my rib cage...but it was so worth it. :) Steen and I decided we wanted to be pampered and so we both went to the spa and got a massage. We both have funny stories to tell about that, but mine mostly felt like a little kid rubbing my back! In my mind I was like, "Lady! Kick it up a notch!" She kept talking to me in Spanish and the blank look on my face didn't stop her! Heaven know's what she was saying, probably "You stupid American! Your president is an idiot!" hahhaha

Christine's boss was getting married in Costa Rica (which is why she planned the trip there) and this day was also the day of the wedding. So after our day at the spa, she and Deborah went off to the wedding. Mihaela did some shopping, resting, we hung out for awhile and chatted, then she talked on the phone to her boyfriend for the rest of the night. :) (She is so awesome and funny!) I on the other hand, hung out, ate lot's of fruit (the fruit there was to die for!) and then I went to sleep and dreamt of pineapple and mango's. :D

Day 4~ Beach day & Barbeque.
As part of the wedding celebrations they kept 'em going. They had a barbeque at the beach where everyone lounged in the pools/beach and ate lot's of yummy food. It was fun. I had my chance to walk up and down the beach, with my ear phones on, pondering the Universe. This is a ritual everytime I visit the beach and is always inspiring and healing for me. By the end of the day, Stine and I just kicked it at our sweet pad (It was a mini condo) and watched random movies on t.v. It was a nice end to the day. (The humidy sucks the life out of you!)

(BTW, the other girls did a full day Volcano tour. They had to wake up at 7 drive on a bus for four hours, hang out at the Volcano for the day, drive another four hours, and then get home at midnight. Uh...yeah. Stine and I skipped that one. :)

Day 5~ New Years Eve.
During the day we just walked around the city, Jaco, where we were staying. Did lot's of random things and rested up for our eventful night. *rolling my eye's* We heard of a band from Seattle playing at a local hotel and we decided we would head there to see if it was any good. Yeah, it wasn't anything to write in the journal about but we made it fun. The band sucked and everyone was standing around with a beer in hand waiting for the countdown. Finally they had a DeeJay play some house music and while everyone was picking their noses we danced!
And it was hilarious! We came up with every dance move we could think of and laughed ourselves sick. The irony was that we were the ones NOT drinking and the only ones dancing!
We did the whole countdown dealio and it was a great night.

Day 6~ New years day and our last day (so I thought!)
We headed to the Watergardens/Butterfly gardens. It was high up in the mountains and felt like a rainforest. Smog everywhere floating through the tree's. It was beautiful until we stepped outside and it was pouring rain! We basically went into the butterfly garden and were surround by beautiful butterflies everywhere. This was really special to me since butterflies have had alot of sacred meaning to me in my life. I got some amazing photos! We also ate lunch there, saw some monkeys & birds and then headed to the airport.

We had alot of luck on our side this whole trip and were very blessed, but for me...something ALWAYS goes wrong. I have a curse on my head and EVERYONE knows it. My plane was cancelled! The other girls planes were set to leave about 20 minutes apart. Each of us were on a seperate plane. There was a line a mile long of people trying to figure out what they were going to do since the plane was cancelled. The rumor was that they had no planes going out until the 4th. So yeah, I would be there alone for the next couple days. I was on the verge of tears, tired, and ready to be home. My best friend, who is the greatest friend I've ever had, ditched her plane and stayed with me to figure out how to get me home. The story goes on and on, but basically Stine found tickets online for the next day for both of us and we spent the night in some lamedog hotel provided by the airline that dumped us. We both made it home safe, sound, and extremely tired.

Maybe that wasn't a quick run down, but there ya have it! ;) Great friends, great trip, great memories. PURA VIDA!!!!

*I SHALL RETURN FOR YOU, MY LOVE, ON CHRISTMAS DAY*

These are song lyrics that only my sisters and I will know the true meaning. It's a secret. :) Also this photo has very special meaning to me. Here is a link if you want to hear the song, http://youtube.com/watch?v=CMFzQhR9dJw


A young gentleman came riding past
On a snow blue winters day
He asked to drink, by our fire,
And I was pleased to let him stay
He drank there quietly for a while,
Then he turned and said to me
Your eyes are green, like summer grass,
Your lips are red like a fresh cut rose,
Your hair is soft like an Irish stream
And your voice is filled with sweet beauty
And the last words I heard him say
Were I shall return, for you, my love, on Christmas day
The night will come but I wont sleep,
As I watch the stars that lead him,
I cannot place where he is,
But still my heart goes with him,
I’m savin all my Sunday clothes
For the day that I'll be leavin'
Father in heaven knows, my sister knows,
And my friends, they’re happy for me
And the priest he says, you should thank God,
For the blessing of such beauty,
And the last words I heard him say
Were I shall return for you, my love, on Christmas day
I shall return for you, my love, on Christmas day.
I SWEAR, I will return on Christmas day.

*THE GOOSE IS GETTING FAT*

Cray-Pay and the other kitty'z are getting fat! I looked at them the other day and all of them are totally chunky. Their food has been rationed out now, and no more plumb pudding for them. I mean come on! Look at Cray'z double chin! haha I love these little rascal'z and all their fatness. :)

*SUMIREGUSA* PART 2

I have always loved ENYA and it is rare to see a live performance from her other than her videos. I found this tonight and was happy to see her live AND also singing one of my favorite songs, "SUMIREGUSA."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWvQYPfZ7gA

*SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE*

I haven't slept in several nights. It's been horrific and I've been in terrible pain. I leave my t.v. on with the music channels playing. I would try and rest and then get up for a few minutes. Everytime the lyrics from the song, "Silent night" would be playing...."Sleep in Heavenly Peace." It was painful to hear, because that's what I long for. It was almost as if the words were mocking me because I have tried every attempt to sleep.

I found this picture tonight called 'Gethsemane' by Carl Bloch. For some reason it reminded me of the situation I'm in and how I long for my rest.

*ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHERS*

I heard rustling in my Christmas tree yesterday and found Lily just kickin' it in there.

"If that Cat had nine lives...he just spent 'em all!!"

~Christmas Vacation

(Let's hope it doesn't come to that!)

*THE THREE WISE MEN...ER...WOMEN*

So my mom & my sisters decided to surprise me tonight by bringing me a Christmas tree and setting it up so it looked just my style. Glitter, Vintange, my photos, etc. They did it because they love me and they wanted to add some light to my house & heart. They did an amazing job and it's beautiful. Tonight they were the "Three Wise Women." Coming to a dark stable of sorts offering gifts to bless someone. That someone was me. How grateful am I? VERY.

(Even little Henley & Kaul came offering the gift of themselves. :)

"The highest form of wisdom is kindness"

KNOWLEDGE IS NOT WISDOM

I wrote a blog about this once and I can't find it anywhere. But it was something I wanted written down because I think about it often.

I have met some of the greatest men that ever walked the earth, their speech was/is the craft & gift of a Heavenly God. Their very words powerful and poetic. They changed me by how they presented them. It was an art! They painted pictures with their words and I felt moved and touched at how they expressed themselves. They were men (and women) of sound understanding who probably didn't even recognize the beautiful manner in which they taught or spoke. They were FULL of wisdom.

On the other hand, I have known many who are puffed up in their knowledge and they THINK they are wise. They believe that the tossing of their flashy/flowery words will make them look impressive. They enjoy the puzzled look on the faces of those who are thinking or saying "What does that word mean?" They flaunt their vocabulary and are basically "full of themselves." The funny thing is, that they think in their own minds that everyone is looking up to them and thinking how impressive they are.

I don't know about anyone else, but I can't stand those kind of people. I mean, who wants to carry around a Dictionary when they are with someone? Or secretly be wishing they had the "Urim & Thummim" while in their presence because they don't understand what the crap the person is saying!?

I find it interesting that those who speak with wisdom, you want to hear every word that comes from their mouth. But the "I am so knowledgeable" types are, in my opinion, boring as hell. Their haughty ways & self righteous mumblings are enough to make me want to puke.

I love to write... and many people quickly find out that my grammar sucks rocks, I fumble over words, and my spelling is rubbish. BUT I speak from the heart... that is KEY. I don't give a rats ass if I sound "eloquent." You can still express yourself with the beauty of vocabulary without sounding like your a walking Thesaurus.

It annoys me! Can you tell? :)

P.S. Don't correct my mistakes on this blog or I will thrash you. Mkay? And also I realize that "Rats ass" isn't very eloquent...but sometimes I just have to say it like it is. ;)

*MRS. BROWN*

"Grieving widow Queen Victoria (played imperiously by Judi Dench) withdraws into sadness for years, until plainspoken manservant John Brown (Billy Connolly) disrupts her mourning. Their friendship grows, resulting in personal and political ramifications for both. Funny, exquisitely shot and featuring sparkling performances, Mrs. Brown brilliantly portrays the woman behind an empire and the man who helped her live again."

http://youtube.com/watch?v=GELcstDOj_0

This is my new favorite movie. There is an unspeakable message about how friendship, love, and unmovable devotion can help someone live again. Everyone needs a "Mr. John Brown" in their lives.

This movie might not be everyone's cup of tea...but the message I got from it will never leave me.

*RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME*

*I LOOK OUT FOR THE UNDERDOG AND TRY AND BE A FRIEND TO THE FRIENDLESS.

*I CONSIDER MYSELF A VERY NON-JUDGEMENTAL PERSON AND MY VIEWS HAVE CHANGED QUITE DRASTICALLY OVER THE YEARS. I USE TO BE A VERY “LETTER OF THE LAW” KIND OF GIRL. BUT NOW I’M VERY “SPIRIT OF THE LAW.” I HAVE A BROADER PERSPECTIVE OF LIFE. AT THE SAME TIME I WILL ALWAYS DEFEND THINGS I DEEPLY BELIEVE.

*I’M FEISTY AND AM NOT AFRAID TO SPEAK UP WHEN NEEDED. BUT I’M ALSO AWARE OF THE IMPORTANCE TO SOMETIMES BE SILENT.

*I MISS GENUINE LOVE LETTERS, HAND WRITTEN. IT'S A LOST ART.

*I LIKE TO TAKE PICTURES OF LIFE. EVEN IF THE PICTURES ARE JUST TAKEN IN MY HEAD.

*I NOTICE MANY THINGS THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE DON’T NOTICE.

*I FIND JOY IN THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE. THE SONG OF A BIRD, THE BEAUTY OF A FLOWER, THE GREATNESS OF A FRIENDSHIP, OR THE GRASP OF A CHILDS HAND.

*I LIKE CUPCAKES.

*I LIKE WHEN PEOPLE SAY PLEASE & THANK YOU.

*I AM THOUGHTFUL, IT IS MY GREATEST QUALITY.

*I THINK 95% OF ALL COPS/FUZZ ARE CORUPT. THEY ARE JERKS.

*THE EASIEST WAY FOR ME TO GET IN A BAD MOOD IS FOR ME TO STAND IN LINE AT THE POST OFFICE. I MEAN WHAT ARE THEY THINKING? IT TAKES AN HOUR TO MAIL SOMETHING!? HIRE MORE STAFF FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! GRRR.

*I LOVE BEING AN AUNT. I’M JUST GOOD AT IT. MY NIECES & NEPHEWS ARE A BRIGHT LIGHT TO ME. I HOPE THEY ALWAYS SEE ME AS SOMEONE WHO THEY CAN TURN TO AND TRUST. A “KOOL” AUNT AND NOT A NERDY ONE.

*I HAVE NO DESIRE TO HAVE KIDS. IT’S THE TRUTH. IT’S JUST NOT MY THING. I LOVE CHILDREN, BUT I’M A CAT WOMAN. PLUS, PREGNANY GROSSES ME OUT. THE THOUGHT OF SOMETHING GROWING INSIDE OF ME IS JUST SICK. IT’S LIKE AN ALIEN! I DON’T LOOK AT PREGNANCY AS A “BEAUTIFUL THING”. GOD SHOULD HAVE COME UP WITH A BETTER WAY. MAYBE HE HAS A BETTER PLAN ON THE OTHER SIDE. IF SO…I’LL THINK ABOUT IT THEN...OR HE + MY HUSBAND IS GONNA HAVE TO DO SOME SERIOUS CONVINCING!

*U2 IS THE GREATEST BAND OF ALL TIME. THEY ARE ALMOST A RELIGION TO ME. I HAVE NEVER FELT SOMETHING AS POWERFUL AND INSPIRING AS THEIR CONCERTS. ONE OF MY GREATEST SORROWS IS THAT I NEVER GOT TO SEE THE “JOSHUA TREE TOUR.”

*I WISH THERE WAS A REAL HOGWARTS AND THAT I LIVED THERE! HARRY POTTER BOOKS ARE ONE OF THE GREATEST THINGS THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. I LOVE BOOKS!

*I LIKE SHOPPING ONLINE AND HATE THE MALL.

*CLOTHES, BAGS, SHOEZ, I’M ALL GIRL!

*I LEARNED TO RID MYSELF OF TOXIC PEOPLE. I USE TO BE THE KIND OF PERSON WHO ALWAYS FELT IT WAS NECESSARY TO GIVE, GIVE, GIVE! AND JUST LOVE PEOPLE DESPITE HOW THEY MADE ME FEEL. I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT MANY PEOPLE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF KINDNESS, HAVE ALTERIOR MOTIVES, AND EASILY MANIPULATE. (There is such a thing as "Righteous indignation" and I use it when it's needed.)

*SOUTHERN UTAH IS AMAZING….I MISS LAKE POWELL.

*I THINK MAKING MISTAKES IN THIS LIFE IS IMPORTANT. I THINK I’LL MAKE MORE. ;)

*I’M FAR TOO EMPATHETIC, IT’S BECOME OUT OF CONTROL.

*I WISH I HAD A MILLION DOLLARS FALL IN MY LAP RIGHT NOW. NO…WAIT. TEN MILLION OR BILLION.

*I HAVE GREAT FRIENDS.

*FOOD IS A PAIN IN THE ASS. I SADLY EAT TO LIVE AND NOT LIVE TO EAT.

*I WAS IN SPECIAL ED. "KIM, YOUR A VERY SPECIAL GIRL...SO SPECIAL THAT WE ARE PUTTING YOU IN SPECIAL ED."

*A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK I’M A LOST CAUSE. SOME PEOPLE THINK I’M WORTH MY WEIGHT IN GOLD. AS FOR ME? I’M VERY PROUD OF MY LIFE AND HOW I’VE LIVED & HANDLED THINGS…BUT MOSTLY I THINK I’M JUST PLAIN ‘OLE KIM…ONE IN A BILLION!

*BEN'S COOKIES"

Sometimes you see, smell, or taste something that reminds you of someone. Sometimes it's painful to remember, sometimes it makes you smile, sometimes it's both. Today my memory of someone special came from cookies. :) It was bittersweet.

*WHAT WILL IT TAKE?*

This is one of my last ditch efforts at this point in my life to wake people up to the reality of the world of depression. I feel that in my meager attempts at sharing my thoughts, my knowledge, and my personal experiences...I have failed miserably to bring people out of their ignorant slumbers. I have never once desired any sympathy! Only a feeling that what I have tried to do has made a difference.

With the terrible illness of Cancer...there are pink ribbons and people marching around to help people become more aware and help fight that disease. But with depression? No one cares. There are no ribbons, marches, or benefits to find a cure for this disease. No one really believes it is one. And the people who suffer are left to rott in a pitt of darkness. My frustration knows no bounds. I am left to say WHAT WILL IT TAKE TO WAKE PEOPLE UP?.........My answer? I have no idea. In the last words of a poem that my great hero, David Hyrum Smith wrote;

"I would not sing, and yet I cannot cease. I cannot murmur...
I have no peace."

There is nothing left for me to say either, I'm out of words. May God grant someone in this world to get through to people and save many, many lives.

(The pictures I have attached are a clear view of my daily life. I am not "All smiles Kim" I am someone who suffers from Clinical and Chronic Depression. This is my illness.....right before your eyes.)

Here is the whole poem by David Hyrum Smith. I have posted it on my blog before, but I feel that it beautifully and painfully depicts Depression.

"'The Psalm of DISCONTENT'

Let me be happy....Let me be happy too.
Oh! Wrestless soul.
Fold thy quick limbs and rest from care awhile;
Watch the great clouds in fleecy volumes roll;
The lakelet and the Sunshine seems to Smile; _

Would to God my friends were here to share my thought,
Would I could find the rest I have long sought.

Would I could speak the language of the hills....
Would their plush velvet grace I could make known.

Could I translate the talking of the reels that come from
Their crowning dimples…wander down.

I would not sing, and yet I cannot cease. I cannot murmur..
I have no peace.


`DAVID HYRUM SMITH`

*GRATEFUL*

Okay...tonight I went to let my cat outside and there, to my surprise, was a dozen (HUGE) Red Roses! Along with a lovely book...but no card/signature. I am so blessed to have so many people who are mindful of me and so caring. I felt really touched and for a small moment it eased the burdens I'm carrying at this time.
But I would love to know who did this...so I can thank them. If not, please know that kindness & thoughfulness means everything to me. I am VERY grateful! What you did really meant something to me...and I love you for it!
Thank YOU!
xo

*OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES

As always my nephews are the starz in my life always making me laugh and ponder their curious, clever, and intuitive minds. The last couple weeks it's been Kaul & Bleu who have taken center stage. Jen is always emailing me funny photos and things that they say...and I am always laughing my head off. Here are a few recent conversations they have had;

A couple weeks ago Bleu said to Jen, "Those are some big rocket ship tummys!" And she was like "What?" and he repeated it. And then she realized he was talking about her "Ta Ta's" LOL ha! She was fully dressed and everything. :) hahhahaha (she will probably kill me for writing this in a blog!)

Then Jen was babysitting some other kids from her ward and the little kids were calling her Sister Packer. And Bleu was getting in their faces like a little bully (he's TWO) and saying "She's NOT Sista Packa!" ha! (you have to know his little voice for this to be super funny. He's really small for his age and some people assume he doesn't talk very well...but then he spurts things out and is hysterical! Later on that day I asked him what HIS name was and he said "Sista Packa". hahahha We were dieing laughing.

And on a more serious note...here are two special things that the boys said about me, their Aunt,

One day I was very very sick. I know that Jen knew about it. I still don't know if they overheard her saying something about it to maybe Joe or something. But she later told me that Bleu kept walking around the rest of the day saying, "Kimmy will be safe" over and over. I know these little ones are still cloesly linked with heaven.

Also the other day Kaul said to Jen, "Mom, Aunt Kim is sad alot, huh?" and Jen said..."Yes honey, she is." And he said..."I think it's because she doesn't see me enough. I make everyone happy!" And he does! I love these little guys, I'll never be able to say it enough.

(Here are some recent photos from their wards "Trunker Treat"...obviously dressed from the movie "Nacho Libre" :D And one Jen sent me of Bleu giving Kaul a dirty look while Kaul was holding Henley. :)

*CHAZ'S MISSION CALL*

My nephew, Chaz, (Pam's oldest) got his mission call to Johannesberg, South Africa. We are so excited for him! (Jen & Joe also severed in South Africa...so it is extra special to them and our family.)

He had told me a couple days before that he would love to go to Africa...I say it's close enough ;) He leave's the day after Christmas and he is actually going to the M.T.C. in South Africa.

*BEING A MOTHER TO CATS*

You know, recently I've been reading my friends blogs...all about their children & being mothers & fathers and all the sweet and funny things that their lives entail with being a parent. It's so fun to read and kind of twilight zone for me. I mean...I'm still in the same spot most of them left...uh...ten years ago? Yeah. So on occasions I feel a bit left out. Not because I want to be a mother (sorry I have to be honest!) heaven knows that wasn't the plan for me. But God gave me a taste of motherhood...and I am going to talk about my cats in the same language my friends talk about their kids. I think this will be a laugh. :)

I am the mother of three cats. Two planned and the other....well, not planned. Their names are Lewis, Lily, and Cray. My roomates and I went to a corn maze about 7 years ago and found a little kid standing there with a box of baby kitties. It had been raining and it looked like they hadn't been fed or taken out of the box in days. I found the one I wanted...but Val, my friend, found a different one. So we took them both. And long story short that's where Lewis & Lily came from. As for Cray, he was my moms cat during the time that I had ECT. My mom was staying with me while her home was being built and she was taking care of me during these procedures. But once her house was finished she abandoned Cray. So....now I have three, and am the official CAT WOMAN. I am unashamed. The mockery has known no bounds...but I take it with a grain of salt...as I am raising such special spirits. (bah hahhaha) no, really they are. :)

Lewis is the king of the house. He truly is "King Lewie"...he rules the other cats and is joined at my hip. He will NOT leave me. If I walk into the bathroom...so does he. If I take a nap....so does he. (He has to be in the covers with me) If I say something to him he immediatley meows back and has serious attitute! But I have always seen him as my little protector. (He has a weight problem right now...but we have that under control.)

Lily is the mute of the family. My siblings joke that she is a little bit "Off"...this is offensive to me and I know it is to Lily too. (Just because she is a cat doesn't mean she is DEAF) Although there was a time when she would go to lick her paw and instead be licking at the air. Those days have past and she has grown much. She is the best at opening drawers and my cuboards. (She will claw at my sock drawer and pull socks out until it's just the right size for her to climb in and sleep. She also hides in places I never would have thought of and I am always yelling "Lilllllllllllllllly" to try and find her. She's not very obedient and stays where she's at until I find her or she decides to come out. But she is loving and her meow is the cutest ever. It's barely audible but so stinking cute. Lewie and her are best palz and they cuddle all the time. Except for when he wants to go to sleep ALONE. Then his meow is so rude! and she leaves him alone.

Cray. Oh funny Cray. My mom always called him the Texas Ranger...and that he is. He is always running about the house like he's on a horse! He tackles Lily all the time and she hates it. She will hiss at him...but it doesn't stop him. He want's to play with her and she's does NOT want to play with him. He get's a bit rough with her and I often find black poofs of her hair randomly around. Bless her. ;) But I am working on this with him and trying to teach him to be kinder to his siblings. :) I'm pretty sure he's part dog. In the morning he flops on his back and wants his belly rubbed. He also has chinese eye's and so his nick name is "Cray Pey"...sounds kind of chinese...or japanese...right? :D

All in all they are wonderful children...I mean kitties. I adore them! So much...that I go through boxes of Kleenex every few days. (I am completely allergic to cats...no joke!) But they are a DELIGHT FROM THE HEAVENS ABOVE...and worth every tissue! How lucky I am to be their guardian.

haaaaaaaaaa!

*THE RING*

*THE RING*

Heaven knows that my older sister has always been a tough mother scratcher. My days of youth were often filled with her punching me in the arm because I had caught her kissing her boyfriends and was …well…a tattletale. It was her way of threatening me NOT to tell…and it usually worked. Instead I would cry out to my Hello Kitty journal that she was going to get pregnant (even though I had no idea how that worked ha!) and that she was a jerk!

But I never knew how tough my sister really was until one fine day. My sister was being harassed in Jr. High by another girl. The girl was obviously jealous of my sister, as was I. I mean, my sister had bleached the hell out of her hair and it was fluffed out in every direction like the girls on Xanadu! Her hair and her silvery lipstick was a sight to behold. She was an 80's dream! I envied her argyle sweaters, Jordache jeans, legwarmers, and pretty in pink dresses. Her middle name was KOOL and everyone knew it.

This particular girl who decided to bully my sister wore a daggered ring the size of TEXAS! And was often pushing it in my sister's face…threatening to cut her. The mirrors in the bathrooms were covered with cruel words towards my sister and there was often name calling as she walked down the halls. To add to this, our telephone was often receiving prank calls, once again threatening her with THE RING and all sorts of profanities. It was cruel and I'm sure it hurt my sister…it hurt all of us. Nobody wants to watch someone you love be bullied.

And finally, one day, it had gone too far. My parents had had enough of it all. They had watched my sister suffer long enough. And being the small town folks that they were…they decided to help my sister take hold of the situation in a proper manner. My dad was gonna teach my sister how to beat the CRAP out of this girl! I was sitting on the kitchen counter, wide eyed, watching my dad show my sister how to throw a punch! I still remember his words; "Next time she starts harassing you, you say to her..."look, I don't want to fight!" Turn as if your gonna walk away and then turn back around and POW!!!" My heart was racing as I heard this, was my sister really gonna do it? What happened if THE RING came out? What if my sister didn't have a face after that? I was worried and excited all at the same time.

The next day, sure enough, the girl came a bullying! She had her friends gathered around her and as she shot off her mouth about wanting to fight my sister, a small group had gathered. I'm surprised there wasn't a chant ringing out "Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!"
My sister knew what she had to do. Then came the rehearsed words, "Look, I don't wanna' fight!"….and then it happened. My sister hit that girl so hard that she flew to the ground. She lay there in shock and then began to cry like a little baby. Oh what a sight it must have been!!! I wish I would have been there Cheering my sister on! Video taping it so that someday I could put it on Youtube! This girl proved to be nothing but someone who could talk the talk...but not walk the walk!! And my sister? She was a star! I bet her blond hair didn't move a inch with all the hairspray in it! It stood it's ground...just like my sister.

It wasn't long before both girls were hauled off to the principal's office and suspended for a couple days. I remember my parents being quite pleased with the outcome, as was I.

The moral of this story is, don't mess with my sister…EVER. She has no desire to fight anyone for any reason. She's a lover not a fighter. But if it comes down to it…she will kick your A$$!

(The picture at the top shows an example of Pam's hair. But it was mild that day! I call the picture "Trailer trash". God bless us.)

*CLOUDZ*

I put together a new video today of most of the cloud photoz I've taken over the last few years. I was surprised at how many there were. They are not the most remarkable photos but they represent something to me that is deep and eternal.

When you struggle with an illness for so long, it is easy to become a person who walks with their head down. When I looked at all these photoz I had of cloudz, I realized how often I have looked up. Heavenly Father, in all his kindness, was pointing out the beauty of his creations to me that I might be sustained for even a small moment. I felt a great sense of gratitude for this today. I also know in my own heart, that I will never see myself as someone who walked through this life with my head down. I lifted up my eyes…and I beheld beautiful things.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=FzgTjeqh3UY